Ka'Torag-na thei-de

[Atpot]

Byond ID:
Atpot

Marine Name (so we know who you are):
Zoey Blackfield

Name of the character you want whitelisted (As in, the name your predator will use):
Ka'Torag-na thei-de ((Lurking Death))

Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor (viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2693)?
Yes I am.

Character background (an RP description as to why this character would be in this position, such as clan information. This will weigh HEAVILY on the decision, so make the information count):

Ka'Torag-na thei-de is now a blooded yautja seeking to honor any worthy opponent.

During Ka'Torag-na thei-de's first hunt of the kiande amedha there had been unforeseen circumstances leading to the queen freeing herself from the nesting machine. The queen had caused massive damage to the ship after escaping her bonds eventually causing the ship to preform a emergency landing on the hunting grounds. When the shuttle touched down on the surface of the planet it was swarmed with freshly born hard meat that already had the taste of unblooded yautja blood.

Ka'Torag-na thei-de had been on the planet along side the other unblooded when the ship landed. Blood fueled the battle between the yautja tribe and the hard meat. The young Ka'Torag-na thei-de tossed right into the middle of chaos preformed with calculated technique and finesse. Out performing and out lasting all of the unblooded and even some of the elite in his tribe. After hours of merciless battle the tribes leader struck a final blow on the queen, claiming her head. The tribe had recovered shortly after the incident while Ka'Torag-na thei-de gained much recognition and honor for his feats.

While attempting to continue his climb up the hierarchy of yaujta society after acquiring blooded status his eyes set gaze upon Planet LV-624 where a recent hive outbreak of hard meat occurred, His hopes to make a worthy trophy of a queen within his clutches. When arriving on LV-624 Ka'Torag-na thei-de discovered a soft meat presence, Yearning to observe and hunt the most worthy of soft meat also appeased his thoughts and upon this discovery Ka'Torag-na thei-de decided to put his curiosities to rest.

Why should we whitelist you?
I consider myself to be a intelligent and mature individual. My role playing abilities aren't too shabby either.

Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey the Predator Code of Honor?
Yes I understand.

[Feweh]

Bio was very basic considering the other applicants, feel like you really rushed it and could of put more effort into it.
There's no information about your Predator's name, abilities, clan or anything? So really, there's not much lore beyond a short story.


There's nothing wrong with it Lore wise, it's just not very interesting or fulfilling.

-1

[Atpot]

feel like you really rushed it and could of put more effort into it.

Funny you say that, I've been bouncing ideas in my head since alpha was released. Spent a couple days putting it together.
Anyways thank you for the opinion

[Rahlzel]

Good stuff. And another Thei-De. +1

[Atpot]

Thank you Rahizel, boosted my morale.

[Xxxretroxgears3]

+1 decent I could aruge a small case of BORING STORY negative 1 but I would 2 see u try a round or 2 if your bad I get removed simple

[Felkvir]

Byond ID:
Atpot

Marine Name (so we know who you are):
Zoey Blackfield

Name of the character you want whitelisted (As in, the name your predator will use):
Ka'Torag-na thei-de ((Lurking Death))

Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor (viewtopic.php?f=57&t=2693)?
Yes I am.

Character background (an RP description as to why this character would be in this position, such as clan information. This will weigh HEAVILY on the decision, so make the information count):

Ka'Torag-na thei-de is now a blooded yautja seeking to honor any worthy opponent.

During Ka'Torag-na thei-de's first hunt of the kiande amedha there had been unforeseen circumstances leading to the queen freeing herself from the nesting machine. The queen had caused massive damage to the ship after escaping her bonds eventually causing the ship to preform a emergency landing on the hunting grounds. When the shuttle touched down on the surface of the planet it was swarmed with freshly born hard meat that already had the taste of unblooded yautja blood.

Ka'Torag-na thei-de had been on the planet along side the other unblooded when the ship landed. Blood fueled the battle between the yautja tribe and the hard meat. The young Ka'Torag-na thei-de tossed right into the middle of chaos preformed with calculated technique and finesse. Out performing and out lasting all of the unblooded and even some of the elite in his tribe. After hours of merciless battle the tribes leader struck a final blow on the queen, claiming her head. The tribe had recovered shortly after the incident while Ka'Torag-na thei-de gained much recognition and honor for his feats.

While attempting to continue his climb up the hierarchy of yaujta society after acquiring blooded status his eyes set gaze upon Planet LV-624 where a recent hive outbreak of hard meat occurred, His hopes to make a worthy trophy of a queen within his clutches. When arriving on LV-624 Ka'Torag-na thei-de discovered a soft meat presence, Yearning to observe and hunt the most worthy of soft meat also appeased his thoughts and upon this discovery Ka'Torag-na thei-de decided to put his curiosities to rest.

Why should we whitelist you?
I consider myself to be a intelligent and mature individual. My role playing abilities aren't too shabby either.

Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey the Predator Code of Honor?
Yes I understand.

Haven't replied to this yet, so i thought some constructive criticism could be used here. Pink narrowed it down a lot, so i'll provide some detail if i can


When we start reading, we literally just get a short description of your character then jumping into this short story without properly introducing the character, which would be more important if you're gonna write it like a story instead of describing the Yautjas life.

Your choice of words is a bit uninspired (like 'nesting machine'), and the way you write the events "The young Ka'Torag-na thei-de tossed right into the middle of chaos preformed with calculated technique and finesse." makes it hard to imagine what you're trying to describe here. "Out performing and out lasting all of the unblooded and even some of the elite in his tribe." Yautja Elites are LITERALLY the elite here. The experience and training alone required for that rank means that they are typically far stronger than any lower ranked Yautja. Not impossible, perhaps.. But again it sounds like that rly speshiul kind of thing. Iunno.

"When arriving on LV-624 Ka'Torag-na thei-de discovered a soft meat presence, Yearning to observe and hunt the most worthy of soft meat also appeased his thoughts and upon this discovery Ka'Torag-na thei-de decided to put his curiosities to rest." In our story here, Yautja come to hunt the xenomorphs alone i believe. And even if they would hunt them as well, Yautja have little regard for humans anymore considering their nature.

Overall, it's eh ... -1 .. But i think there is definitely chance for improvement

[Atpot]

First let me say thank you for the input. My application has been a little neglected. However here are my rebutted answers to your criticism.

When we start reading, we literally just get a short description of your character then jumping into this short story without properly introducing the character, which would be more important if you're gonna write it like a story instead of describing the Yautjas life.

Please understand this is the beginning of this particular Yautjas blooded status. Meaning there is little that this Yautja has done with his life until now. This might sound naive, but this was my reasoning for keeping the introduction on the character short, very short. I felt the story of the first and only meaningful event in his life would suffice.

Your choice of words is a bit uninspired (like 'nesting machine')

Nesting machine is the very same description from the novels. Also i don't understand what you mean by uninspired, That feels like a borderline insult. Are you saying there was a lack of creativity due to the way i referred to the nesting machine? If so please give me an example of the way you would write it.

The way you write the events "The young Ka'Torag-na thei-de tossed right into the middle of chaos preformed with calculated technique and finesse." makes it hard to imagine what you're trying to describe here.

Well if you don't take the sentence out of context and actually read it along side the paragraph provided, It makes complete sense. I find it kind of hard you can't understand the description given. A fight breaks out, Yautja respond, Its complete chaos due to the situation, and with prior knowledge to what a yautja does, understanding technique and finesse shouldn't be a problem.

"Out performing and out lasting all of the unblooded and even some of the elite in his tribe." Yautja Elites are LITERALLY the elite here. The experience and training alone required for that rank means that they are typically far stronger than any lower ranked Yautja. Not impossible, perhaps.. But again it sounds like that rly speshiul kind of thing. Iunno.

I would appreciate if sarcasm was not included in what you refer to as constructive criticism.
This aside, it is true elites are extremely well adverse in combat and hunting, Big BUT here, If you understand war, and how casualties actually work, People of all ranks can die, no one is invincible. The fact he survived was more luck than anything I'll give you that, but I wanted the audience to interpret that for themselves.

"When arriving on LV-624 Ka'Torag-na thei-de discovered a soft meat presence, Yearning to observe and hunt the most worthy of soft meat also appeased his thoughts and upon this discovery Ka'Torag-na thei-de decided to put his curiosities to rest." In our story here, Yautja come to hunt the xenomorphs alone i believe. And even if they would hunt them as well, Yautja have little regard for humans anymore considering their nature.

Have you ever read one of the novels? All yautja seek to hunt worthy prey, Humans happen to fall into that category once in awhile, stories get passed down, Curiosities are awoken.
If you neglect the fact the sulaco is in orbit around LV and the Predators have technology that can detect ships from superior distances than yes I would agree with you there. The one thing is, it is, and they do. So I'm pretty sure a predator would be aware of their presence before they happen to bump shoulders with them planet side.

[SASoperative]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh Been neutral for a LONG time but that defense just gave you my +1

[Atpot]

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh Been neutral for a LONG time but that defense just gave you my +1

Thank you SAS <3

[Felkvir]

Please understand this is the beginning of this particular Yautjas blooded status. Meaning there is little that this Yautja has done with his life until now. This might sound naive, but this was my reasoning for keeping the introduction on the character short, very short. I felt the story of the first and only meaningful event in his life would suffice.

They live very long lives, i'm sure there is plenty of stuff that can be fitted into the story. It seems abrupt, and i'd figure we get to know the character in question in a way before you just instantly get to play with him..

Nesting machine is the very same description from the novels. Also i don't understand what you mean by uninspired, That feels like a borderline insult. Are you saying there was a lack of creativity due to the way i referred to the nesting machine? If so please give me an example of the way you would write it.

Nesting machine .. Alright, it reminded me of another applications choice of words.. Forget it then. And before you get your tits in a flurry here is what i think could be written as well "On the day of Ka'Torag-na thei-de's rite of passage, where his first hunt of the kiande amedha would be carried out there had been unforeseen circumstances..

The serpent Queen had cleverly freed herself from her bonds, escaping the confines of the breeding area and going into a rage causing massive damage to the ship in the process and forcing the pilots thereof to land on the hunting grounds below." Etc .. And these events are accounted for very shortly, even though they are fairly major to the story. It feels lacking, and ...

Well if you don't take the sentence out of context and actually read it along side the paragraph provided, It makes complete sense. I find it kind of hard you can't understand the description given. A fight breaks out, Yautja respond, Its complete chaos due to the situation, and with prior knowledge to what a yautja does, understanding technique and finesse shouldn't be a problem.

Let me rephrase myself in a simple way; it is awkward to read. I understand what you're trying to write alright, but .. 'Tossed into the middle of chaos' It sounds off. "The young Ka'Torag-na thei-de jumped right into the middle of the chaos, his mind set on fighting the serpent brood and his body moving gracefully against his foes as he lashed out with fierce retaliation." < something like that sounds a bit better, IMHO

"with prior knowledge to what a yautja does, understanding technique and finesse shouldn't be a problem." Calculated movements sounds like something a robot would do. Yautja are naturally graceful as hunters, sure. But they gain technique and finesse through experience and adapting just like us. It's just that they do it better.

The fact he survived was more luck than anything I'll give you that, but I wanted the audience to interpret that for themselves.

Fair enough.

Have you ever read one of the novels? All yautja seek to hunt worthy prey, Humans happen to fall into that category once in awhile, stories get passed down, Curiosities are awoken.
If you neglect the fact the sulaco is in orbit around LV and the Predators have technology that can detect ships from superior distances than yes I would agree with you there. The one thing is, it is, and they do. So I'm pretty sure a predator would be aware of their presence before they happen to bump shoulders with them planet side.

Once in awhile, yes. Curiosity may be the way to describe how some Yautja feel over humans as prey, as humans as individuals get pretty diverse and you have occasional guys like Dutch and such who catch their attention. What i'm trying to get across, is that generally humans are dishonorable prey and are often more of a dangerous pest rather than a glorious prey to hunt.

I won't say sorry if you got offended by me somehow, i really will not. I personally think people could go better off being less sensitive to everything. I have dealt with a thousand retards who are overly sensitive and it did not work out for them. I'm not saying you are overly sensitive, but it seems like an annoying trend that people are picking up on the internet ..

And the sarcasm was not sarcasm, actually .. Predator snowflake apps have been a common here. And there are many other apps that have been accepted who are written very well, hence why i'm suggesting now that you could add and improve.

[Atpot]

Before I start, it seems like your arguing to argue instead of listening to the answers I provided. Once more i detect a hint of sarcasm to add insult to injury. So please take this to a more professional level while attempting to give your input.

They live very long lives, i'm sure there is plenty of stuff that can be fitted into the story. It seems abrupt, and i'd figure we get to know the character in question in a way before you just instantly get to play with him..

Yautja get blooded status relatively early in their life cycles. Therefore nothing substantial has happened to him from the time he was born until he was blooded. If its too hard to grasp I don't know how else to explain it. Read what I wrote and you'll understand why I did what I did.

Nesting machine .. Alright, it reminded me of another applications choice of words.. Forget it then. And before you get your tits in a flurry here is what i think could be written as well "On the day of Ka'Torag-na thei-de's rite of passage, where his first hunt of the kiande amedha would be carried out there had been unforeseen circumstances..

So please explain, When I stated I wanted all sarcasm left out, you continue to show your maturity here. Great job bud real professional. This is extremely offensive to me and I'm hesitating on making a report about it.
It's a run on sentence & Sounds a bit awkward/forced.

The serpent Queen had cleverly freed herself from her bonds, escaping the confines of the breeding area and going into a rage causing massive damage to the ship in the process and forcing the pilots thereof to land on the hunting grounds below." Etc .. And these events are accounted for very shortly, even though they are fairly major to the story. It feels lacking, and ...

Again It's a very long run on sentence & Sounds a bit awkward/forced IMHO.

Let me rephrase myself in a simple way; it is awkward to read. I understand what you're trying to write alright, but .. 'Tossed into the middle of chaos' It sounds off. "The young Ka'Torag-na thei-de jumped right into the middle of the chaos, his mind set on fighting the serpent brood and his body moving gracefully against his foes as he lashed out with fierce retaliation." < something like that sounds a bit better, IMHO

Grammar errors and poor structure as well as a terrible run on sentence. "Jumped right into the middle of the" Sounds like junk to me.

"with prior knowledge to what a yautja does, understanding technique and finesse shouldn't be a problem." Calculated movements sounds like something a robot would do.

Again this sounds like your arguing to argue and I'd appreciate it if you didn't troll this app. Thank you.
First of all calculated movements can be interpreted as many things, not just what "A robot" does.

Yautja are naturally graceful as hunters, sure. But they gain technique and finesse through experience and adapting just like us. It's just that they do it better.

Let me get this correct, Your saying that they are natural hunters but technique and finesse is a far stretch? Also technique can only be gained through experience and adaption? I don't even need to point out whats wrong here. I will for just for your sake, Training can give you technique. With technique, you can acquire finesse. For it is to do (something) in a subtle and delicate manner. At least the way I intended it to be interpreted.

Once in awhile, yes. Curiosity may be the way to describe how some Yautja feel over humans as prey, as humans as individuals get pretty diverse and you have occasional guys like Dutch and such who catch their attention. What i'm trying to get across, is that generally humans are dishonorable prey and are often more of a dangerous pest rather than a glorious prey to hunt.

You are arguing irrelevant facts for reasons I don't even know now.

I won't say sorry if you got offended by me somehow, i really will not. I personally think people could go better off being less sensitive to everything. I have dealt with a thousand retards who are overly sensitive and it did not work out for them. I'm not saying you are overly sensitive, but it seems like an annoying trend that people are picking up on the internet ..
And the sarcasm was not sarcasm, actually .. Predator snowflake apps have been a common here. And there are many other apps that have been accepted who are written very well, hence why i'm suggesting now that you could add and improve.

I'm not saying my writting is perfect by any means, But this is where I put my report in. You need to either act more professional like the Staff tag under your name suggests or gtfo IMHO.

[Felkvir]

Again i'm not sure what the fuck you even mean by sarcasm. I made no intent to insult you here whatsoever. Should i bother giving input at all if the only thing you'll perceive it as is offensive?

[Atpot]

Again i'm not sure what the fuck you even mean by sarcasm. I made no intent to insult you here whatsoever. Should i bother giving input at all if the only thing you'll perceive it as is offensive?

Try being more professional with the way you hand out your advice seeing how you are a staff member of CM.

Your choice of words is a bit uninspired

Not impossible, perhaps.. But again it sounds like that rly speshiul kind of thing. Iunno.

And before you get your tits in a flurry

Calculated movements sounds like something a robot would do.

I won't say sorry if you got offended by me somehow, i really will not. I personally think people could go better off being less sensitive to everything. I have dealt with a thousand retards who are overly sensitive and it did not work out for them. I'm not saying you are overly sensitive, but it seems like an annoying trend that people are picking up on the internet ..

And the sarcasm was not sarcasm, actually ..

[Artyom]

Again i'm not sure what the fuck you even mean by sarcasm. I made no intent to insult you here whatsoever. Should i bother giving input at all if the only thing you'll perceive it as is offensive?

To me it seems like you're trying to bash on this app for no apparent reason.



btw +1

We shouldn't be rating people on their writing skills at all in my opinion, this is a PREDATOR application, not a 2014 Writers Expo contestant

[Feweh]

To me it seems like you're trying to bash on this app for no apparent reason.



btw +1

We shouldn't be rating people on their writing skills at all in my opinion, this is a PREDATOR application, not a 2014 Writers Expo contestant

Actually, forming proper sentences and words is a large part of RPing. No one will take you seriously if you can't otherwise.

Felk offered valuable and good feedback to this application, he did nothing wrong.

When you submit a application youre leaving it open for scrutiny should it be positive or negative. Atpot failed to accept this and opened a admin complaint for no reason.

The application already has a weak story and incorrect lore. Furthermore theres already been a issue with Felk who's a fellow Predator, I just simply don't view you as a team player after this Atpot.

I'm sure other whitelisted Predators would feel the same way about this application. The whole application has become quite sour due to OP's inability to take criticism properly. It's extremely unprofessional to argue with someone reviewing your application let alone make a complaint about. Especially when that person is a Admin AND a Predator themself.

I'm at a stronger -1 than before now.

[Atpot]

Seriously, get over yourself pink.
You have no reason to post about a incident you have nothing to do with. I was offended by felk, I made a report. Last time I checked that's what your suppose to do.
I don't appreciate you re posting when you have no reason to other than to stick your nose into someones business.

I can take constructive criticism, Its when you tell me not to get my tits in a flurry, we have a problem. Coming from staff of this game is a far stretch from constructive criticism PInk.
Do me a favor and don't reply to any of my posts.
Also, According to you, The lore was fine.

[Rahlzel]

Locking this thread before it becomes a flame fest.

Atpot, anyone is able to give their opinions on any application for any reason, no matter how inadequate or irrelevant the applicant believes it is. Their voice is heard, but it may or may not have any bearing on the Heads' decision. It simply exists to aid us in that decision.

I think we have everything we need to decide on this application. It will remain until one more Head has given their vote.

Heads: you should have no problem posting on a locked thread. Please do so.

[apophis775]

+1.

Story and app seems legit.

[SASoperative]

Approved and moved.