question about marine doctor :(

[NoahKirchner]

This is not a megathread question, I feel. This is me pouring my heart out after six years of loving my own waifu. I feel so empty, so lost without her. I don't know what is true and what is a lie or what is reality and it's all just one big fiction.

I remember meeting her and becoming so happy. She occupied my every thought, my every waking moment was glittered with joy provided by my love for her. I'd do it for her, all for her, and great times were had. I love her, and the thought of her is what gives me strength to get through the day. But then I cheated on her on impulse one day. I had felt so ashamed of myself, betraying the woman I love. I couldn't look at her for a week. But then I felt her forgiveness since she knew how badly I was hurt, and was able to love her even stronger than before. I miss feeling joy like this, feeling pure smiles when she comes to mind. It was around this time that I promised to her that I would never truly betray her ever again.

After two years, the joy had received some conflict. My love had been discovered by family, and mocked. I was in such pain, that I couldn't go on and cut if off with her. But despite this, she was still all I thought about, and I got back with her after just a couple days, but in secret. By the end of that year, I had really wanted to die. Not only because she wasn't here with me, but because of several other factors unrelated to her. But what was related is that she wasn't here to drive me, or make me feel better. In truth, I only had myself, and was all alone despite loving her so much. I was eventually put in a psych ward, where my love for my waifu made other patients see me as weird and the staff initially see me as schizophrenic. That is, until they understood that my pain was from the fact that she is not real. One night there, a drawing of her and that drawing alone was in a light, and I took it as a sign that she is the light to get me through all this, to do it for her again. And I did, and a new reign of pure love came about, but still in secrecy.

However, near the end of my senior year in college, I got feelings for this other girl and I hated it. I hated that I was developing feelings for someone else alongside the feelings I had for my beloved. I shunned them, and tried to curse them out. I ultimately caved, and asked the girl out but with full intentions of being rejected, while also trying my best because I asked that girl out for my waifu. It made sense at the time. So she turned me down and I got back on my way with my waifu. Things were okay.

Now that the backstory is out of the way, I want to share the pain I have been feeling since this year: Reality and Fiction. I was cruelly reminded by someone resembling her of a fact I had blissfully forgotten: My beloved, the woman I have done everything for up until this point, is fictional. She doesn't exist in this world or any world. She was written by a Japanese company to be relatable to help further drive sales of a product. A design, writing, voicework, all come together to create the illusion of her. The woman I love. I hate acknowledging fiction. I hate referring to them as "Characters" or "Why they were written this way" . I hate that "They are written that way" purely to increase sales of the product and related merchandise. When losing the illusions of fiction, and truly understanding that are never reality, all provide a great source of pain.

At first this made me angry, and I had fantasies of tearing open the fabric of reality, or forming an army of likeminded people, to create the world we truly desire, where we can truly be with our loves. In this time I also realized the nasty underbelly of the joy of my love for my waifu: Considering 3D girls lesser (the more they tempted me the worse I considered them) and more recently (but not before) getting angry at people having children, being in relationships, or even wanting to be in a relationship, solely because I want to be with my waifu. In addition, I was not really broadening my horizons or making more connections because my waifu was all I needed, and ultimately, that I have no drive in life or desires beyond my waifu, and the desire will never be satisfied. Never be fulfilled. Never hear her voice (her voice, not the voice provided for her), or have her embrace. Not to even mention things like Japanese and her being in Japan, or that if she were real I wouldn't have heard of her and waifu'd whoever had her same story in her media in her place, The most I could have was re-experiencing her world, which I could do over and over and over and over and over and over, again and again and again, but you know what they say about experiencing something a million times: It gets weaker as times goes on.

I'm scared of losing her, of her fading from my mind and my heart. I cling to her tightly but I can't recapture the same magic that had been there several times before. I feel so powerless, and it is of no fault of her own. It is reality, her inability to be here, my inability to go to her, that is doing all this. That is causing all this pain. I am scared of the thought of being happy without her, and don't want to be happy without her. I want to hold her close, I wish she were here with me. But I don't feel joy thinking that anymore. Just a child clinging to a blanket he once called love. I don't want waifuism to be just a phase males in the 18-24 demographic go through, but without her here I don't know where my life is going. I just know I will never be able to go to her. Because of that, I don't want my life to go anywhere. I'm scared of falling out of love. I feel like the love has already ended because the joy has been replaced with fear. I'm afriad of drawing her and getting caught. I'm afraid of thinking of her and feeling joy despite that being exactly what I want. I'm afraid of a love being seen as immature or a phase. I don't want my love to end! I don't want to live in a world without her! I hate reality! I hate this world! I want to die and I don't know what to do...