My 100% legitimate staff application that should be taken seriously

[superjo98]

Byond ID: superjo98

Colonial Marines Character:
Dawson Hook
Age: Why do you want to know you pedo?

Gender: Male

Timezone: The fuck is this?

On average, how many hours are you available per week to moderate?
168, I have no life.
Do you have any previous experience in being staff (not just SS13)?
I owned a minecraft server.
Did you play any of the previous Colonial Marine servers?
No
What are the 3 biggest servers you play on besides CM?
I no life CM
Provide links to any previous Colonial Marines applications that you've made:
N/A
Are you currently a staff member elsewhere (not just SS13)? If so, where?
Nope
Have you ever been banned for more than 24 hours on Colonial Marines?
No
Have you ever been banned for more than 24 hours on ANY server? If so, which server, when, and what for?
Its embarrassing I don't want to say.
Are you familiar with the chat program Slack (its use is required)?
Nope
Common Staff Situations:
Write a description of what you would do in each of the following situations. Do not write on the same line as the situation - use the space below it or make space as needed. Failure to do this proves your inability to follow instructions and your application will be automatically denied.

1. A player randomly shoots someone at round start and MPs have detained him.
I know exactly what to do, in fact, I know how the conversation will go!
Me: Why did you shoot him
Player: Fuck you
Me: *Perma-ban

2. The ship has a breach to space and a bunch of players have died or are dying as a result.
That's why its called SPACE station 13 dumbass.

3. You see a player walking around the ship naked and clearly lost.
Ban them for nudity.

4. A player is being very rude to you in Adminhelps and requesting to speak to an Admin+ staff member.
Inform them that I am a Navy Seal with 7 years of hacking experience and will track them the fuck down and beat the shit out of them, while also using my epic programming skills to add SS13 to my phone so I can continue to ban the scum that pollute our server.

5. You notice a player with a name that doesn't fit our naming rules. The player is arguing that: They've used the name for several years, no one has told them to change it before, and that they didn't know it was a rule.
Make them give me a name to change their current name to, then make their name G "rey" Tider and bwoink them again.

6. You see a Maintenance Tech running around in armor and carrying a rifle. The security level is green with no threat present.
They are obviously a UPP spy and it is an event put on by another admin.

7. You see a Squad Medic performing surgery on the planet. He claims it was because there were no doctors in the FOB.
Remove all medical skills from ALL medics/doctors, I believe in group punishments.

8. The round is stagnating. There are 30 marines and 4 aliens. The marines won't leave the ship, and the aliens won't attack. What would you do, to "encourage" the sides to engage each other?
Spawn 50 larva and make every remaining ghost a squad spec. (Add more kits to the vendors as well)

9. The round ends, a MARINE starts shooting a hostile CLF member and the CLF member Adminhelps complaining he was killed after the round ended.
Ban the player for wasting my time.

10. A marine is running around disarming, punching and stealing gear at round start.
Encourage this, he is asserting himself as the alpha.

11. A marine has killed another marine. When you ask him why, he said it was because the other marine had punched him.
Forcefully ghost the commander and then put myself into their body, and then find said marine and BE them.

12. An issue arises that requires Admin+ abilities.
I am and admin.

13. There are minor racist comments going on IC. 9 of the 10 people are laughing and RPing but one player gets offended and Adminhelps about it.
Play the most racist song I can find as a Midi.

14. A marine opens fire at round start in briefing killing multiple marines and instantly logs off.
Obviously a xeno main sent by current queen to weaken marines. Ban the queen and all current xenos for being associated with her. Then gib them.

15. You see a player playing a xeno larva/chestburster run towards the frontlines and die.
It is most likely a tactic I simply do not understand and I will leave it be.

16. You see a xeno memeing, saying AYYLMAO, REEEEEE etc in hivemind chat.
Mute the hivemind, as I said I believe in group punishments.

17. A xeno player calls the shuttle a "dropship". A different xeno player complains to you that it's metagaming/failRP to call it a "dropship".
Force the two xenos to fight each other in the thunder dome, the winner gets their names to be forcefully used by the entire hive. If a xeno uses the wrong name they are banned.

18. A Command staff player at briefing near round-start mentions there are aliens on the planet.
They are RPing as a psychic.

19. A Marine kills another Marine on the EVAC Pod to take the last spot and claims it was RP as he was saving himself.
Destroy all EVAC pods, group punishment.

20. You see a fellow staff member give wrong information in an Adminhelp or incorrectly enforcing a rule.
Perma ban.
20a. You see a fellow staff member abusing his powers in-game.
Use it as an excuse to abuse my own.

21. You see a player talking in OOC chat about what he did with your mom last night.
Inform him I have 2 dads.

Any additional information you'd like to add?
Yes, one of my dads is a lawyer at fox and if you don't accept me they will sue for copyright.

[Sulaboy]

I see you know English. +1

[420MYK]

Hmm very good solid answers but answer this question before i throw in my say...

Peppermint or pineapple?

Its a toughie i know but itll greatly show your potential for staff

[Dorkkeli]

I can't stand nudists, either. Good work on the pre-emptive ban on 3.

+2

[Dothal]

You accidentally posted this in acid goop, make sure to ask a staff member to move it to the right forum.

[superjo98]

Hmm very good solid answers but answer this question before i throw in my say...

Peppermint or pineapple?

Its a toughie i know but itll greatly show your potential for staff

peppermint is associated with Christmas, which is good, but pineapple is associated with that ABOMINATION Hawaiian pizza, therefore I go with peppermint.

[starmute]

What squad is best?

[superjo98]

What squad is best?

Weyland PMCs, they actually get shit done.

[Avalanchee]

What squad is best?

it's obviously the survivors

[ThesoldierLLJK]

Holy shit this is 2 legit 2 quit

+100

[420MYK]

peppermint is associated with Christmas, which is good, but pineapple is associated with that ABOMINATION Hawaiian pizza, therefore I go with peppermint.

Peppermint pizza isnt much better. +1 but with an extended trial period of 69 years good app otherwise lad

[Avalanchee]

Do you put chicken meat on pizza?

Are potatoes made from milk?

What's Emerald's gender?

If you answer all three you have the infinity+

[superjo98]

Do you put chicken meat on pizza?

Are potatoes made from milk?

What's Emerald's gender?

If you answer all three you have the infinity+

Yes

Depends on the potato

Male, females do not exist it is a lie.

[edgardo]

if a Marine ahelps and dabs on you what you would do?


if You see a marine Erping with a door what you would do?

Staying neutral for now

[superjo98]

if a Marine ahelps and dabs on you what you would do?


if You see a marine Erping with a door what you would do?

Staying neutral for now

I would force all players to do Me" Dabs and then remove the limbs of all marines. Group punishments.

Teleport the player and a random ghost to thunder dome. The ghost as xeno queen, they are re-enacting the lusty xenomorph maid to get rid of all the sexual energy. Afterwards I ban the queen for erping. Both of the current queens since I want to make sure they didn't pull a fast one on me.

[GoliathTheDespoiler]

why is this is so relatable

[edgardo]

I would force all players to do Me" Dabs and then remove the limbs of all marines. Group punishments.

Teleport the player and a random ghost to thunder dome. The ghost as xeno queen, they are re-enacting the lusty xenomorph maid to get rid of all the sexual energy. Afterwards I ban the queen for erping. Both of the current queens since I want to make sure they didn't pull a fast one on me.

Realy nice responses, +69

[Dolth]

BAN THEM FOR NUDITY

[KingPhilipIII]

Not enough playtime on the server, I'm worried the playerbase won't respect you as a result.

-1

[RobBrown4PM]

-1, not enough information on weather or not you'll reply with your momma jokes.

[superjo98]

Not enough playtime on the server, I'm worried the playerbase won't respect you as a result.

-1

Lol I always ghost whenever I don't roll spec, I'm job banned from spec for burst firing the SL with incendiary rounds to the head to assert my dominance during briefing.
In order to get the playerbase to respect me I will auto white list myself as CO and ban anyone that disobeys me for any reason even "Oh I can't push theres 50 xenos and I got 3 guys"

[freemysoul]

Pineapple on Pizza? Yes or No?

[Dolth]

Pineapple on Pizza? Yes or No?

4 cheese, cream based pizza with baccon.

[superjo98]

Pineapple on Pizza? Yes or No?

No

[Mister Jeether]

staying neutral for now.

Mr. Wiggles vs. jones, who is better?