Angry Birds

[johners12345]

Please note. I will have my list of what pisses me off about the movie at the bottom, while the whole is my review of it.

WARNING, MOVIE SPOILERS. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

ALRIGHT YA FUCKIN MAGGOTS, LINE UP we about to talk about the cancer called Angry birds, this is gonna be a ABSOLUTE NO FORMAT COMPLAINT/REVIEW of said movie, Lets get on it... Shall we?

So, basically the movie starts off with a basic run down of Red ( the main character)'s life, and let me tell you. IT sucked, this guy actually has a excuse for why he is so angry all the time. Hes constantly left out of ANY social event, and is constantly made fun of for his large eye brows. He was even abandoned as a egg before he was even born, not in a orphanage, but a fucking Lost and found bin. His VERY first thought, is realizing hes been abandoned in a small shack of trinkets. Now, yadi yada yada, The first actual part of the movie, opens with him running through the island with a egg, we aren't told why until he finally reaches his destination, after nearly being killed on five different occasions. TO realize he was getting a "gluten free cake" for a little kid, because he is the clown for the kid's birthday party ( the cake was in the egg that turned out to be fake) now, hes a hour late, and the dad is JUST a little bit pissed. No problem, they rant slightly, only to find out a squirrel was eating the cake. OH NO, the father says the cake is on Red, because not only was he late, but he scared the kid ( cause ya know, kids are afraid of clowns) and the cake was destroyed. Red doesn't take kindly to this, and throws the cake in the dads face, At this point, you may actually think the movie is going to be good. WRONG, you are COMPLETELY WRONG! It than goes on with him walking away, only to trip and smash the egg of the family's unborn kid, the kid survives, and imprints on Red. Which makes for... Maybe two minutes of plot through the movie, which amounts to the kid saying DADDY whenever the kid sees Red. Now, the movie than skips to his past as I explained... In the words of our lord and savior Filthy frank.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2k0SmqbBIpQ



Now, the movie than goes forward to a court case, Red versus the parents, because as you can understand. They are QUITE pissed that their child has imprinted onto a complete stranger, who was supposed to be their clown. Well, Red doesn't take kindly to this ( big surprise) and shows what everyone knew apparently. That the Judge was just a foot high bird, standing on top of a four foot bird (that has a really nasty cold) You COULD call it humor, I don't. But moving on, The judge, being rather pissed. Sentences our main character to what is apparently the most strictest, most terrible punishment their law can bestow.

ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WWaLxFIVX1s

► Show Spoiler

That's right. The worst thing ever, Anger Fucking Management. Ya know what, I could use some of it at this point, now. To get it out of the way, the Anger management teacher is this fucking bird.

Right. That image is bigger than I wanted it, but I don't care. But, if you recognize which bird she is. Well, you can just imagine what'll happen later. Anyways, it's mildly comical. ON the way there he gets into a fight with a little wooden thing that makes bird sounds as it rocks. He proceeds to destroy it because ya know, it pisses him off that it has a sign telling him to be a happy bird and smile. So on wards, he goes inside, we learn Matilda is a hippy, and it than introduces the other main characters. Can I just say that they are mildly funny, including this guy.

► Show Spoiler

(Torence)

All he does. Is fucking Mmmm, save for a small part where he sings, but we will get to the cancer this involves later on. Anyways, they go through a period of "training" which, leads later. to a confession where Chuck.

► Show Spoiler

discovers that someone destroyed his little wooden bird, which if you remember from a couple sentences ago. WE watched Red destroy. Chuck finds Red's feather on it, they do a little grief circle, and than...
the MOTHA FUCKIN PIGS ARRIVE BITCH!

The birds go on to greet them, crushing the wooden bird beneath them as they do so. They have a mild race, where Chuck believes he wins, only to find that Torence beat him, when chuck asks how, Torence only creepily glares at him, and chuckles in his MM'ing way. Anyways, Red realizes the ship is sailing right for his beach house, where he proceeds to try and stop them by running along the beach and hoping they'll hear him. Well, the ship lands, and only lightly kisses the side of his house, he sighs out, and the anchor (Which is a giant boulder) is released and promptly take the whole left side of his house off, He wallows for a second before Chuck says "Sucks when other people destroy your stuff right?" In reference to the wooden bird. Now the pigs proceeded to greet themselves (having escalator issues) and all goes well. Red thinks something is wrong about them ( at this point only because they inadvertently destroyed his house) and decide to have a party. ( this is skipping ahead of a scene with no actual plot development that is fuzzy because of how boring it was.)At this, "celebration" in honor of the pigs, the pigs decide to show their culture.. Which... It.. Literally just throws pig ass in your face. I'm being serious, They play cowboy music and wear leather clad. Practically showing all the goods style of cowboy gear. And while the music is endearing, it feels overused, and leaves you with the want to throw up, and awkward boner. Now, they show the slingshot and proceed to launch Red through it because hes being a party pooper. This launches him all the way to the beach along the pig ship, where Red, Chuck, and Bomb decide to check out the Pig ship and see what they are up to.

► Show Spoiler

bomb-

Suffice to say, after showing many, MANY questionable rooms, Bomb falls through the floor after jumping on a trampoline and discovers that the WHOLE entire bottom part of the ship is full of pigs that were in hiding. Red goes to tell the crowd this, and after The main pig, Leonard gives a little sob story. The whole entire village turns on Red and makes him basically a Pariah for sneaking around on their guest's ship. And so, Red decides they should go see Mighty Eagle, a legend of the "only bird that can fly", Which is a eagle if you didn't tell. So, they decide that he lives on the tallest mountain in the island ( which looks like a bird beak) and decide to go tell him of the situation. Now, during this. The pigs are beginning to build a bunch of Zeppelins around the island, setting up tnt around trees and houses, and are bringing in motorcycles and trucks. It cuts back to the birds, only to find out they climbed the wrong mountain. Bomb, proceeds to attempt to jump off the cliff in suicide, but is stopped by Red and chuck,where they proceed to start climbing up the right mountain. When they get there, they discover the "River of Wisdom" and begin to drink and swim in it. Only to soon find out ( after some disgusting drinking scenes, one where they keep spitting water into each others mouths, mind you only Chuck and Bomb are doing this, while Red watches in complete horror) that Mighty Eagle pees in this river every morning, and it's followed by uncomfortable shots of yellow liquid being poured from between Mighty eagles legs, while all three of them watch, Bomb and Chuck trying to wash their mouths out with rocks and almost vomiting) Mighty Eagle proceeds to call out to them, making us realize that he knew three birds were watching him take a morning Piss. It's revealed that Mighty eagle, who's supposed to have six packs on top of six packs, is a fat, retired bird who likes to sing about himself with his ukulele.

► Show Spoiler

Anyways, after a couple scenes of putting up with his ego ride that is longer and harder than the "it's a small world compared to my ego ride". He basically says he won't help and would rather spy on old ladies in mud baths and that he knew of the pig threat since they arrived. Red says hes dissapointed that his hero isn't what he thought he was, and goes off to do something about it. We learn that the pigs are putting on a party, and while it's going on ( only the birds are there) the pigs spring into action, blowing up the houses and stealing the bird's eggs. ( Which i found the explosions and action mildly entertaining) Red, Chuck, and Bomb try to stop them and warn the birds, but end up failing. This leads to a morning long pan shot of the island showing that the whole entire village is a smoldering mess, The village proceeds to apologize to them and ask for help, Red says he doesn't know what to do and Chuck runs into the scene saying they should just get to work replacing the kids ( He proceeds to say " COME ON LADIES, GET TO WORK!" while pelvic thrusting rather violently at the air.) Red basically says "hell to the fuck no" to that, and proceeds to say they should go after them in their own boat (which they make out of rubber bands, the slingshot they were left as a helm, and remaining TNT boxes) It is shown than that the pigs are planning to eat the eggs by making them into omelettes, boiling them. You name it,

Off Topic

we are shown... Puns through out the movie. on the boat they have a HAM radio, and a giant flag on the balcony that says GREEN HAM AND EGGS.

Back onto topic, it skips to Mighty Eagle, getting prepared to take off to fly... Well.. The movie LITERALLY rick rolls us by playing Rick Roll while Mighty eagle moves his belly fat to his chest and starts to run to take off, only for his fat to slam back into place and land him on the ground, where he skids off the cliff and past some clouds, The movie quickly skips back to the birds landing, only to discover the pig city is a entire Metropolis with a giant castle in the middle. This is where the reference to the game begins, as they use the sling shot to launch themselves at the city in a attempt to get to the castle, and WITHOUT EXPLAINING ANY REASON AT ALL. The birds are able to use their powers, and this leads to Matilda and a few others using their.. Powers.. While The birds remark about this. The ONLY person who has his power explained is BOMB, which he says is some type of disease. After a couple shots of pig building destruction. Red manages to land inside, and signals for the other birds to start coming over, while they begin to search for the eggs. The pigs speed up their plans, and are shown in a banquet hall getting ready to boil the eggs, Where Red comes in and proceeds to stop them ( the process is lengthy and doesn't matter) Where Mighty eagle literally flies into the scene and takes the eggs. Until... OH NO! one egg falls out and slightly cracks, Red. Being the hero he is, jumps back into the castle and dukes out with Leonard for the egg, This leads to him hiding in the pot for the hot water ( after it spills out) to shield himself as he had lit the tnt room they were in. The whole entire Metropolis and castle explodes violently, ( meanwhile, the adult birds are saved by Torence, who was in a pig truck. This scene I believed to be cancerous because it literally had a COEXIST sticker on the back of it as they drove off) and everyone believes Red to be dead. Only for the bird that imprinted on him to scream "DADDY" even though they were about a mile away, to see Red crawl out of the rubble, carrying a broken egg that reveals it was carrying triplets ( how the hell it did this I don't know.) He gives the egg to the parents, they SOMEHOW get back, and they make a statue of Mighty Eagle saying he saved all the eggs, This isn't true for some reason, as the VERY NEXT SCENE shows they rebuilt his house in the village ( they kicked him out before the movie begins) and all the now born kids from the eggs sing a song in his honor about his courage, humility.. and anger..


HOORAY, the movie ends. Now, onto the grievances I have with this movie.
Now, Why do I completely hate this movie? well, it feels like it was directed by Michael bay with the amount of unnecessary explosions, destruction of random buildings, and the people traversing said buildings. They make terrible pig and bird jokes like Home Sweet Tweet, and Ham radio, green ham and eggs. At the Mighty eagles Cave, you can see a golden record that says "Hotel California, by the Eagle", on the subject. The Mighty Eagle is a classic movie case of Don't meet your heroes, they aren't what they seem to the public eye. He also listens to early 2000 music to pump up, like I will survive, Rick roll, ETC. They throw pig ass in your face wherever you look in the movie, along with CONSTANT, AND I MEAN.
CONSTANT
Sexualization of both straight and gay wherever you look.They played slightly endearing but overused country music, Make WW1 jokes, and have a almost Fascist Monarchy society that made me think that at any moment the pigs were going to say OINK, or HEIL and raise their hoof straight to the sky. They, like many game based movies, give ABSOLUTELY NO explanation for any of the birds powers, and ultimately gives the impression that your anger is the only way to solve anything. The MOST CANCEROUS part of it, is that they show modern society, the pigs use selfie sticks to take average white girl selfies, like duck face, tongue sticking out... Twerking, you name it.. I'm actually surprised we didn't see one pig vaping, or one of them take a picture of a bird and make a I CAN HAZ CWACKA? meme" It's like they studied suicidal teens, white girl teens, and no life meme bloggers, and put all of it into a single movie for "kids". They even fucking tried to hide a COEXIST sticker on the truck as I mentioned. They put in a VERY, VERY WEAK Sub romance plot between Torence and Matilda, with Torence making a God touches human's finger type painting, where Matilda turns him down, This is actually a moment I felt bad for a character, Along with free hug hut guy, because they are actually genuinely good characters. However, Matilda soon has a turn on and gets with Torence, for the only reason i could find being Torence rescued them with the truck, and Sung a song.

AND, ON FUCKING TOP OF THAT, JUST TO SEAL THE GOD DAMN DEAL, they make Pedophile and rape jokes about the ONE bird that is actually nice just because he gives away free hugs and runs a hug hut ( which i Guess could be their version of a prostitution ring? I don't fucking know.)
OH AND, they show Child abuse in the one scene where Red kicks the kid into the ocean JUST because he was kicking a soccer ball against his house AND, what gets on my nerves the most was the suicide joke. Making bomb nearly jump off a cliff in suicide JUST because they didn't climb the right mountain and he wasn't trying to get on, they had a 15 second clip of him sitting on the mountain for two days, before deciding to try and jump off and kill himself, only to be stopped by Red and Chuck. This movie is literally the worst, it is worse than Halo:Red VS Blue, because Halo R VS B was one of the first of this kind of Genre, they were bound to get it wrong, but after ten tries of this you'd FUCKING THINK THEY'D GET IT THE FUCK RIGHT OR JUST GIVE UP, but no . They kept going, and now some kids are going to be subconsciously fucked up. I ACTUALLY believe someone should be fired over this shit, and that this movie should be redacted and money resold, because it was just.. Just terrible.

Anyways. That's my rant on Angry Birds. Hoped you liked it, bye.

[Ocnjak20]

Your descriptions kind sir has made me want to watch that cancer so I can cry in the corner over wasted time.

[Egorkor]

making a movie based on angry birds.
there, that's where it went wrong, and when I saw the trailer, I didn't even watch it. just acknowledged it, shed a tear, then laughed. it was bound to be cancer from the very beginning, there's no way it'd be successful.

same with tetris - the movie, got no idea how they're going to pull this one off but they promise it'll be good.

[Ocnjak20]

They should make a movie about....Snake, the game we have used to play on Nokia phones. Lmao.