Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Contains the details about white-listed characters.
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Sora9567
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Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 12 Oct 2018, 20:53

Byond ID: Sora9567

Marine Name (so we know who you are; if you play alien mostly, state that here):
Darwin "DJ" Jefferson

Name of the character you want whitelisted (The name your predator will use. This must match your in-game predator name):
Ryl'ky Luar'Ke

Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor?
Yes, I've read and re-read the Code of Honor multiple times so I would know at all times how to proceed with any given situation I would find myself in.

Character background (An ADEQUATE description and story of your predators background):
► Show Spoiler
How do you intend to play your predator (as in, describe HOW you will act/play your predator)?
The general idea would be to engage in strictly unarmed combat against marines, and then claiming a trophy should the prey be subdued. For engaging xenos, Ryl'ky will use melee weapons, since he is looking to enjoy the thrill of battle, and not looking for a swift, and shameful death for himself. The intended plan would be observing the early sustained engagements to determine which targets are proficient in combat, since sometimes a standard PFC can be more "robust" than a Specialist, same with the xeno side. The targets will then be isolated, preferably with bait, and then engaged in single combat, away from interlopers.

Why should we whitelist you?
I feel that I've been doing a good job RPing any sort of role I find myself in, from the lowly PFC to being an officer, as well as the different ERT roles. I believe that I can handle the responsibility that being a Predator entails.

Have you been banned from CM in the last month for any reason (we will check, and lies may result in immediate denial)?
I have not been banned at any point.

Are you currently banned from any other servers and if so, why?
I am not.

Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey the Predator Code of Honor?

Yes, I understand completely. If the power given is abused, it's to the detriment of the round, which takes away fun of other players.

Please feel free to give feedback, and ask questions if anyone has any. Thanks for taking the time to read the application.
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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carlarc
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by carlarc » 13 Oct 2018, 23:50

Darwin's a pretty cool guy and chill in almost all situations (as shown by his signature), but I haven't seen him engage in some actual heavy RP (Probably because I don't actually play shipside roles often, but still). The story's pretty short, and shows more of the prey's trap (What was the point on focusing on the dagger?) Than of the predator himself, whose personality and style isn't shown at all (Other than a throwaway sentence at the end). While these are all bad points, they don't really add up as the story is mostly grammatically correct (Which is what I care more about) and they're overall minor. +1
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Sora9567
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 14 Oct 2018, 00:05

carlarc wrote:
13 Oct 2018, 23:50
Darwin's a pretty cool guy and chill in almost all situations (as shown by his signature), but I haven't seen him engage in some actual heavy RP (Probably because I don't actually play shipside roles often, but still). The story's pretty short, and shows more of the prey's trap (What was the point on focusing on the dagger?) Than of the predator himself, whose personality and style isn't shown at all (Other than a throwaway sentence at the end). While these are all bad points, they don't really add up as the story is mostly grammatically correct (Which is what I care more about) and they're overall minor. +1
Thanks for the feedback, it's really appreciated. The story's length was my bad: when I typed it out in Word, the length seemed fine, but when I put it in the Forum text editor the difference in size was....noticeable. As for focusing on the dagger, my intention was that Ryl'ky had an appreciation for fine weaponry, and to learn from the prey's tactics to improve his own. In hindsight, I should've added a paragraph or two, but I wanted the story to be short and pleasant to read, since I know you guys probably don't like reading 1500 word backgrounds, you know?
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Karmac » 19 Oct 2018, 01:35

I enjoyed the short story for what it was, but overall I don't feel it did a great job of really personifying your character and explaining to me how he thinks and reacts, especially in comparison to your intended play-style which was rather lackluster. You don't make any mention of this particular squad member appearing more 'robust' than the others in his group and even make a note of how it shouldn't have been a tough fight even though your play-style involves keeping track of this information before attack the prey, so I'm not sure how this could even be construed as related to said play-style.

Overall it just feels lackluster and low-effort, I apologise if you did put a lot of time into this, it just looks like you spent it all focusing on the wrong thing. -1.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by spartanbobby » 19 Oct 2018, 01:49

Sora9567 wrote:
12 Oct 2018, 20:53
“Hrmm, machine fabricated, and of mediocre design” Ryl’ky grumbled to himself as he threw the throwing knives to the side. “I feel almost insulted…”
I'll start by saying I really enjoyed this story I love the "I feel almost insulted.." and I feel like that tiny part told me a good amount about your predator but I wish the story was just a tad longer and told me more about your predator.

You're active in-game along with discord.
I'm feeling a +1 chief
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by ThesoldierLLJK » 19 Oct 2018, 01:52

Darwin is a pretty decent guy and I never had negative dealings with them.

I don’t really Harp on the story, and more on the reputation of the player. I think he could have a shot.

+1

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Sora9567
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 19 Oct 2018, 13:00

Karmac wrote:
19 Oct 2018, 01:35
I enjoyed the short story for what it was, but overall I don't feel it did a great job of really personifying your character and explaining to me how he thinks and reacts, especially in comparison to your intended play-style which was rather lackluster. You don't make any mention of this particular squad member appearing more 'robust' than the others in his group and even make a note of how it shouldn't have been a tough fight even though your play-style involves keeping track of this information before attack the prey, so I'm not sure how this could even be construed as related to said play-style.

Overall it just feels lackluster and low-effort, I apologise if you did put a lot of time into this, it just looks like you spent it all focusing on the wrong thing. -1.

Thanks for the feedback. I see your point about the criticisms of the story. My intention was to go for a more "show don't tell" vibe, but I get what you mean. I kept the story more on the lean side, but in hindsight I realize that that has its own downsides.
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by NescauComToddy » 19 Oct 2018, 14:49

I'll have to agree with Karmac. Your background didn't show much to us about who your character is, and other sections of your app are lacking in content and are much inferior in quality to those in accepted applications.

The way in which you intend to play is generic, something standard and that every predator is patterned to do. Unfortunately, this concludes in a -1 even if you are active in Discord and in-game.

With all due respect, I can't see the effort put in this app. The Council is generally being much soft with apps, but that does not mean that most will agree to the acceptance of apps not on-par with the already accepted ones.

If you've put a considerable amount of your time into this app, forgive me, but I can't see such a thing. However, I wish you good luck.

-1.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Imperator_Titan » 02 Nov 2018, 08:00

This story told me more about the human than the predator itself, which is a giant red flag.

Overall a weak application and a generic playstyle,

-1

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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 02 Nov 2018, 12:12

Imperator_Titan wrote:
02 Nov 2018, 08:00
This story told me more about the human than the predator itself, which is a giant red flag.

Overall a weak application and a generic playstyle,

-1
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate it. In hindsight I was playing it a little too safe in terms of the character backstory and the playstyle. I initially had a much more complex idea in mind, but after talking with other people about it I realized that it was too convoluted to either be feasible, or it wouldn't really add to the round.

As for the story, I had read through approved and denied applications from the past and noticed that really long stories were sort of frowned upon, so I guess I overcorrected in terms of story length. If you don't mind me asking, do you have advice or suggestions for in the future?
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Karmac » 02 Nov 2018, 18:18

You could easily get away with doubling the size of your backstory if you need room for more detail, but ultimately you really just need to bring the focus back to your predator and its play-style. It doesn't have to be incredibly over-complicated, and it doesn't even have to be much longer, just shift the narrative around a bit and you're golden.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 02 Nov 2018, 18:33

Right, thanks. I kind of wish I could add upon the story or otherwise improve it, but I'm pretty sure I can't just go "After taking some feedback here's the new and improved background" in the thread. In any case I really appreciate the constructive criticisms and in the event of the application being denied, I'll take it to heart in the next attempt.
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Ghostdex » 10 Nov 2018, 19:03

The story was short which isn't always bad as long as it flushes out your character and is interesting, lackluster app and I'm not sure I've seen you. -1 from me.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 10 Nov 2018, 20:03

ghostdex wrote:
10 Nov 2018, 19:03
The story was short which isn't always bad as long as it flushes out your character and is interesting, lackluster app and I'm not sure I've seen you. -1 from me.
Weirdly enough I've played CM a while now, very frequently and I don't think I've seen you around either. I think it might be a timezone thing in the situation of you not seeing me at all. Like I mentioned earlier, I've seen a lot of disapproval with overly long character backgrounds so I ended up overcorrecting in terms of cutting down on the length. I realize now that I made it way too short, but hindsight's 20/20 and all that. Thank you for the feedback.
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Symbiosis » 17 Nov 2018, 03:57

Your writing style is great.

But there’s just so little. I wanted to read more. Sometimes I have to force myself through these due to their structure.

Why did you write so little - you’ve clearly got a gift!

I’m neutral for now, this would’ve been an easy +1 if you’d written more about your backstory to show you have a firm understanding of the Yautja culture.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 17 Nov 2018, 10:36

Symbiosis wrote:
17 Nov 2018, 03:57
Your writing style is great.

But there’s just so little. I wanted to read more. Sometimes I have to force myself through these due to their structure.

Why did you write so little - you’ve clearly got a gift!

I’m neutral for now, this would’ve been an easy +1 if you’d written more about your backstory to show you have a firm understanding of the Yautja culture.
Dude, you don't even know how much I'm kicking myself about the shortness. When I typed the backstory on Word, the length seemed fine to me,might be a little brief but that's the point right? No one wants to read a really long backstory, you know? But after I submitted the application itself I noticed the length in the forum text and my first thought was "Oh nooooo. I done goofed." I really wish I could do anything at this point to expand upon it, but editing it after the fact or trying to "play catch up" is against the rules.

In any case, thank you for the compliment about my writing style, I really appreciate it.
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Frans_Feiffer » 17 Nov 2018, 13:39

If it helps, despite the shortness of your story, I really enjoyed it. It was paced well, showed your Preds thoight process, even if a little more of it would’ve been nice, and overall I came out of reading the darn thing pumped. Regardless though, I can tell you put effort into this, though unfortunately as others have said, not enough was in the story.

I’ve seen you around, quite a bit now when I play as Synth and all of those experiences have been quite enjoyable. You’re a decent dude, and i’d trust you with the role of Predator.

+1 from me my man.

As a sidenote, of this gets accepted, then I look forward to Yeyin and Ryl'ky hunting alongside one another. If this isn’t though, then don’t take it to heart. If the story were a little longer, I feel no doubts that this would’ve been accepted.

With that said, I wish you luck, fellow Darwin.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Jarek » 18 Nov 2018, 16:57

I haven't reviewed this yet but I remember doing it. Strange.

Sora came to me and asked me to give his story a look-over. I'm obviously not the best at reviewing a story, since the length seems to be a problem to a few people, but I feel like that shows he didn't just write down a cheap short story for the purpose of the application alone, but actually put some effort into it and took the time to ask other people to proof-read.

+1 from me.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Symbiosis » 20 Nov 2018, 07:26

I’m switching to a +1. But do us all a favor - if you get accepted add some stuff to the stories section. It’d be great to see more of this Predators story; especially if it’s taken from in game events!

Good luck Chief, almost there!
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sora9567 » 20 Nov 2018, 11:44

Thanks for the +1! Well, I already have a revised (read: not shorter than a Dr. Seuss) version of the story ready, which I'll post in the stories section once the application gets resolved.

Edit: words
Usually playing as Darwin 'D.J.' Jefferson, PFC (Private: Flare Carrier), or Smartgunner almost always out of ammo. Occasionally an RO who yearns for death, dealing with rampant jackassery of his coworkers.
Against my better judgement I decided to start making Youtube videos involving Colonial Marines. Channel
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Sailor Dave » 02 Dec 2018, 09:36

A +1 from me. I enjoyed the story, and with what I've seen of your playtime as a synth, I think you can handle this reasonably.
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Re: Sora9567's Predator application: Rly'ky Luar'Ke

Post by Emeraldblood » 03 Dec 2018, 16:18

Expecting that followup story to be good otherwise we're revoking the predator license.

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