Dteinou-Lar'ja (The Dark Messenger)

[SagaSword]

You're right doodeeda, patience is needed. Also dolth is right, obviously my last app was shit but I didn't even get bad feedback which made me question why. Patience is the key to responsibility and I will try to be more patient about it more.

[Dolth]

You're right doodeeda, patience is needed. Also dolth is right, obviously my last app was shit but I didn't even get bad feedback which made me question why. Patience is the key to responsibility and I will try to be more patient about it more.

I am always right... Unless proven wrong.

But no so far I still hold my opinion, saw you doing RP, the app itself isn't great (And imo the player attitude/case is more intresting than the app itself). And ontop of that I just like the way of playing predators. As said in other apps whereas I mostly voted -1 (changed recently to +1), predators tend to grief unpurposedly too often rounds through spamming caster and rushing marines, going with explosion.

[shyshadow]

Hmm, a very interesting application indeed. While I think grammar won't be an issue due to the fact you have at least a firm grasp on it, and mostly because I doubt you'll be writing paragraphs when actually hunting it doesn't matter. Though I suggest you get a better grip on grammar, read a few books, hell even comics would do.

Now the story, it was a really bunched up mess. While it had a beginning and an end. It was really confusing, the beginning doesn't make a whole lot of sense a Clan Leader killing an Adjudicator? For the role of an Adjudicator? When technically all he has to do is gain the head of three queens, while I admit is extremely difficult. It doesn't make sense, according to what I've read that's why an Adjudicator is made into an Adjudicator, not because of some council as you remember it's about the ability to show you are the dominant hunter, etc. However it's creative, so I won't say much considering how iffy it is; however I must bring attention to why in the world an Adjudicator & a Clan Leader would go out hunting without their clan? Clans tend to at least keep close with their damn leaders.

Even more so, how immensely easy it seems for the Adjudicator alone to do this. While he is infact one of the bests, it would be idiotic for him to actually use his glaive when faced with restoring the ancient temple to it's glory. It'd be much more smart to just use his plasma caster, the plasma caster in itself isn't dishonorable it's just less of honorable kill when it's used. Considering the intensity of the situation, he would've actually used it in reality. Maybe after clearing out all of the xenos, he would've used his glaive to kill the queen, but he didn't. In the end he managed to kill the queen and then, he gets betrayed by the clan leader. While it is possible, if I remember correctly predator's pain tolerance are extremely superior to that of a human.

An example is in predator 2 when the "City Hunter" gets shot I'd say about 6 times by slugs, and yet is able to get up without much of a wheeze of pain. Shortly after his fucking hand gets cut off and he manages to not pass out from how much it should've hurt. Now take into account that your predator was infact an Adjudicator and that predator was probably only still a blooded hunter, that means a measly impalement couldn't have taken him out. Maybe he could've had his shit torn in by the Clan Leader? Though you never specify this, so I'm assuming that you pass out by the time you finish the paragraph. When I would've expected the absolute badass that cleared out I'd say about 12 serpents with his glaive in a quick manner. Then is put down by a single stab to the back? I'd hope not, there are a lot of plot holes in your story. It makes me ask so many questions with very little explanation.

This is only the 1st chapter but I digress. The point I'm trying to make, that this story is like a sifter. There's can be a lot of things inside but you shake it a bit. Then a lot of things come out and there's nothing but questions that is revealed.

You obviously put an immense amount of effort into the story, that's respectable and I can't say it was a terrible application. Because it really wasn't, it was pretty good, but there are things wrong with it that I can't continue talking about because I'm arguing with myself. I've dragged on this review too long, it's a good story I tell you that but It's not a backstory. There's a lot of things but it doesn't make me want to +1 this app. You have an immense amount of potential, just try and be more creative when it comes to the play style and less about the story.
The story of course has to be strong but it doesn't have to be THIS. Anyway I've said my piece.

As much as I want to be neutral on this, I'm not going to sorry Saga. I really hope you read this and think about how to make strong stories. -1

[SagaSword]

-snip-

Thanks for the feedback, I am actually trying to improve my grammar now reading comics and all that shit. Let me answer your debates about the plot holes in my story.

First, you totally messed up the adjudicator's rank with the Clan Leader. To become a clan leader you first have to claim 3 Queens' heads THEN cleanse a hive of 300 members. Adjudicators, on the other hand, are like Elite Clan Leaders who have shown their prowess as hunters and their ability to lead the Clan. Therefore, they're precisely picked from among the Elites of the Elites, and likely the Council are the ones who debate on whether to make this guy a "World Leader" or Adjudicator or not. Now both of the Clan Leader and the Adjudicator are on the same level but my predator was chosen instead of the other one because he deemed himself one step ahead in commanding the clan to a greater good so when my predator dies, there's only one yautja a step below him that is the Clan Leader.

Also, Hive cleansing can be done with at least three members "In my story it was only two members, the adjudicator and the clan leader". Trained and Skilled as they are, they surely won't need any help but to keep a close look on them they always track them and record their hunts using the mask's recordings, which the Clan Leader erased after he killed the Adjudicator to hide his crime. They also have high trusts in both of them because duh, they're fucking Clan Leaders and respected so if they wanted to go to a planet to hunt they could do it alone if they ordered the others not to follow them.

Secondly, you talked about my predator's skills. I totally mentioned in the story that he excels in speed more than anything else, I expected that you'd guess that he won't throw himself in a pile of xenomorphs but rather haul them into a place where he cannot get flanked and his speed would help him dodge and parry the incoming attacks. Also don't forget the Clan Leader's backup, I didn't mentioned because I wanted to shorten the story but you get what I mean, I said they were hunting together.

I also didn't forget that Yautjas have pain tolerance that is as strong as fucking iron. But in chapter one when he charged into the temple I mentioned at the end of the paragraph that his speed prowess suffices for his lack of physical power (He is strong, but as strong as a muscular human who can lift another one and this compared to the yautja's normal strength is a bit lacking). Don't forget that the Clan Leader is also skilled and when he strikes he is sure that he inflicts the most damage possible to his enemy.

I hope that answers your questions, I am truly sorry for not making the story to your liking, I'm still an apprentice in writing.

[Mook476]

I like your story, and I know how it is to struggle with english grammar I'm still learning more about english every day. I like the calling card bit, and I think you would be a decent pred but I'm just gonna remain neutral for now apologies I like the app though it looks like you put a lot of effort into it.

[shyshadow]

-snip-

Alright, about the Adjudicator thing my bad. Some times you get things mixed up, but onto the whole "he's not that strong" portion. I kinda think it'd be rather backwards, obviously no hunter is perfect but I'd expected an Adjudicator would be absolutely dominant in every single physical aspect. I get the Clan Leader is skilled, but it's literally the Adjudicator's job to deal with bad bloods. Ensuring that they don't dishonor their clan ever further, while the Clan Leader is a skilled hunter it still doesn't explain as to why your Predator didn't retaliate.

As said before it's an Adjudicator's job to deal with these types of Yautja, and yet he goes down like a fly. How is able to outmatch strength of another stronger hunter if his own strength is inferior to their own? His speed? What if he isn't faster? What if he makes a mistake and can't outmatch the strength of another Yautja when he's faced in unarmed combat? Speed is one thing, but strength can force him to bend his knees and submit when he's been hit. I'm more then sure he's been injured more times then he can count even as a skilled hunter, it's an inevitably to be injured while hunting.

Your Adjudicator defies what a an Adjudicator should be, an absolutely perfect hunter with the ability to deal with nearly any Bad Blood. Also wouldn't the other the Council of Adjudicators be suspicious considering both of their mask recordings were gone? I understand a Clan Leader is a trust worthy hunter but it's their literal JOB to make sure things aren't fucked. I'm sure they've dealt with these kinds of things more then once and have more experience then basically anyone, but as it still stands I'm not too keen about this; however I'll switch to neutral considering the circumstances.

[SagaSword]

I like your story, and I know how it is to struggle with english grammar I'm still learning more about english every day. I like the calling card bit, and I think you would be a decent pred but I'm just gonna remain neutral for now apologies I like the app though it looks like you put a lot of effort into it.

Thank you for the feedback, I hope I will live up to your hopes and you're free to choose whatever you want. I might fuck up sometimes and that's the human way so please don't judge me if I mistake sometimes. You don't need to apology on your feedback and I did put a lot of effort into this. It took me like more than 3 months to make this.

-beep-

You're right about the Adjudicator dealing with bad bloods but everything is bound to fuck up sometimes. The Clan Leader must have put a plan before trying to assassinate an Adjudicator. tbh I didn't think that deep about the ambush of the Clan Leader but a Clan Leader turning into a Bad Blood is a sight you don't see everyday and surely the Adjudicator would've fell to his plans. You also mentioned that Adjudicators are perfect hunters who can "Nearly" deal with any Bad Blood and that negates your talk about the Adjudicator making a mistake when fighting another hunter. More so, you mentioned he Nearly can deal with any bad blood but a bad blood who was going to become an Adjudicator himself? Didn't you think that the Clan Leader would've known the prowess of his target and striking him when least expected?

Now onto the Council of Ancient part, I didn't say the Clan Leader became an Adjudicator afterwards. I kept it "Secret" and all I mentioned was my predator's burial. You're free to determine the fate of such Clan Leader. I won't really care.

I'm happy that I was able to shift your view point to my story, and I wish to hear more from you.

[Feweh]

Denied.

You aren't a strong RPer and you also decided to send me multiple stupid PMs.
The initial PM literally asking me to look over you APP before posting it and then you sent me a couple more PMs about your app.

I really don't think you're capable of handling Predator and a bit too immature.