[REDACTED] Predator application (ENJOY!)

[[REDACTED]]

Byond ID: DATA EXPUNGED

Marine Name (so we know who you are; if you play alien mostly, state that here): Ethan Hunter

Name of the character you want whitelisted (The name your predator will use. This must match your in-game predator name):
Ya’tea-Than

Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor?
Yes I’m familiar with it

Character background (An ADEQUATE description and story of your predators background):
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-T5 ... AYDJ-38X2w

How do you intend to play your predator (as in, describe HOW you will act/play your predator)?
I would try to make the round fun and interesting rather than killing everything I see. I would incorporate “fear making” Rp such as tapping windows, stalking marines and aliens from the shadows, running around marines only to disappear again, make clicking noises and roaring from the shadows.

Why should we whitelist you?
I’m a pretty cool guy, I’m a big fan of AvP. I’m a good marine and alien player overall, and I’m a competent person.

Have you been banned from CM in the last month for any reason (we will check, and lies may result in immediate denial)?
No I’ve never been banned before

Are you currently banned from any other servers and if so, why?
I’m not banned from any server currently

Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey
Yes I completely understand

[Shyguychizzy]

Alright, gonna be brutally honest. Have yah even seen the rules for the application? (viewtopic.php?f=124&t=10293) "Your forum account must be at least 1 month old before submitting an app." Which I noticed yer only barely half a month old forum account.
What is an issue to me is that....
1. Broke the Pred App Rules before even applying
2.Many people look for those who be active not require however highly frowned upon low forum posts. Just lets the community who you are and knowing your active in the community whether its commenting or posting of yer own goods.
3.It seems very bland, back story eh had good pred lore into it but eh. Nothing new about such, just detailed a bit. Same goes for how you intend, among our hunt many already do so or this is natural behavior for many preds.
4. No idea who you are and uncertain if this role might be good as never seen who you are or even know who you are.
5. It seems to lack a lot. It doesn't say the limit but a brief explanation but a bit more effort expanding the story a bit would gradually enhance the app a bit well overall in this matter.

My final verdict gonna be -1.

[ArrancarX5]

I'm going to agree with Shyguychizzy here...I'm going to have to say -1 here also...

[TR-BlackDragon]

Yea You failed to follow the app rules. Its not my call but im going with a -1 due to your account not being a month old.

[NGGJamie]

For my review I'll skip the new forum account bit and simply review the application itself, and what might be improved from it.

Your backstory is notably well written for what it does, however there isn't enough substance to it. Three paragraphs isn't much room to define a character, and while you put in a good amount of knowledge about the Yautja themselves, you've given us little in way of your own character's personality. As mentioned above the story itself is very bland, lending itself to being a very generic predator story. Key areas of improvement you may want to work on would be:

• Your introduction does not have any attention-grabbing features. While not necessarily required, it could help. You want to put something at the start of your introduction that makes the reader want to keep going. Further, it could be improved by lengthening the first paragraph to at least 5-8 sentences, giving yourself more room to give us an initial idea of who your character is.
• More details could be added throughout. What is your character like? Does he have hobbies? Something that makes him unique?
• You do not present a strong ending paragraph. The final paragraph takes one of the most defining parts of your character's backstory, and throws it to the wayside "The Hobbit" style. Remember that with anything you write, your ending is what sticks to your readers the most after they finish. A good ending can undo flaws in the rest of the story, making it seem better than it actually may have been to all but the most critical eyes.

One notable thing you did well was this piece:

"Ya’tea and two other unblooded stepped off. It was a planet, flourished with flora and wildlife. It was raining and mildly humid."

This is a very vivid description of the surroundings, and gives the reader a clear idea as to what sort of environment your character is in. If you'd kept the rest of this part of the story that way with more details about how the actual hunt went, it would improve your writing dramatically. In fact, my own backstory had a piece very similar to yours that went like so:

"He didn't have much time to admire the pyramid shape and outward decorations depicting legendary hunters of old before the Elder led him and his brothers to the door. He stepped in with the two other unblooded Yautja, the door slid shut behind them as they entered with only three pathways left available in front of them. The hunters gave cursory glances at each other, and sprinted into each one's respective path where they would face off against a serpent with only the most basic of equipment, hopefully coming out alive and honorable. Yet another door slid shut behind Thei-De Na'Tauk as he entered the chamber which would hold his fate. At his time of entering, the chamber was empty; only black walls of a cylindrical room decorated with the marks of claws, acid, and failed swings with weapons of previous battles surrounded him with a flat ceiling approximately 5 meters above. He switched his visor to serpent vision, and within a few moments a door in front of him opened up revealing his opponent."

Give yourself more time in the community, hone your story and character to be something unique and interesting. The Predator whitelist is a very tough one to get, and most applications see the denial pit. Regardless of the end result I think you do have potential to get this whitelist after seeing your writing skills, despite my criticisms. The story you crafted was not bad, merely bland. With that, my conclusion is a -1

[edda]

Since the account isn't old enough, I don't know if voting +/- 1 even makes sense. NGGJamie gave you great advice. I'd try again at a later date.

[[REDACTED]]

Yeah, I will try again later hopefully with a more flavorful background, and when my account is older.Thanks for the feedback and advice everyone

[NGGJamie]

Denied

Account is too new to make an application.