Very Serious Mini Stories

[Sleepy Retard]

Jon "Houndslayer" Svarlson, a hot-headed, brave, honorable, and slightly trigger-happy marine in the nexus FOB which is being attacked by the Xenos.

The Nexus on LV-624 was besieged by gigantic lizards, weird hand vaginas, and chrome domes who don't know what to be shooting at. Luckily for Jon, he was equipped with one of the finest pieces of tech that the USCMC had: a SADAR. Able to turn any hostile into a pile of gore, while simultaneously cooking a mean burger with the backblast. Positioning himself in front of a table, he set up a row of uncooked burgers for his consumption later on. Firmly securing the Sadar on his shoulder, he intently watched the shadow for any more lizards. Noticing the slightest bit of movement, he launched a high explosive rocket at it. Last second, he had realized what he shot at as it made its final, “Bork.” before being turned into a rain of puppy gibs and blood. With an annoyed sigh, he grabbed a freshly cooked burger from behind him and began to nibble on it as he slammed another rocket into his sadar.

“Guess they don't call me hound slayer for nothing.” he remarked, as he watched a strange red headed Russian woman hop the barricade and start eating the remains of the poor puppy. Shaking his head, he watched as the woman was almost immediately pounced by a red alien. “Mmf. Why do we hire fat marines? Always getting themselves in trouble for the next bite.” Finishing reloading the next rocket, he launched it at the red dog. Hopping the barricade, he ran over to the marine who was missing her legs and right arm. “You're lucky I'm so heroic and saved you, or else you'd be missing all of your limbs.” he said to the girl, slowly dragging her back as she screamed in agony and reached for one of her legs, beginning to eat it.

Hefting the marine up, Jon prepared to throw her over the barricade. With a few grunts, he launched her head first into the the barricade. Stumped, he dragged her back away and scratched his head. “Oh, I know!” he yelled out, “I'll use a high explosive rocket to propel her over the barricade!” Taking a few steps back, he slammed another rocket into the sadar and aimed it at the ground below her. Firing the rocket, the marine is propelled to the ceiling, bouncing off it and landing on a medical bed. Satisfied with himself, he hopped over the barricade and grabbed another burger, eating it in pride.

[Helgraf]

The Nexus on LV-624 was besieged by gigantic lizards, weird hand vaginas, and chrome domes who don't know what to be shooting at. Luckily for Jon, he was equipped with one of the finest pieces of tech that the USCMC had: a SADAR. Able to turn any hostile into a pile of gore, while simultaneously cooking a mean burger with the backblast. Positioning himself in front of a table, he set up a row of uncooked burgers for his consumption later on. Firmly securing the Sadar on his shoulder, he intently watched the shadow for any more lizards. Noticing the slightest bit of movement, he launched a high explosive rocket at it. Last second, he had realized what he shot at as it made its final, “Bork.” before being turned into a rain of puppy gibs and blood. With an annoyed sigh, he grabbed a freshly cooked burger from behind him and began to nibble on it as he slammed another rocket into his sadar.

“Guess they don't call me hound slayer for nothing.” he remarked, as he watched a strange red headed Russian woman hop the barricade and start eating the remains of the poor puppy. Shaking his head, he watched as the woman was almost immediately pounced by a red alien. “Mmf. Why do we hire fat marines? Always getting themselves in trouble for the next bite.” Finishing reloading the next rocket, he launched it at the red dog. Hopping the barricade, he ran over to the marine who was missing her legs and right arm. “You're lucky I'm so heroic and saved you, or else you'd be missing all of your limbs.” he said to the girl, slowly dragging her back as she screamed in agony and reached for one of her legs, beginning to eat it.

Hefting the marine up, Jon prepared to throw her over the barricade. With a few grunts, he launched her head first into the the barricade. Stumped, he dragged her back away and scratched his head. “Oh, I know!” he yelled out, “I'll use a high explosive rocket to propel her over the barricade!” Taking a few steps back, he slammed another rocket into the sadar and aimed it at the ground below her. Firing the rocket, the marine is propelled to the ceiling, bouncing off it and landing on a medical bed. Satisfied with himself, he hopped over the barricade and grabbed another burger, eating it in pride.

This is just beautiful.

[Sleepy Retard]

Oh, do me next!

A marine sees the CO get killed while waiting for his paycheck with carnage all around him

August let out a loud and obnoxious sigh, as she waited for the Commander to finish signing her pay check. “Can you take any longer? You're literally only missing three fingers.” August barked at him, rubbing her cheeks in boredom as she smears her fourth layer of makeup over her hands. “I need this money, Commander. Or else I won't be able to dye my hair, or cake my face in four layers of makeup.” Pulling out a can of tomato paste, she dabs her finger into it and uses it to reapply as lipstick. Slightly turning her head, she watches as a marine is impaled by a slightly angry red dinosaur. Shaking her head in disappointment, she turns back to the Commander as she raises the can of tomato paste to her mouth and takes a few sips. “You almost done now? I've got thi--”

With a loud and deafening explosion, the Commander is launched through the windoor and directly at August, with a minor lack of a head. Scrambling back to her feet, she reaches for her now bald head. “M-muh w-weave! Where's m-my weave?!?” she cried out, frantically searching for her greasy wig. Looking over to a worker lizard, she found her wig: on its head. “M-my weave! G-give it back!” she shouted at the lizard

“Guuuurl, no. I'm looking fiiine with my new locks,” the lizard hissed back at her. The lizard started to comb the wig with its claw, striking a pose.

“You can talk?” August questioned, scratching her now bald head.

“Yassssss, queen! Oh, now I have to face rape you and kill you. Thanks for the weave!” The lizard hissed back at her, throwing a hand vagina crab at her. A while later, a larva exploded out of her chest with a fully grown head of fabulous hair. “Oh mah gurl, you look faaaab!” the drone hissed at the larva.

“Yasssss bitch! Let's go get some Starbucks!” the larva hissed.

“Oh mah god, yasss gurl!” the drone hissed, before heading off to the nearest Starbucks

[Halinder]

An alien hunter trying desperately to tell puns to the survivors and marines while being shot at.

[Sleepy Retard]

An alien hunter trying desperately to tell puns to the survivors and marines while being shot at.

Oh Christ. What do you want the hunter number be? If you have no idea, it's gonna be Ancient Hunter (420)

[Halinder]

Yeah, fuck it, sure.

[Casany]

August let out a loud and obnoxious sigh, as she waited for the Commander to finish signing her pay check. “Can you take any longer? You're literally only missing three fingers.” August barked at him, rubbing her cheeks in boredom as she smears her fourth layer of makeup over her hands. “I need this money, Commander. Or else I won't be able to dye my hair, or cake my face in four layers of makeup.” Pulling out a can of tomato paste, she dabs her finger into it and uses it to reapply as lipstick. Slightly turning her head, she watches as a marine is impaled by a slightly angry red dinosaur. Shaking her head in disappoint, she turns back to the Commander as she raises the can of tomato paste to her mouth and takes a few sips. “You almost done now? I've got thi--”

With a loud and deafening explosion, the Commander is launched through the windoor and directly at August, with a minor lack of a head. Scrambling back to her feet, she reaches for her now bald head. “M-muh w-weave! Where's m-my weave?!?” she cried out, frantically searching for her greasy wig. Looking over to a worker lizard, she found her wig: on its head. “M-my weave! G-give it back!” she shouted at the lizard

“Guuuurl, no. I'm looking fiiine with my new locks,” the lizard hissed back at her. The lizard started to comb the wig with its claw, striking a pose.

“You can talk?” August questioned, scratching her now bald head.

“Yassssss, queen! Oh, now I have to face rape you and kill you. Thanks for the weave!” The lizard hissed back at her, throwing a hand vagina crab at her. A while later, a larva exploded out of her chest with a fully grown head of fabulous hair. “Oh mah gurl, you look faaaab!” the drone hissed at the larva.

“Yasssss bitch! Let's go get some Starbucks!” the larva hissed.

“Oh mah god, yasss gurl!” the drone hissed, before heading off to the nearest Starbucks

I luv it

[Karmac]

An alien hunter trying desperately to tell puns to the survivors and marines while being shot at.

That was painful to watch.

[David Attenbruv]

Scratch my OG one! Can you do one for my main? Johnny O'Connor a disgruntled Engineer both ground side and ship side that chain-smokes way too much, irish and beautifully ginger.

[completelynewguy]

Alyssa Cowper, geared up and jinxing the operation at round start.

[Sleepy Retard]

Scratch my OG one! Can you do one for my main? Johnny O'Connor a disgruntled Engineer both ground side and ship side that chain-smokes way too much, irish and beautifully ginger.

Sure.

Alyssa Cowper, geared up and jinxing the operation at round start.

Noted.

[Sleepy Retard]

do me!

The crew of the Sulaco were getting transferred to a new ship, rejoice filled the ship as the crew could finally be placed on a more modern ship, maybe even one with twice the amount of AP rounds to fill each other with. However, one CE named Buck Parkinson was filled with dread and overwhelming sadness. He sat under the desk in his office, sobbing profusely with a bottle of whisky in hand. To him, a new ship without a supermatter engine wasn’t a life worth living. No longer could he put the entire crew at the risk by having a deadly engine that was quick to go haywire, and no longer could he ask Command for the six thousandth time if he could blow up the super matter core because they were in immediate danger after a pizza delivery boy showed up. The only relief Buck could get, was by shouting over the common radio. “F’uu’hk yUUu aHl, KuuNts. MuH s’puUrMa’tur EnGi’ne iz muRE um’ortant ten a’l of yUO” he had slobbered out over the radio, to no one in particular. Taking another swig from his bottle, he began to profusely cry under his desk. This isn’t right, he thought.

“CE, it’s time to go, the transfer shuttles are here.” an MP said, lightly knocking on the window. “You wouldn’t want to be left behind, would you? Be awful boring when your liver gives out and you slowly die of toxic waste in your bloodstream.” she remarked, in an attempt to lure the CE out.

Enraged, Buck stood up as fast as humanly possible, only to eat shit. Taking it more slowly, Buck pointed at the woman and slobbered, “lUs’eN HEer, b’DdEh, yuO d’nt knu wa’t eye b’wen tHerOugH,” as he finished his sentence by throwing the near-empty bottle at the window. Stumbling over to door, he opened it and puked on his boots.

Sighing, the MP rubbed her forehead. “Are you ready to go now, CE? All of your staff are already waiting in evac.” she said, as he staggered towards her and began to release a fury of fists. Little did he realize, the woman was about an entire foot and some shorter than him, and he was currently punching the air above her. Annoyed, the MP flicked her stun baton on and raised it above her head as Buck punched it and crumbled to the ground.

“S’HiEt kURieTey, I gAhT HuRmBuTahEnED,” he shouted out over the radio, as he was dragged away to the shuttle. Staring up at the woman, he stammered out, “FuHak YuU, b’Ei’H, UhM iNuc’nT y’U fUhAk’n K’nT” before starting to profusely weep again, thinking about how this’ll be the last time he will get to see his beautiful supermatter.

[elantzb]

The crew of the Sulaco were getting transferred to a new ship, rejoice filled the ship as the crew could finally be placed on a more modern ship, maybe even one with twice the amount of AP rounds to fill each other with. However, one CE named Buck Parkinson was filled with dread and overwhelming sadness. He sat under the desk in his office, sobbing profusely with a bottle of whisky in hand. To him, a new ship without a supermatter engine wasn’t a life worth living. No longer could he put the entire crew at the risk by having a deadly engine that was quick to go haywire, and no longer could he ask Command for the six thousandth time if he could blow up the super matter core because they were in immediate danger after a pizza delivery boy showed up. The only relief Buck could get, was by shouting over the common radio. “F’uu’hk yUUu aHl, KuuNts. MuH s’puUrMa’tur EnGi’ne iz muRE um’ortant ten a’l of yUO” he had slobbered out over the radio, to no one in particular. Taking another swig from his bottle, he began to profusely cry under his desk. This isn’t right, he thought.

“CE, it’s time to go, the transfer shuttles are here.” an MP said, lightly knocking on the window. “You wouldn’t want to be left behind, would you? Be awful boring when your liver gives out and you slowly die of toxic waste in your bloodstream.” she remarked, in an attempt to lure the CE out.

Enraged, Buck stood up as fast as humanly possible, only to eat shit. Taking it more slowly, Buck pointed at the woman and slobbered, “lUs’eN HEer, b’DdEh, yuO d’nt knu wa’t eye b’wen tHerOugH,” as he finished his sentence by throwing the near-empty bottle at the window. Stumbling over to door, he opened it and puked on his boots.

Sighing, the MP rubbed her forehead. “Are you ready to go now, CE? All of your staff are already waiting in evac.” she said, as he staggered towards her and began to release a fury of fists. Little did he realize, the woman was about an entire foot and some shorter than him, and he was currently punching the air above her. Annoyed, the MP flicked her stun baton on and raised it above her head as Buck punched it and crumbled to the ground.

“S’HiEt kURieTey, I gAhT HuRmBuTahEnED,” he shouted out over the radio, as he was dragged away to the shuttle. Staring up at the woman, he stammered out, “FuHak YuU, b’Ei’H, UhM iNuc’nT y’U fUhAk’n K’nT” before starting to profusely weep again, thinking about how this’ll be the last time he will get to see his beautiful supermatter.

10/10 Buck is going to be the clinically depressed CE of the Almayer for a while.

[Sleepy Retard]

Do me. I'm Lother Jones, chemist with shiny bald head.

Lother Jones was ready for another robust day of chemistry, as he shined his bald head and jumped onto the chair in the chemistry lab, throwing the bluespace beaker into the chemical dispenser. Keloderm, bicard, blood pills, and even a cryomix was quickly banged out as smashed the buttons as fast as baldly possible. Unknowingly, he made a fatal flaw as he mixed PeriDex+, as the floor rumbled in fury. Three floor tiles pop up, as a Cummander flanked by two MPs slowly rise up from below. The MPs aimed their shotguns at Lother rubbed his chrome like dome. “UNGA DUNGA PERI BE IS THE BAD AND HURT KILL MARINE DONUT MAKE IS BAD” they screamed out in anger, as the commander stared with a blank look with drool running down his face.

“So, why can’t I make it? Mind explaining a little more? Would be helpful.” Lothar responded slowly, making sure not to confuse them. The commander crouched down as he started to autistically screech at the top of his lungs, with his arms flailing around furiously

“REEEEEEEEEEEEE FUCKING DOCTOR I’M EXERCISING MY AUTHORITY AS A COMMANDER!!!” the commander screeched out, as Lother bottled the rest of the pills and shoved them into his bag. Walking out the door and to the ladder, he stepped over the three men crying their hearts out. Nearing the ladder, he heard: “M-muh authority! M-muh ego! I m-must ban peri to be a big man! M-MUH RIGHTS!” being cried out. Sighing he slid down the ladder and headed to the lobby.

“Bunch of medicine here, try not to apply it incorrectly.” He said, as he threw many pills on the floor like bird feed, as they reacted in the only way possible: flipping tables and quickly pecking a pill up with their mouth and spitting it into their fanny packs. Letting out another sigh, he shined his bald head and put the cryo mix in, as power went out for the six hundredth time in the medbay.

((Inb4 this is taken as my actual opinion regarding peri banning and the commanders that do it :^) ))

[TheDonkified]

► Show Spoiler

Lother Jones was ready for another robust day of chemistry, as he shined his bald head and jumped onto the chair in the chemistry lab, throwing the bluespace beaker into the chemical dispenser. Keloderm, bicard, blood pills, and even a cryomix was quickly banged out as smashed the buttons as fast as baldly possible. Unknowingly, he made a fatal flaw as he mixed PeriDex+, as the floor rumbled in fury. Three floor tiles pop up, as a Cummander flanked by two MPs slowly rise up from below. The MPs aimed their shotguns at Lother rubbed his chrome like dome. “UNGA DUNGA PERI BE IS THE BAD AND HURT KILL MARINE DONUT MAKE IS BAD” they screamed out in anger, as the commander stared with a blank look with drool running down his face.

“So, why can’t I make it? Mind explaining a little more? Would be helpful.” Lothar responded slowly, making sure not to confuse them. The commander crouched down as he started to autistically screech at the top of his lungs, with his arms flailing around furiously

“REEEEEEEEEEEEE FUCKING DOCTOR I’M EXERCISING MY AUTHORITY AS A COMMANDER!!!” the commander screeched out, as Lother bottled the rest of the pills and shoved them into his bag. Walking out the door and to the ladder, he stepped over the three men crying their hearts out. Nearing the ladder, he heard: “M-muh authority! M-muh ego! I m-must ban peri to be a big man! M-MUH RIGHTS!” being cried out. Sighing he slid down the ladder and headed to the lobby.

“Bunch of medicine here, try not to apply it incorrectly.” He said, as he threw many pills on the floor like bird feed, as they reacted in the only way possible: flipping tables and quickly pecking a pill up with their mouth and spitting it into their fanny packs. Letting out another sigh, he shined his bald head and put the cryo mix in, as power went out for the six hundredth time in the medbay.

((Inb4 this is taken as my actual opinion regarding peri banning and the commanders that do it :^) ))

ayyyy it's beautiful. I'm saving this thanks

[driecg36]

You kind of know my character maybe.

I pretty much want to make a dossier but Im too lazy.

[Kerek]

Hey boo,

The marines wake up to no MPs, Command staff or cargo staff, BUT a wall is open to cargo and the attachments machine glows like a messiah.

[Sleepy Retard]

Hey boo,

The marines wake up to no MPs, Command staff or cargo staff, BUT a wall is open to cargo and the attachments machine glows like a messiah.

*cum

Consider it done.

[Sleepy Retard]

You kind of know my character maybe.

I pretty much want to make a dossier but Im too lazy.

Конечно, товарищ.

[driecg36]

Конечно, товарищ.

IM NOT ACTUALLY A COMMIE I JUST LOVE ABUSING HUMAN RIGHTS

REEEEEE

[Sleepy Retard]

I play as Natasha Kirov, Russian Medic and occasional SL.

Natasha was slowly helping a wounded marine back to the LZ, looking through her medical bag for any supplies left over. Looking over, she watched the other marine crumble to the ground, grunting. With a slight frown on her face, she knelt down and started applying a splint to one of her hands. “I'm gonna throw this on your hand, it'll help with some of the pain.” she said, as she finished applying the splint. Helping the marine up, she rested the other marine’s arm on her shoulder. “So, what's your name even?” she said, turning her head to look down at the marine.

“V-Vanechka P-Penkina, o-or sleepy, I-I guess,” she stammered out, grunting out in pain. “A-and yours?” she had asked, gritting her teeth.

“Natasha Kirov, nice to meet you.” Natasha replied, as she watched a puzzled look fill the marines face.

“K-Kirov? So...You're a d-dude?” Vanechka questioned, looking back up at the medic. “S-sorta weird, b-but okay.”

Sighing, Natasha walked for a while before quipping back. “No, I'm not. It's just an error that happened on documents. I'm already in the process of getting it changed” she stopped for a moment before continuing, “Besides, your name is Vanechka. That's a male name, no question.”

“W-well, it's m-my first n-name...Not m-my last name, it's a little different. It's o-okay if you're a t-tranny.” Vanechka stammered back, taking a few deep breaths, “L-like I don't really j-judg--”

With a gentle shove, Natasha pushed the marine to the ground and quickly wrapped a roll of gauze over her mouth. With a sigh, she picked the marine back up and helped her hobble back to the LZ in peace and quiet.

Alyssa Cowper, geared up and jinxing the operation at round start.

Alyssa and her squad were assigned FOB duty. Morale was low, boredom was high, and they weren't even dismissed from briefing yet. Ready to blast off her seat as soon as the word dismissed was uttered, she leaned forward aiming towards the door. Before the Commander could even finish the word dismissed, the horde of marines began bolting for the door and running towards the hanger. The overwhelming scream of marines, the call for medics, and unenthusiastic clapping almost dazed Alyssa as she ran full speed down the hallway to the hanger.

As everyone was settled down, the PO slobbered over the radio about “crashing this shuttle with no survivors” and “four by four, sliding down the tube.” The shuttle launched, as marines screamed at the top of their lungs. Four seconds into the flight, Alyssa was already consumed by boredom. Doing the thing she knew best, she unbuckled and pulled a couple of grenades out and pulled the pins. As she juggled them and reset the timer each time it hit her hand, baldies clapped loudly and spat out “UNGA DUNGA MAN WITH BOOB JUGGLE BOOM BALL HAHAHAHAH!”

She forgot one thing: The shuttle has to land. Before she could react, she was thrown off her feet and the grenades flew over the shuttle. Raising her head after she smashed it off the floor, the last thing she saw was a grenade explode beside a fuel tank. Her senses slowly returned to her, as she released she was merely a shadow of her former self. Having her ghost ears assaulted by a thousand shrieks and autistic screeches from fellow ghosts, she was evaporated into nothingness as the last thing she heard was a bwoink….bwoink…..bwoink

[Karmac]

garth is actually a slime that picks its gender in the morning, complete with nametag to help identify. yes.

[NoahKirchner]

Two guys walk into a bar.

[Sleepy Retard]

Two guys walk into a bar.

The first man walks into the bar and falls over, the second man laughs. The second man walks into the bar, becomes seriously concussed and dies of internal bleeding.

[Sleepy Retard]

You kind of know my character maybe.

I pretty much want to make a dossier but Im too lazy.

ENLISTMENT/REENLISTMENT DOCUMENT ARMED FORCES OF THE UNITED AMERICAS: UNITED STATES COLONIAL MARINE CORPS

NAME: Pierre Martin
CITIZEN ID: 2193401
HOME OF RECORD: New Orleans, Louisiana, United Americas
YEAR OF ENLISTMENT: 2180
DATE OF BIRTH: 2160
PLACE OF ENLISTMENT: New Orleans, Louisiana, United Americas
SEX: M
HEIGHT: 6’0,
WEIGHT: 84kg
HAIR: Fuckin’ Whatever
EYE COLOUR: Blue
RELIGION: Roman Catholic
ENLISTMENT STATUS: GRANTED
RECRUITER NOTES: Pierre appeared to be above average physique wise, and was overflowing with rampant patriotism. I quickly engaged in conversation, and later that day he was successfully recruited. When asked what his favourite thing about the Marines was, he stated:”Kicking ass and shooting guns. For freedom and democracy.” Should be a good match.
BOOT CAMP NOTES: Pierre was able to complete boot camp with vigour. Easily one of the best marines at the camp, he excelled beautifully and is almost the perfect poster child of a marine. I foresee great things coming from this marine. He was selected as the Squad Leader for the training exercises, and excelled in that position as well. Perhaps he could serve as an officer one day?
MILITARY POLICE TRAINING NOTES: Pierre showed great vigour in enforcing marine law, and was able to apply it effectively. He was able to curb growing tensions in the training programs, and had no issue putting down a few fights. He showed no bias when it came to his sentencing, and no matter the position or his personal opinion of the criminal, he gave a fair and just sentence. He was also able to arrest a marine under gunfire, which is a noteworthy task.

END OF BASIC USCMC RECRUITMENT RECORDS
> LOGGING INTO [REDACTED]
> ...
> LOG IN COMPLETE. WELCOME.
> ...
> ...
> LOADING EXTENDED INFORMATION
> ...
> ...
> ...
> LOADING COMPLETE. BRINGING UP EXTENDED FILES FOR: “PIERRE MARTIN”

PIERRE MARTIN: EXTENDED INFORMATION

Through diligent surveillance, we were able to find out he had the following relations:

(((I don’t know ur relationships lul)))

Furthermore, our documents say this about his history:

Early in his life, Pierre was exposed to many multi-media things regarding the USCMC. Wishing to explore and also serve his country, he was easily swayed into the ranks of the Colonial Marines. Additionally, his love for Judge Dredd (Having watching all sixteen movies, apparently over a hundred times each) caused him to take a serious interest in THE LAW and the enforcement of it. In his teens, he flunked high school and showed little interest in academic studies. He much prefered to work in a shop class, and play sports. With little drive or skills, Pierre was quickly recruited into the ranks of the USCMC by a recruiter under the promise of adventure, riches, and to serve his country.

In the Corps, he took part in the drop of [REDACTED], which he valiantly took part of. He received several medals for his heroic actions. He was noted to save numerous marine lives by dragging them back to safety, and taking point in several breaches. He sustained massive brain damage, but thankfully nothing actually changed because of said brain damage. He was also committed to the medbay for a punctured heart, sixteen broken bones, Baldington Syndrome, and for having bullet shrapnel surgically implanted into his chest from the barrel of a gun.

He was recently transferred onto the Almayer as a Military Police personnel. Time will tell how it will pan out for him, though we predict it will end well, as the Almayer is a ship full of misfits and bald people, women with absurd hair colours, and with a Commander who shouldn’t even be alive.



Lastly, we have made noted these few extra things:

He is frequently nicknamed “Gulag”. (((put ur own shit here m88)))