Levi

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Casany
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Levi

Post by Casany » 06 Sep 2017, 10:34

Chapter One
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Chapter Two
► Show Spoiler
Chapter 3
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Chapter 4
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Last edited by Casany on 13 Sep 2017, 09:06, edited 6 times in total.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casgair
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Re: Levi

Post by Casgair » 06 Sep 2017, 11:03

-snipped-
Last edited by Casgair on 06 Sep 2017, 23:27, edited 1 time in total.

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 06 Sep 2017, 11:24

Casgair wrote:
06 Sep 2017, 11:03
Kudos to anyone who could actually stand reading an unformatted wall of text.
Yep. I literally had 2 seconds to post it before I had to do something else. I'll reformat, hold on

EDIT: best I can do right now, in about 30 minutes I can get the thing looking good. Hoping to post more stories
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 06 Sep 2017, 20:20

Either way, I'm posting a chapter two of this next week possibly when I get around to it. Mainly just looking for helpful critiques of my writing so I can get better. It's something I pride myself on and I'm always trying to improve upon. Thanks to any posters
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casgair
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Re: Levi

Post by Casgair » 06 Sep 2017, 21:36

Comments on Ch 1:
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Last edited by Casgair on 06 Sep 2017, 23:30, edited 1 time in total.

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 06 Sep 2017, 22:24

Casgair wrote:
06 Sep 2017, 21:36
It is a bit more readable with the white space now -- definitely a larger concern in digital media. Getting to more constructive criticism, though:

In general, it's a strong start. I do feel like you could work on your composition and the depth of your vocabulary — there are a lot of instances of verbs being used multiple times (grabbing a weapon, getting somewhere) and a few low-grade nouns (he had stuff he needed to do) — but that will also come with writing more.

In the same vein, use appropriate descriptions. "Then, he heard a shuffling in the vent nearby. About the size of a child, the vents..." here, "about the size of a child" naturally implies whatever is shuffling. Not the vents. Vents are not the size of a child, they are long tunnels of a sort that may have enough room for a child to fit in them. If that's what you meant, "Wide/tall enough for a child", "With enough room for a child", or something along that line is a much better way to phrase that.

For action sequences, it's always a good idea to cut the fluff; it helps maintain a faster "pace" in your writing. You don't seem like a stranger to this concept and did a fairly good job with that, although you may want to consider taking it even further, as in this line: "He heard it pounce, and he felt its cold claws digging into his back"

Touching on aspects of storytelling, this one line: "Levi grabbed his weapon of choice, a colonial marshals Auto-Revolver and the sawn off double barreled shotgun he found." How did he find it? Is there a story behind that shotgun? Can you work it into your story later? If so, drop the "he found", and use an adjective to show or hint at that. Relate the story of how he found the shotgun when it's relevant and helps with exposition; it will be far more meaningful than the throwaway descriptor "he found".
Thanks for the criticism! And yeah, I thought the vent line was a bit awkward. And I'll be sure to fix the grammatical errors.
Thanks for reading it though. I'll probably go back through tomorrow with a fine toothed comb and try to fix all the small errors. This was a bit of a rough draft. Usually I would read through my stories and look for parts that need fixing but this time I only skimmed them posted.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casgair
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Re: Levi

Post by Casgair » 06 Sep 2017, 23:27

Sure thing, it's a good early copy. I'll go back and spoiler/snip earlier comments to make this thread more readable in the future.

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 07 Sep 2017, 21:56

Added chapter 2. Mainly exposition and backstory. Planning on making 20 "chapters" about two pages each.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 10 Sep 2017, 12:52

Went in and added a Chapter Three.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 11 Sep 2017, 21:58

Chapter four is about halfway done, posting it tomorrow probably.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casany
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Re: Levi

Post by Casany » 13 Sep 2017, 09:06

Added Chapter Four, if anyone wants to read it
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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