Funny, Embarrassing, and General OMG Moments

[Edgelord]

Grade B- pansy.

I'll take "Stalling the round" for 200

[Sargeantmuffinman]

-Snip- I'll take "Stalling the round" for 200

I'm sorry but you do not have the required amount of supply points to buy this product.

[Releasing]

[Gentlefood]

This was great.

[Releasing]

The alium conga line.

[zaeperry99]

So here's a fun thing that just happened.
During a low-pop round, with only about 1 squad worth of marines, most of them got fucked up on the planet, and so everybody retreated.
The aliens began boarding, and we reinforced the bridge. I mean, we turned the place into a FORT.
Picture related: http://puu.sh/n9O7z/10a8479f61.png
They started attacking us, after getting through all of our defense lines, and all of the walls etcetera were collapsing. We were pretty much fucked.
As they started breaking through our grilles, I decided "Hey, I should toss a grenade at that runner who just went into alien-crit and is in weeds, so he doesn't come back".
The grenade bounced off the grilles. A dumbass moment on my part, but we were dead anyway.
See, the kicker is that the grenade didn't just hurt me
It blew up our APC.
Making our grilles no longer electrified.
They'd been breached already, but only in one spot, so the aliens couldn't get through without doing something resembling a three-stooges act. And now the grilles were intact.
Defeat was almost immediate.
I swear, I'm not usually that stupid.

[Hycinth]

The alium conga line.

I put out an order as the queen to cease the shenanigans.

[crono23]

Lowpop round with only about 23 people on.
Playing as survivor.
Derp around for a bit attempting to get into security to nab that sweet shotgun.
Runner spots me.
Cue comical chase scene.
Runner finally catches up.
Tackled to the ground.
Runner can't keep me down.
Spend like 2 minutes attempting to run away from the runner who still can't incapacitate me.
Runner slices my right foot off.
Go into critical.
Somehow still conscious.
STILL manage to keep away from runner for a few seconds at most.
Runner eventually manages to pin me and keep me pinned.
Runner devours me.
Tell runner in LOOC just how pathetic that was.

[ShortTemperedLeprechaun]

A post from keywii everybody, truer words have never been spoken.

https://gyazo.com/a6f7ee0e7e0e3afd1b0a56c58e0103f5

I honestly have no clue how to post an actaul image because I'm not forum savvy, so just click the link damn it.

[forwardslashN]

[Rey]

Hacker Man strikes the tcomms.

► Show Spoiler

[Derpislav]

This scene from Starship Troopers if it was on CM:
DEAD: Urist McMarine: OMG META ALIENS
LOOC: Urist McMarine: STOP RUNNING YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
LOOC: Urist McMarine: I'M AHELPING THIS META

[Sargeantmuffinman]

What?

[Halinder]

I'm gonna try to keep this short and simple. I was playing Federren Macander as a Corporate Liaison, figuring I'd schmooze around and RP a little.

I was not prepared.

ROUND START

So I start the round by picking out a suit, loading up my pistol, planting my golden apple tree, and preparing my safe to hold the reports I intend to send to Weyland-Yutani. I lurk around a bit, have my radio set to all channels, and prepare a report of my general observations of Sulaco staff to Weyland-Yutani. Simple as can be; send them a fax and chill.

THE COLONY MISSION

After telling me what a good little boy I am for reporting in, I later receive a message that I'm to go down to the colony and survey the area -- also, a survivor by the name of Alaina Koepple was found and I need to get her back. They don't tell me this like it's urgent, though. Just an "Oh hey, you might wanna get her back". Standard routine, I expect.

I decide it's not something I can ask over radio, so I visit the bridge and get the XO to give me the all-clear the go down, avoiding the Commander in case she might be a little stricter on policy. I board the dropship, speak to alpha about attaching to them, and go down. After we enter the Nexus, I ask Ray Martinez to come help me check out Administration/Internal Affairs/Corporate pod. He agrees.

We get to the place and find contact, a Drone. The entire pod is closed off. We circle around to be sure, then spot a cloaked hunter sitting on a corner wall. Both of us saw it at the same time, but neither really decided to fuck with it, just looking at it and nodding. Then it pounces Martinez.

Well, VP70, it's time to rock. Thankfully I set it to burst fire earlier. I unload almost all my mag into the hunter and it goes down, and Ray finished it off with an M41A bullet, though he's been bled on with acid. That, I think, was extremely beneficial -- his cries for a medic brought all of Alpha to our location, and after the specialist realized the survivor was apparently deaf to M4A3 pistol signals, he C4'd inside.

We found Koepple vomiting due to alcoholism, talked a bit, and got her to agree to coming to the pod. Both the hunter and the survivor were sent up alone with me. Since she's definitely got liver damage, I send her to medical first.

AVA GRIMES AND THE REPORT

When I fax Weyland-Yutani telling them that the survivor is secure, I'm back home, and that I sent her to medical to have her liver damage healed, they lost their shit in as calm and cool a manner possible. Basically, the message I got was, "you fucking idiot" (not their actual words) "do NOT let her tell Command ANYTHING holy fuck."

Sensing some urgency to the message, I go up to medical through research, find an MP guarding the operating theatre, and open the door as a total guess.

Commander Ava Grimes, my potential worst nightmare, is talking alone with Alaina Koepple.

Naturally I play it off coolly. "Have you given them your report yet, Miss Koepple?" Very cordial, as if expecting her to have done so already. Grimes picks up instantly and jokes that I might be hiding something. I assure her this isn't the case, and that I'm going to be taking Koepple to my office to fill out a report, which she will be getting a copy of. After repeating this two or three times, Grimes finally gives me Koepple. We rush downstairs, though I play it off like I'm a good guy who command has no reason to be suspicious of. Then again, even I don't know what the hell W-Y wants. Not yet.

Grimes was a smart woman. She kept an MP regularly circling my office outside, pretending to be doing nothing. He wasn't very good at it -- I knew something was up, just not what. Hell, he was sitting out there so long, he fully used up one cigarette. But I never heard her talk to him on the radio, which I had access to, so I couldn't know what to expect. If he was coming in, I was done for.

And Koepple, bless her fuckin' heart, spends ten goddamned minutes writing a report. How do I fake a report that took TEN MINUTES TO WRITE when I only have about two? While she's writing, I tell her that it's SOP to implant tracking beacons on all potentially dangerous visitors to the Sulaco, so I manage to loyalty implant her at least. That gives me some insurance, but anyone with a secHUD will spot the implant. Thankfully, the MP never noticed.

When she finishes her rendition of the Aliens movie chestburster (I almost didn't notice in my panic), I fax the message to W-Y with bolded text at the bottom: "COMMAND WILL RECEIVE A FAKE REPORT. KOEPPLE IS IMPLANTED." Then I attach the paper to the clipboard in my safe and throw it in there, locking it and scrambling the code. I take some time to fake a four-paragraph report and have the survivor sign it, with a liaison's note emphasizing that these are wild, cavedwelling mammals. Weyland-Yutani made the objective clear there.

Do not let Command find out the truth. We did this.

CLEAR SKIES

I bring the report over to the Bridge, thinking over how I'm going to sell this to Grimes in terms of the time taken. Dive into a maintenance tunnel, beat myself up a bit, MT finds me but doesn't report it after I complain of some crazy itching. Walk out to bridge, telling the MT I'm going to medical instead. I go in there, ready to give my story about how the woman tackled me thinking I was going to give this to the CMO and have her straitjacketed, only to realize something.

Where the fuck is Grimes?

The acting commander, Erin Kowalski, and my new potential worst nightmare, informs me that she drank on the job. A lot. Thus, she was dismissed from duty, and the XO is on the ground. I give Kowalski my faked report and leave.

After faxing this godsend over to Weyland-Yutani, they tell me that it's the perfect chance for me to coerce my way into controlling the Sulaco. I visit the bridge, offer my services as Overwatch, fumble around with orders, and then tell Kowalski that he's extremely stressed. "You take care of the squads down there, I'll monitor everything on the Sulaco." He's having none of it.

The dude curses me out after I tell him to keep marines fighting at the FOB for as long as possible instead of evacuating the planet, and then tells me in no uncertain terms to perform overwatch or clear the floor. I leave.

"To whom it may concern," I write in my next fax report, "While medical and cargo enjoy my presence, the Bridge staff do not. I will not be able to take the Sulaco by coercion." They tell me that's alright, and that I'm clear of my duties for now.

USCM STRIKES BACK

Within the minute, I'm tasked again, albeit by myself. I hear Kowalski screaming for the survivor, Koepple, whom I've told to be the RO's errand girl, to come to the Bridge. And he sounds PISSED. After writing my most panicked fax yet to Weyland confirming that I have no goddamned clue what Kowalski wants, I go intercept Koepple at the main ladders.

"Come with me."

And then she's dragged along to my office, where I review what NOT to do. It's a basic list, and she readily accepts the orders, loyalty implant and all. Kowalski, not quite as brilliant as Grimes, starts talking on MP radio. "If you can't find her, check the Liaison's office." Time limits have been applied, so I send her up through medical, telling her to pretend like she got stuck and didn't have an ID or radio. They apparently find her, because when I go to the bridge a little later, she's seated and speaking with the officers. I leave.

Still, I can't be sure of what's going on, so I decide to check again. When I do, I hear screams that she's ran off, and then spot an MP dragging her, handcuffed, to the Bridge. The idiot screams for me to help her and "They're onto me!", but again, the MP doesn't really care and just takes her to the bridge.

I can't attach myself to that, so I leave and come to the bridge later. The MP won't let me inside, but blessedly, a BO opens the door and lets me see inside. Not so blessedly, Koepple is handcuffed to an office chair while the XO is holding an M4A3 pistol next to her, asking her which ear she likes less. I come back a few times, begging with the MP to let her go. "She has a family, she's a civilian, she's an innocent woman." I try everything, but he's a loyal bastard. I oblige to the MP's demands and leave, faxing the development to Weyland-Yutani.

As I try to file away the fax I write to Weyland-Yutani, I realize that the safe is bugged and no longer accepts my clipboard. Hurriedly, I go store it in T-comms maintenance under a supply crate, then come back to see Weyland-Yutani's response. I check it out.

"This is our last transmission. USCM is tracking these communications. Take care of her, make sure she doesn't talk."

Well, that just means get to USCM and tell them what their bridge staff are doing to an innocent civi-..

A desert eagle pops out of the fax machine.

IT'S JUST A MINEFIELD

I can't just run in guns blazing. I'm screwed if I do that, and besides, who would care about a little robusting? That's too common here.

Remembering that doctors filed away a squad medic into the morgue earlier, I visit the morgue and pull out the body, yoinking their ID. Russian Red pill bottle, three anesthetic autoinjectors, their shoulder holster, and I'm ready to rock. I take my cup of dutch purple tea, bring it over to the cryosleep showers, fill it with water, and dissolve all 14 Russian Red pills into the cup. The matter now is how to deliver the poison.

Then I recall the MP.

I run to the bridge, pretending like I'm going to have yet another conversation with the MP about the woman's release. We talk for a while, but he tells me that he's meant to arrest me now, and wants me to hide. A good guy. It's too bad.

I step forward, hitting him in the chest with an autoinjector. Within seconds and before he can call for help, I take his radio off. Problem.

Kowalski walks of the goddamned Bridge and sees me, but I'm already pulling the MP away hurriedly, and the only thing I left behind was his radio. The guy didn't question it despite the fact that Howe was still talking and there was active investigation against me. I drag the MP into the brig, pushing his body into the doors hurriedly and dragging him over to isolation. There, I strip him of all his belongings save his jumpsuit, boots, and cigar. "You're a good man, Howe. The company remembers good men." And then he's shut behind bolted airlocks and blast doors while aliens are assaulting the hangar.

Kowalski, though he hasn't told anyone, has me figured out.

He's outside the brig. I rush back, realizing I forgot a gasmask to cover my identity, then go back outside, hoping he hasn't noticed anything's wrong despite clearly knowing he has. The dude wordlessly begins blasting me with an M41A, but riot armor is lovely and I tase him down while he calls for help. "SECURITY. THE LIAISON." Then he's knocked out by the second taser shot and hit with anesthetics, dragged into the maintenance tunnel behind the Captain's Office. We have a brief conversation where he tells me the XO knows, that I'm fucked, and that he hopes I bleed to death. I tell him that his days are up, feeding him the tea. He almost laughs in my face. "Tea? What is this? Tea?"

"No," I say while a bit impatient, "fourteen Russian Red pills dissolved into a porcelain cup." Then I draw my desert eagle and shoot him twice in the head, leaving him to bleed to death in the tunnel while I move to my main objective.

Koepple.

THE HOME STRETCH

Simplest plans are always the best. Less things to get caught on, fastest and most efficient ways to get the ball rolling. And the best part is, some people won't even question you for it.

This was the case when I, dressed as MP Howe, entered the bridge to find Koepple. "Take her with us," the XO was saying, which worked perfectly with what I had in mind.

I unbuckled Koepple.

I pulled Koepple.

I walked out of the bridge.

And no one stopped me.

YOU'RE GOING HOME NOW

This woman was having a really bad day. She cursed me as insane while I dragged her into the brig. I told her she was safe, figuring she'd recognize the voice, but she only went "YOU'RE CRAZY, I'M NOT SAFE AT ALL". So, I took my helmet and gasmask off to tell her that I was the liaison.

Kind of a mistake.

While M.O.T.H.E.R. got the report out that something was going down in the brig involving the liaison, I told Koepple that she was fine.

"You're going to be safe now. You're going to be evacuated. Relocated offworld. You don't have to do anything else."

"Really?"

"Yeah." I took the desert eagle out of my shoulder holster, shot her three times until her head popped off, then dragged her body and head into a prison locker and shut it behind me.

M.O.T.H.E.R.'s report came soon after that.

"Confirmed, the liaison is disguised as an MP. He has killed:

Erin Kowalski, the bridge officer.
Ronald Howe, the military police officer.
Alaina Koepple, the survivor."

The MP? I thought he -- oh well, two out of three is enough to set bloodthirsty marines on you.

WHO DONE IT?

I swear, I stripped out of MP armor so fast and started sprinting through the halls towards my office in SECONDS. Marines glanced around and some followed me for a bit, but I outran them and got away before they could properly ID me.

Once in my office, I realized that though I was dressed as a plain liaison, I'd still been wearing the MP's ID, basically confirming my guilt. After cursing myself for being a total amateur, I ripped the ID off and rushed into my office, glancing around.

Calm down. Priorities, said Halinder's conscience.

I rushed, regardless, over to the morgue and stole the squad medic's body from earlier. No one ever goes around there, so it was easy as hell to drag him into the maintenance tunnel behind t-comms and start the transfer of a disguise.

AMATEUR, I yelled internally, whispered externally, YOU ALREADY TOOK THIS GUY'S ID EARLIER AND LEFT IT BEHIND SOMEWHERE ELSE.

No use for that, then. Marines still swarmed the ship, the alien threat mostly taken care of with a few stragglers, but no one could find me. I ran to the cargo crate that held my clipboard, pulled it off, then started burning papers.

The complete report of events, however, that one I slipped into my satchel while the rest burned. I slipped into my office through maintenance, shoved a balaclava on, hid my ID in my satchel, and decided right then and there.

"Unknown" is enough to get me to the brig. There, the riot armor and M41A of the MP. Then?

THEN IT'S A BLOODBATH

Someone copy-pasted EVERYTHING from around this point. You can find it here: http://pastebin.com/uQf4GVra

Too many marines, too many problems. After retrieving the armor and gun, I had to hide in the 3-tile long maintenance tunnel around the crew quarters. M.O.T.H.E.R. was respectfully requesting a taste of my blood. Admins, I guess, had decided that I needed to go. Every alien was dead. They delayed the round just for me -- how heartwarming.

"Arrest him," Command ordered. "Shoot first, clone later," marines demanded.

And so it was that when Joey opened the maintenance door, myself beginning a long speech, he unloaded on my ass. Thank god for riot armor, because I made my way to the bridge while spraying rounds down the hall just as the M41A rifle in my hand beeped obnoxiously, signalling how fucked I was.

I enter the bridge with two or three marines in tow, spraying bullets but missing and hitting walls. There's my target, right in front of me -- John Marauder, the XO.

He realizes what's going on a little too late. As his hand goes around his rifle, the other gets my last anesthetic's autoinjector. I steal his rifle and unload onto his body, then fire my last deagle rounds into a marine who's been firing into my riot armor the whole time. To the very back of the bridge I go.

A guy with a shotgun tries to get me. Another loops around the consoles a little too late, their friend getting gunned down with the last shots of my M41A. I pick up the shotgun that they fired last minute, pump it, then try to point blank Marauder's battered body on my way out of the bridge.

It's unloaded, but at least I smack the guy with it.

Unfortunately, I look at my exit to see that around five to seven more marines have showed up. I don't even know where they've come from, and the only name I recognize is Xiphos Volund through the ensuing events. Marines spray rounds into me, but I look at my health and see I'm still in green -- not 100, but green.

Probably the 13 pieces of assorted shotgun, rifle, and SMG shrapnel in my body.

I almost make it out, too! As I'm rushing out the doors into that hallway between the Captain and XO quarters, though, one marine smartens up.

They shoot me in the foot with a shotgun from 2 tiles away, ripping my whole leg off.

I back up against a wall as the marines surround me. Volund yells to halt. I shoot him three times in the leg with my VP70, before the marines collectively decide to shoot, beat, and stab me to pieces, like something out of Red Dead Redemption.

GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE

As marines are maiming my body, I remark that the world is cruel. Not because I've been mercilessly slaughtered by a platoon of marines that I may or may not have saved by influencing the Acting Commander to hold the FOB, but because admins have revived me.

I deliver a curt line that turns this Red Dead Redemption scene into something from terminator. A joking marine yells that I've hacked the matrix.

Yes, that fits.

As marines decide who gets to beat me to death again, there's one thing left to do.

A short, simple adminhelp message.

"Can I get a minibomb, please?"




THE ONLY THING I REGRET: Not being able to burn the Complete Report of Events paper that I left in my leather satchel.

[crono23]

Greatest CM story I've ever seen so far.

As the survivor that round I might as well give my side of the events as well. Presented in not-as-awesome format because it's 4 AM, I need sleep, and I'm not usually a very extravagant person.

Round starts. I had my preferences set to Doctor, but I end up a survivor in secure storage. Oh well might as well do this.

I grab a nearby tool box and attempt to hack my way into one of the locked rooms. After several failed attempts, with me nearly dying due to powerful electric shocks, I decide to stop due to the fact that my right hand is described as "peeling away" and down an entire bottle and a half of Uncle Git's from a working Booze-o-Mat (alchohol works as a nice makeshift painkiller).

After stumbling around like an idiot, and almost becoming blind when I tried to remove several wall panels to get into the room, I stop for a moment, jaw open as I realize one of the doors WASN'T locked, and that I could've gone through it all this time.

Bit too late now, I pass out a few more times, before hearing the blast of C4 and going to meet my saviours. Stumble back to the blast door controls and open them for the kind marines. CL is there to greet me despite being put off by my pools of vomit, and we both head up on the droppod, myself still remaining drunk and half-blind.

I'm sent to medbay, doctors treat me up real nice with no need for surgery, and we both head down to the CL's office to write my report of the events. I spent 10 minutes making what is basically the plot of Aliens (at least the reason why the Xenomorphs are there), and after 10 minutes (briefly stopping to get the implant and have a few pictures taken of me for file) do I finally finish the report and hand it off to the CL.

CL spends a few minutes fabricating a false one, and after cringing at the result I begin to ask what the hell it is before he tells me to not ask questions and simply sign it. I do so. He whispers to me that the fabrication was for good reason, and that the one thing I should do is act like the fabricated report is true. Simple enough. Faced with nothing else to do, I head over to requisitions in search of a job, per CL's request, but the most I manage to do is stamp the manifest of a ammo crate while a impatient marine is taking powerpacks from it.

By this time Command has caught wind of the CL's "report" and are understandably suspicious. The CL drags me aside and reminds me not to tell them anything before a MP forcibly drags me there. Command is waiting, and will have none of me trying in vain to assert that the "report" is truth.

Command keeps me there for a while and attempts to interrogate me, without success. Pissed off by now, they order the MP to take me to the brig where I will remain there for the rest of the time. Or at least I would if I didn't attempt to escape not once, but twice. Neither getting much farther then the ladders. At the end of the second attempt, the MP cuffs me and is ordered to bring me back to the bridge. I spot the CL along the way and frantically attempt to get his attention (although the method used to do so was - in hindsight - rather stupid) to no avail.

The XO is furious by now, as I still tell him nothing, though I am beginning to cave under the pressure. With no other way to make me squeal, the XO and his lackeys start discussing torture techniques (most notably bone breaking and waterboarding) before I finally decide to talk, knowing that my own life is more important. The XO begins to listen in earnest, before we are interrupted by the sweet sound of the Xeno Queen hitching a ride on the Rasputin. The XO is unfortunately not put off by this, and presses me to talk.

So I do. I tell him everything up until the part where the infected colonist chestbursted, before the XO spouts bullshit about me leading his marines into a trap. I frantically attempt to tell him that such delusions are absolutely stupid, but by this time he is livid, and will have none of it. He insists that I was responsible for the deaths of dozens of marines as well as something else about me being in on Wey-Yu's "scheme" of sorts, but I defend myself saying I wanted none of it, and even said that I originally planned on telling the marines about the creatures before the CL told me not too. It's too late now. The Sulaco has been boarded.

The XO, somewhat satisfied orders the MPs to take me away. The CL comes in disguise, and I attempt to resist before he assures that it is, in fact the CL, and tells me I'll be sent home. I am somewhat skeptical, but by now I am just happy that there is some hope. I ask:

"Really?"

He responds:

"Enjoy your trip Alaina."

With that he pulls out his Deagle.

Fires once.

It misses.

Fires twice.

My skull shatters.

Fires one last shot.

My head is torn clean off.

[Wesmas]

Two posts above, what I dream of doing as CL. What actualy happens for me is no reply from admins, so I sit in my room for 90 minutes before going into cryo because boredom.

[ZDashe]

Yea, I was the doctor that treated Alaina in that round. The MP escorted Alaina to medbay, and I attended to her. Full body scans showed that she had moderate eye and liver damage, and was on the verge of going blind. I passed her my ready-made Peridaxon pills and told her to take two of it, and stay in medbay for observation until full recovery. Shortly after, she was ready to be discharged, when the Commander, Ava Grimes, personally came into medbay looking for the survivor. At that point, I had a gut feeling that this survivor was somewhat a VIP, enough for the CO to leave his post and come visit her in person.

I urged them to take their business elsewhere, but the Commander suspiciously brought Alaina into my Operating Theatre 1, while I was readying the room for surgery.. Then I got chased out. I reluctantly did so because it's the CO anyway. The MP just stationed outside like a bouncer, and I had to leave them alone. Later, even the CL came visiting, and that hinted that something suspicious might be going on.

Too bad that was all I was involved in amidst this massive plot. Overall, many of the players involved RPed excellently. I wish there were more rounds like that!

[Edgelord]

-snip-[/i]

Fucking top tier. If you don't get into the Hall of Victory I'm going to be salty.

[ShortTemperedLeprechaun]

Agreed. Halinder deserves another spot in the hall for that CL round. That's what all of us who play CL dream of doing, corporate espionage, bullshittery, and antagonizing the crew.

[forwardslashN]

The survivor the marines were supposed to rescue from the prison ended up walking right into the alien wing wang invasion force, while still infected. There were no human survivors.

[Gentlefood]

The survivor the marines were supposed to rescue from the prison ended up walking right into the alien wing wang invasion force, while still infected. There were no human survivors.

Actually that was three random captured marines who escaped. I know because I was one of them.

[forwardslashN]

Actually that was three random captured marines who escaped. I know because I was one of them.

Really? Someone must have dragged his mutilated corpse from the hive to the landing zone or something. What was weird is seeing him alive in the hive, infected, while all of the other survivors long burst.

[Sargeantmuffinman]

A debriefing in the bridge is what the XO tells us....



But disaster strikes as the enemy steals our dropship.

And soon we rush to the scene of the hangar but were quickly dispatched to fall back to the bridge for one final last stand.



A foolish mistake for my opinion but none the less we held but at what cost?
The lives of those who stayed outside to fight?
The ones trapped in a cell of doom?
Or was it the cost of the pizza we ordered?
None the less,it was not an honourable way to die,to cower behind a wall,to shoot from ones bunker.
And yet,despite our efforts,we failed to see one more moment where our escape could have been our saviour but we would never know the outcome of this disaster.

[forwardslashN]

[Halinder]

Thanks to Jes for screencapping this.