Permaban Appeal - DrumstickJones

[drumstickjones]

Your Byond ID:
Drumstickjones

Character Name:
Baldies

Type Of Ban (Job-ban, Timed Ban, Permaban):
Permaban

Admin who banned you (if known):
Unknown

Total Ban Duration:
Forever

Remaining Duration:
The rest of my life

What other servers do you play on?
Aurora

Are you now or have you been banned on any servers? Which ones?
None

Reason for ban (If you have a Permaban, it should be the EXACT MESSAGE YOU GET WHEN YOU LOGIN with the Error code that looks like this: X##XXX##. If you do not provide this EXACTLY you can't be unbanned):
Banned by host: D24SEP17 - ERP... Fucking... seriously?

Link to previous appeals for the same ban (if applicable):
None

Your appeal, including evidence (screenshots, etc):

My appeal as follows

"You probably deserved it"

I ABSOLUTELY deserved it, and I don't actually expect it to be appealed. If that's the case, take this appeal as an apology instead.

To set the scene for my ban, i was a new player, not even a month into the game. Its been a while since this happened, so my memory is a little fuzzy on the events, but as i remember them, we were in line for equipment, when there was a bit of pushing with another character i can't remember the name of. A fight broke out, and me being new to the game and with an incomplete understanding of mechanics, i wound up shooting the guy I was fighting. I was arrested, and I think i was let go due to it being an accident. I was then sitting in a briefing. It was taking awhile to start, and my character was getting impatient, and i started ribbing another character. I THINK the guy i got into it with before started talking shit, and we got into it again. Him and the guy i was ribbing approached me in full view of everyone in briefing including command, and started kicking my ass. I defended myself, and when MP arrived, everyone in the room told the MP that it was ME who started the fight, including command, and as I was arrested, there was applause from the room. This left me INCREDIBLY frustrated. I began shit talking the MP in looc, but at this point it was nothing too serious, just calling him an idiot etc.

Cut to my release, and i'm entering the shuttle. I'm making vague threats to the guy that hit me in briefing over squad radio, and i actually found him in the return shuttle, severely hurt. I grabbed him and drug him off, with the intent to find a concealed area to stab him to death. After we passed medbay, he called for help, and MP arrived. I was arrested for kidnapping, and jailed again.

Here is where i did what i did to get me banned. While in jail, i began shit talking the MP in looc, but saying some very uncalled for, cringe worthy things. Calling him a neckbeard, alluding to his virginity while telling him Im happily married, pointing out hes probably alone, inadequate, etc.

I never act like this anywhere else online or IRL. I can't tell you why i did it, and as the conversation suggests, I myself was going through a very stressful time in my life financially, etc. I had a lot of external frustration, and the in game frustration just compounded and made me "snap", and I said some very immature things, and that's just what i remember.

Being new to the game, I assumed I could just get a vpn and bypass the ban, and attempted to do so, which obviously didn't work. After this, i moved on to another server, and after a day or two, was calm enough to reexamine what i did.

It was obvious to me that I had some issues i needed to resolve with myself. Being a dad of 4 kids, and my character in general, i have a tenancy to "swallow it and move on", not dealing with stress in life in a healthy way, and building up these feelings until i snap, not in dangerous ways, because I have so much responsibility on my shoulders, but in unhealthy ways. I was saddened to realize that it took a game like SS13 to force me to confront myself, but at the same time I was impressed that a game with a culture like this could do such a thing. This really got me thinking, and I resolved myself to use this game as a way to improve myself IRL. On the other server i now play (aurora) i have approached the game with the intent to not only have fun, but monitor my feelings and behavior, notice when im upset or frustrated or angry, and examine those feelings, then deal with them appropriately. Its a journey, not a destination, and i feel that after a hard, internal struggle, I've made some great progress with myself.

It is because of this that im back, and made this unban appeal. Its my personal belief that I have grown up and dealt with the internal issues that caused me to be so appalling, and if given another chance, i can say with full confidence that it will never be a problem again. I've grown quite a bit in the time since my ban, as a player and a human being, and would like the opportunity to prove this to myself and the server at large.

I would like to thank the moderator that had to spank a grown man like a child and send me to a corner to think about what i did, because that's exactly what i did, and you were a crucial part of my journey to self improvement. If you had not acted, there's no telling how long I would have flown under the radar, and who I would have hurt along the way.

To the player I harassed, if you are reading this, I want to extend my sincerest apologies. I remember saying some very cancerous, and depending on what your situation is in life, potentially DANGEROUS things to you. My actions were extremely deplorable. While Im proud that I have grown as a person, it saddens me to know that I did it at your expense. Please understand that I myself was and still am a very deeply flawed person, its not an excuse, its an admission of guilt and acceptance. I hope that my actions were not as consequential as the could of potentially been.

Its my hope that I am given a second chance to join your community, but if that's not the case, I completely understand. To anyone else who may be reading this, know that we are all flawed to various degrees, and there is opportunity to grow as a person everywhere, i found mine in the most unlikely of places.

Thank you for your time

[VitorThauma]

Just one note:
Banned by X|Duration: 10080 minutes|Reason: Breaking ERP rule as well as being a dick to others. A permanent ban request is being filed on the forums. by (X) on Sun, September 24th of 2017

[slc97]

It's a pretty hard sell to say that you grew out if being this person in less than 3 months.

[07:05:56]SAY: Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : Whats it like to have no dick game
[06:58:24]SAY: Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : Do what you need to do so you can grease up your tiny little fucking pecker you fat piece of shit
[07:09:23]OOC: (LOCAL) Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : zero dick game
[07:10:06]SAY: Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : Jacking your tiny ass dick to some pictures and video
[07:11:04]OOC: (LOCAL) Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : im going to go fuck my wife while im in here
[07:11:13]OOC: (LOCAL) Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : you enjoy your hentai body pillow
[07:11:51]OOC: (LOCAL) Hoagie Warren/DrumstickJones : your girlfriend is attached to your right arm

[apophis775]

Wow...

[Emeraldblood]

As great of a person as those logs make you seem, I think I'll have to say you're going to need some more time before we even consider lifting this. If you can play on a different server and have them say you haven't been causing problems, that would help improve your case a lot for the future.

[drumstickjones]

Look.

Those logs are terrible, cringy, copypasta worthy on level of Rick and Morty/Top of my class bullshit. When they were just posted, my face flushed in embarrassment. I couldn't even read them, I had to skim.

Those logs are not representative of who I am as a person. Ive NEVER been that guy, and I don't fully understand why I chose to be that guy, that day, that moment, for something that trivial.

I didn't want to mention this in my original post, because it felt gross to do so. But my character has been understandably questioned, so i feel the need to do so. I was going through A LOT that month. Im an uneducated 27 year old father of 4, with no trade, trying to scrap a living together. We have been struggling financially after a move to a new state, because we were living in the dallas ghetto and my daughter was in actual danger at the school she went to. I had just been turned down for a very important, very decent paying job that was critical for my family, despite me having temped at the factory for 9 months and having overwhelming support from factory employees. A few weeks before, my grandma called me, and told me that she found out my little brother was dead. I haven't seen him in 15 or so years. He was released from the navy, and got in a fatal car wreck in California on his way home. He was buried in Kenedale Tx a month before I found out about his death. I found out that my grandpa (on my mothers side) had recently died as well, and his funeral was going to be right down the road from my house. I had a feeling that my mother, who im estranged from, would be there, so i snuck in. My mom, and my two sisters were there, I BARELY recognized them, I've been estranged from my family since I was 15, were all there, and I barely recognized them. I spoke to my mom privately, and after giving her my contact information, told her I had reconnected with my fathers side of the family, who I haven't seen since I was 8. She disowned me on the spot, and I left. I haven't heard from any of them since.

You take all of that, wrap it up, and cram it into a 27 year old financially struggling father of four who's been dealing with clinical depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, and you get the man that made those logs. I was barely keeping my head above the surface. I was waiting for my family to go to sleep, grabbing pillows, and screaming into them. I was having nightmares about my little brother. I was having uncomfortable conversations with bill collectors. I was struggling with my oldest daughter, who was and still is slightly behind on school because of a shit school system. I was and still am working insane overtime hours, on top of my 12 hour shifts, to get my family out of the red. I was working a part time second job as a handy man at a thrift store. I was going through a strain in my marriage as a result of all of this.

I had recently discovered SS13, and LOVED it. I struggle with finding things I can enjoy, i lose interest in hobbies VERY quickly. SS13 captured my attention, and gave me an escape from reality that I desperately needed. Because of my hectic life, my play time was HEAVILY limited, and being jailed and taunted repeatedly just bounced around in my then volatile brain, and my state of mind just inflated this seemingly inconsequential thing to anyone else into the injustice that broke my back, and I just fucking snapped. I wanted to throw as much vitriol at this stranger, at this pixel on a screen that wasn't human but forgetting that somewhere out there, on the other side of the screen, there WAS a human, innocent or troll, who was innocent, who didn't hurt me, and didn't deserve anything I said.

Three months doesn't seem like long enough for someone who regularly acts like that to get his shit together, and I agree with you. The difference here is that's not my regular behavior. Not even close. That was a man under fire, drowning in emotion and depression, screaming into a digital pillow.

None of this in my eyes excuses my behavior. If everyone feels that I should go and stay go, Ill completely understand. But I am beginning to forge relationships in this other server I play, I could never have anyone find out i did something this embarrassing, and if they ever did, i would probably leave and never talk to anyone again. Im extremely anti social, i have exactly zero IRL friends, and not due to behavior those logs would suggest, im just quiet and have a hard time connecting with people. It would kill me if, in order to prove im no longer a problem, my server had to be contacted, and someone being an ass decided to spread the word around, and I had to leave in shame.

My word and my transparency is all i have to prove im not that guy. I could mention my warnings, they are all small potatoes issues, i took an ID off of an SSD to use a mining machine once, another time i blew an oxy-phoron bomb someone else made at round end thinking it wouldn't be an issue, and recently I underestimated the power of a nitro bomb I made as antag and blew up a decent chunk of the station. I have no warnings about OOC or LOOC behavior, no breaking the don't be a dick rule, nothing. I could give you a cap of my warnings when I get home.

I can assure the moderators and admins of this server with 100% full confidence that the behavior I exhibited before will NEVER be an issue again. IF i were to be reinstated, i would be willing to do so with a clause in place that if I EVER break the "don't be a dick" rule again, i would receive a permanent ban that I could never appeal.

[Emeraldblood]

Props for at least putting some effort into your appeal. Most people are just like, "Unban me, please." When you were banned, being you mentioned copypasta, was it because of some stupid copy pasta thing or related to the logs above?

[drumstickjones]

No i was banned for conduct that those logs were a sample of. When I say copy pasta, I say that those logs are so cringy they could become copy pasta, like needing a high IQ to like rick and morty.

[Emeraldblood]

ERP is something we stay strict about, and for good reasons. While you do seem generally apologetic about what you did, you still were being a massive dick at the time and really pushing into ERP. How long had you been playing on the server before you got banned?

[apophis775]

You seem to be actually sincere in your appeal. Normally, as it's ERP related we would immediately auto-deny it, but we will investigate and look into this a bit further before we reach a decision.

[drumstickjones]

I really appreciate you guys giving me a chance in spite of the crude behavior i displayed.

I don't remember the exact times, but i know i was relatively new to the server, and SS13 period, when this happened. Less than a month, i would say two weeks around about.

As a further note, this would be the closest i've ever come on any server to any sort of ERP play, outside of participating in community jokes about such, i've never received any warnings etc about ERP.

Full disclosure, I recently received my first Antag ban a day or two ago, for failure to escalate conflict. Its a three day ban from antag, and i've taken steps to improve my gameplay by posting a feedback thread in my main servers forum.

[slc97]

Okay, since I was the first one to rail on you in this thread, I'm gonna come in here and say this. I understand you. I'm not in deep financial shit and I'm not married with kids. However, I work in a field where I've seen the absolute darkest depths of human fucking depravity. I had a 3 month period of time where I could not go to sleep without waking up in a cold sweat from night terrors at least 4 times a week. I drank even more than I normally to try and fix it, but that didn't do shit for me.

I can understand how all of that shit can pile up and momentarily make you someone you're not because it's happened to me before. The way I see it, either you're lying to us, and you've put far more effort to this appeal than honest appellates do, or you're being honest with us. Normally I don't give a shit about people's so stories, but I think I actually believe yours.

It's not up to me to lift this, but I'll put in all the words I can to get you a second chance. Understand though that a second chance is a final chance. If you fuck up again, you'll have burned any Bridges you've got.

[drumstickjones]

This means a lot to me, more than you know. I can imagine the sort of people mods would have to deal with on occasion, and understand how those logs would group me with them, and it's important to me that I can make the distinction. I wasn't going to go in depth with the things i was dealing with at the time of my original appeal, partly because i don't talk about things like this with anyone. No one, even my wife, knows how bad my brothers death affected me, and part because i didn't want it to come off like a "poor me" sob story. The only reason i brought any of it up was that I felt the need to express that i'm nothing like the guy those logs portray, and just give an idea of the extreme duress i was under during that moment of my life. There were reasons for the way i acted, it doesn't excuse me personally, but it's hard to read those logs and not feel the need to defend your character, and speak up and explain yourself. When i'm not pushing the needle in the red stress wise, i'm actually a very quiet, very introverted, polite person. It really means the world to me that you can understand where i'm coming from and can even relate, because not everyone could, and it's really hard to express that you are nothing like the poor choices you made at one point would paint you to be. Speaking to a crew that deals with appeals, it's only natural that staff have a healthy skepticism of a strangers word after the fact. Like i said, i'm more than willing to come back with a "screw up again and it's over" warning, its just something i never do and never plan on doing again.

Second chance or no, your message means the world to me, and i really appreciate you reaching out and letting me know you can relate.

[apophis775]

We'll give you another chance.

But don't ruin it. I can literally count on one hand the number of times we've lifted ERP related Permabans (outside the recent WGW ones) in our 2 years.