(Note 2: Please keep in mind that this dossier was made specifically for some of my RPs on Discord... I only posted this new dossier and the prison story here because the rest of my character's stuff is also on the forums, and thought I may as well share what I'm working on. Thanks.)
(Note 3: Special thank you to everyone who RPed with me. Especially to the one player who RPed the story that would end with my character's death. The story we wrote together was incredible, and I had tons of fun. You were the person with the most appropriate character to bring Mya's story to a close, and the way we crafted the narrative together was amazing. You gave me more than enough reason to happily hand my character's life over.
Though Mya Miller's chapter in the CM saga has come to a close, she will still be available to RP. This is only her 'true ending'.)
CLF Dossier
CLF Maintenance Technician, Mya Miller
Status: Deceased
"I didn't think to consider that some might call me a traitor. I'm not. I'm just someone that's moved on... not that I ever gave a fuck about what others think." - Mya Miller"While in the face of the enemy, beaten and battered, Mya Miller's silence was defeaning. When the proper time came to speak, her actions did the talking for her. As Mya Miller awaited death at the hands of the USCM, her lips uttered not a word, not a sound. In that silent vigil, disguised as an act of resistance, Mya Miller had said a message for the Colonial Liberation Front with perfect clarity: The CLF will not be routed. The CLF will never falter. For the sake of ridding the Tychon's Rift sector of the presence of the United Americas, we won't ever surrender. Rest in peace, Mya Miller."
Personal Information
► Show Spoiler
Maiden Name: Mya Kamryn
Married Name: Mya Miller (Remarried: Mya Steelberg)
Marital Status: Married
Date of Birth: July 23rd
Age: 31 (35 by the time of her death)
Gender: Female
Height: 5'7
Weight: 130 lbs
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Blue
Skin Color: Caramel
Body Type: Average, toned
Blood Type: B
Drug Allergies: None
Place of Birth: Distrito Nacional, Dominican Republic
Ethnicity: Mulatto
Personal Items: None
Rank: N/A
Military Status: Court-martialed from the U.S.C.M. Currently serving the Colonial Liberation Front, in the Tychon's Rift sector. Deceased. Killed by USCM forces while on a planetary expedition in the Tychon's Rift sector.
► Show Spoiler
She comes from the Dominican Republic on Earth, that much we know. I spoke with her briefly, told me about an attack the CLF conducted on some prison station. I don't know if who she saw were CLF, or some random mercenaries that wanted to snag some gear, and maybe sell a few inmates off and make a quick buck. Kept talking about how we're her "saviors" and that we answered her "calling". Mya's mental state is a little concerning at times, to say the least, but that's only from first impressions. I haven't heard any trouble from her after interrogations. In fact, she seems very committed to assisting the Liberation Front, which I find commendable that someone who would've been an enemy, had it been any other case, desires to become an ally without hesitation. I still have suspicions, naturally.
From what Mya told me, she's experienced in engineering and police work. We definitely have uses for someone like her. Our electrical equipment, among other things, isn't going to repair itself, after all. I'll make sure to have someone monitor her, whenever she conducts her work. If she's needed for combat, she is to be treated as a standard soldier. Give her some armor, and a cheap rifle or something. We can't afford to be handing out some of our better gear like candy. Otherwise we'll have a worse weapons shortage on our hands.
A few months have passed. No issues came up. Assign her appropriate equipment. Log the stuff we're giving her, so we know who has what.
...
Mya Miller served the Colonial Liberation Front well.
The CLF will always recognize your efforts, as you drove forth the goals of the Liberation Front with honor and valor. Know that the CLF's struggle does not end with you, and that we will not let your sacrifice be in vain. The United Americas will be driven out of the Tychon's Rift sector, and we won't ever stop until either they're gone, or we're driven out.
Godspeed.
See you on the other side.
From what Mya told me, she's experienced in engineering and police work. We definitely have uses for someone like her. Our electrical equipment, among other things, isn't going to repair itself, after all. I'll make sure to have someone monitor her, whenever she conducts her work. If she's needed for combat, she is to be treated as a standard soldier. Give her some armor, and a cheap rifle or something. We can't afford to be handing out some of our better gear like candy. Otherwise we'll have a worse weapons shortage on our hands.
A few months have passed. No issues came up. Assign her appropriate equipment. Log the stuff we're giving her, so we know who has what.
...
Mya Miller served the Colonial Liberation Front well.
The CLF will always recognize your efforts, as you drove forth the goals of the Liberation Front with honor and valor. Know that the CLF's struggle does not end with you, and that we will not let your sacrifice be in vain. The United Americas will be driven out of the Tychon's Rift sector, and we won't ever stop until either they're gone, or we're driven out.
Godspeed.
See you on the other side.
► Show Spoiler
I doubt this will happen considering her enthusiasm to work with us, but if she starts messing around, take her equipment away immediately, and if she resists, kill her on the spot, and then remove the gear from the corpse. We can't trust her. Not yet.
...
Mya Miller's equipment was lost while on the field on an operation.
...
Mya Miller's equipment was lost while on the field on an operation.
- Armored Militia Cowl, Colonial Militia Hauberk
- MAR-30 Battle Carbine, x3 MAR Magazines
- Lightweight Combat Pack, Toolbelt, Gas mask, x1 Emergency Oxygen Tank, Electronics Pouch & Lights Pouch
- x2 Pork MREs
► Show Spoiler
Mya Miller was one of nine CLF sent on a planetary expedition in the Tychon's Rift sector.
The crew's mission was simple: After achieving atmospheric entry, scout the designated uninhabited planet which could prove useful to the CLF, as a possible outpost location.
While the expedition was underway, we received word via comms that the shuttle carrying the expedition members, had come under attack by a USCM spacecraft. Communications were severed shortly after, so there isn't much to go off of. What's speculated is that the expedition shuttle sustained critical damage, and was forced to breach the atmosphere of the planet, in a desperate attempt to escape enemy fire. A scout was sent out to search for the remains of what was left of the shuttle, based on the area of where the final transponder signal was received. Nothing was uncovered. Not even the bodies, which are most likely hidden deep beneath layers of snow.
We suspect that there is more to this than meets the eye. There is something underneath the surface that we aren't seeing. Preparations for a second scout to be deployed will commence soon. We'll see if we can't uncover the truth, yet. We need to know what happened to our expeditionary crew.
...
We finally found it.
The second scout revealed an abandoned USCM base, covered in snow. No wonder we couldn't find it the first time. A team of six were dispatched to search for equipment we might be able to salvage. They had orders to search for evidence as well, so we can put to rest the mysterious disappearance of our expedition crew. What the men found, was security cam video footage. Some parts are in bad condition from being covered in frost for so long, but we succeeded in saving most of it.
What was revealed, was damning.
Roll the footage.
The crew's mission was simple: After achieving atmospheric entry, scout the designated uninhabited planet which could prove useful to the CLF, as a possible outpost location.
While the expedition was underway, we received word via comms that the shuttle carrying the expedition members, had come under attack by a USCM spacecraft. Communications were severed shortly after, so there isn't much to go off of. What's speculated is that the expedition shuttle sustained critical damage, and was forced to breach the atmosphere of the planet, in a desperate attempt to escape enemy fire. A scout was sent out to search for the remains of what was left of the shuttle, based on the area of where the final transponder signal was received. Nothing was uncovered. Not even the bodies, which are most likely hidden deep beneath layers of snow.
We suspect that there is more to this than meets the eye. There is something underneath the surface that we aren't seeing. Preparations for a second scout to be deployed will commence soon. We'll see if we can't uncover the truth, yet. We need to know what happened to our expeditionary crew.
...
We finally found it.
The second scout revealed an abandoned USCM base, covered in snow. No wonder we couldn't find it the first time. A team of six were dispatched to search for equipment we might be able to salvage. They had orders to search for evidence as well, so we can put to rest the mysterious disappearance of our expedition crew. What the men found, was security cam video footage. Some parts are in bad condition from being covered in frost for so long, but we succeeded in saving most of it.
What was revealed, was damning.
Roll the footage.
► Show Spoiler
...//REWIND.
...//PLAY.
A gasmask wearing soldier, in full combat gear, sprints for the door leading out. She grabs a shotgun, and kicks the door open. Two CLF expedition members come into view. Pilot Kyle, and Maintenance Technician Mya. Both are injured. Mya more so, as she is assisted by the pilot of the presumably downed expeditionary spacecraft.
"FREEZE, SHITHEADS! ON THE GROUND, EAT THE DIRT!" the masked soldier yells, shotgun aimed at Kyle. Mya is pushed off frame by the pilot, who reaches for his pistol and takes aim. Before he can fire a bullet, the masked soldier fires first, blowing Kyle away. The pilot is killed instantly.
The masked soldier goes off frame for a moment, before coming back into view, dragging Mya by the collar of her jumpsuit. Mya's condition is clearer now, as she is pulled into the building in better view of the cameras. The engineer is bleeding from the forehead, blood forcing her to close one of her eyes. Her skin is pale, and her ears are extremely red, likely due to overexposure from the frigid temperatures of the outdoors. She is screaming, but she does not struggle. Or rather, is not able to, for it appears she suffered from both dislocated and fractured bones, in the shuttle crash. This conclusion can be made due to the way her body is easily moved and manipulated, like a toy doll, as she is dragged by the masked soldier.
Mya is seated on a couch and has her injuries sterilized and gauzed by the masked soldier. Beside Mya, is another member of the expedition, the co-pilot of the expeditionary shuttle. The soldier removes the gasmask from their face. The soldier is a woman. Blonde. The blonde soldier speaks into her radio.
"Yup. Yeah, yup, hello. This is [CORRUPTED]...Yeah. Uh, one of them tried to point a pistol at me. Uh-huh. I was already pointing a shotgun at him...yeah, he's the fertilizer outside the hut."
"Yup. Just come in I guess. I'll start making some coffee. You guys will probably need it at this rate."
The soldier goes off frame to get coffee for arriving USCM soldiers, presumably. The blonde soldier then returns, bringing Mya food and water. The two stare at each other. Mya is seen with her mouth agape, as if she is in surprise by who the soldier is. Mya says something, but what she says is inaudible. The soldier promptly exits the room.
...//FAST FORWARD.
Hours later, the soldier returns. She is wearing casual clothing. A military police officer arrives and removes the CLF co-pilot from the room. He is taken off frame, and never seen again. He is presumed dead. Mya, who had been staring at a wall for the entirety of the time she had been left handcuffed, is now alone with the blonde soldier.
"So...uh...why'd he aim the gun?"
The soldier stares at the wall with Mya. It appears the soldier is at a loss for words. It is suspected that by their awkward interactions with each other, that both Mya and the soldier know each other. Mya does not answer the soldier's question. The soldier leans against the couch Mya is sitting on. The blonde lights a cigar and takes a long drag from it. For awhile, the soldier blows smoke, leaving only silence between the two, before the soldier speaks again:
"You know. We just got told you died. I dunno what happened man." The soldier takes another drag of her cigar. "It's probably for the best you abandoned the corps. Well, clearly not. Given that you're uh, you might be on a one way trip to volt-city...but hey."
"I heard electrical death isn't so bad." The soldier coughs awkwardly. A ship of some sort is heard departing in the background.
"They'll probably pick you up this morning, the uh. The officers. Get you some medical treatment. Then, well...uh. You know how it goes from there. It isn't pretty, I'd imagine." The soldier goes on.
"You know. If you didn't get yourself in this mess, you didn't abandon all your friends, didn't let anyone of us know. I would've offered to put a chair in the shower for you, but, well. Hey. I'd expect nothing else from someone who left to join the CLF."
Throughout this encounter, Mya does not reply to the soldier at all. Tears are seen streaming down her face.
The soldier nods, then leans forward. "You know. I find it silly. Baffling actually. What did he think to accomplish? The more I think about it, y'know? Like..." The soldier pauses for a moment, coughing.
"Lets say he did shoot me. Yeah? Okay. Wonderful, great guy. Saved the damsel in distress. Saved the bad princess from the woman press ganged into service...What was a pistol supposed to do, right?" The soldier stirs, then stops speaking for a minute. Mya does not respond. Abruptly, the soldier picks Mya up from under the arms, and with ease, Mya is hauled off to another part of the building where there are no cameras. The frame jumps to the camera facing the front door of the building and remains there while Mya and the soldier are off frame. There is only audio of the interaction that wasn't captured on footage. The soldier is heard speaking to Mya:
"You know, I think it was about after a year when we accepted you'd been killed. I mean, that's the only thing we'd of guessed. Corps never tells anyone when they get discharged, or whatever. You were just gone out of the blue. Never to be seen again. I actually remember how many times you'd arrested me aboard the Almayer. Then, I remember you just being gone. Strange, that." There is a pause before the soldier speaks again.
"No point in talking much, I guess. I'll get used to it eventually. You left out of the blue, and you'll do it again soon. I wonder if they gave you enough time, if you'd defect to the UPP. I wouldn't be surprised. I bet if the situation was different, it would be your little friend out there, sitting where I am. Waiting for you to get executed by your friendly CLF advisors...or something like that." The soldier growls.
[CORRUPTED]
"Sister, it'll be the last you get. I'm afraid they don't afford terrorists much luxuries up on the Almayer. I'm sure you know what I mean."
Mya remains silent.
The soldier speaks.
"I can tell you're in pain. It's horrible to watch. I can't stand it." Footsteps are heard walking away.
...//FAST FORWARD.
"You're going to be scheduled for an execution in a week. That week will have several days of cryo sleep, surgery, and your last rites. I don't think you want to spend much longer in this world. I can feel it. Something tells me your soul has just been ripped out of your body. You're just a walking abomination at this point. You're nothing like the woman I remembered, nor will you ever be like her again."
Silence.
"I can extend your existence into nothing, as it were, without anymore pain. The ones you loved on the Almayer will not know... ...You'll fade into nothingness, just like you did before. Or would you prefer to be known once more, as a traitor fit for nothing more but contempt? ...Would you prefer to be shamed by all those you knew on the Almayer? Or do you want to let the snow pile over you, until you are gone?"
Silence.
The stomping of boots is heard, the sound coming closer to the door facing cam before Mya and the soldier suddenly reappear on frame. The soldier is in full combat gear, gasmask covering her face, just like at the start of the footage. Mya is being held by the throat. The soldier opens the front door of the building. A blizzard is raging outside. Kyle's lifeless body enters the frame for a split second, laying in the snow in the dead of night. With a powerful throw, Mya is tossed onto the snow, too, beside the deceased CLF pilot, Kyle.
The soldier reaches for her shotgun.
The door swings once on its hinges.
The soldier uses her boot to roll Mya over onto her back. Mya stares up at the soldier.
The door swings on its hinges.
The soldier gives Mya a stiff salute. Mya closes her eyes.
The door swings on its hinges for the last time, obscuring Mya and the blonde from the view of the camera.
"Le Seigneur vous prend, mon cher. Que la paix soit avec vous."
A shotgun blast marks the end of the security footage.
...//STOP.
► Show Spoiler
We had given Mya a barren room to do as she pleased with. It had hardwood desk with a medium sized bookcase on top, a spare rolling chair we had lying around, and a mattress with one set of bedsheets. Mya's clothes are on top of the bookcase. She didn't have many things to wear. What stands out is her prison uniform. There is a welding mask and a welding torch in the corner of the room, stacked on top of about ten sheets of metal. Looks like she had been in the middle of making something. There isn't much else, as she took most of her equipment when she departed on the doomed expedition. Though, there was one thing we found during our search of her room. In the drawer of her desk, was a small pocket journal. We decided to look through its contents, after we cleared the room out of Mya's belongings.
------------------------------ -- MYA'S JOURNAL -- ------------------------------
Got my hands on this neat little journal. It's got a hot pink cover, and can you believe that it's got illustrations of white fluffy sheep on the back? Fuck yeah. It's like I've downgraded from my phone, with my polka-dot cupcake phone case, and gone back to the fucking renaissance era with pens and shit. Well, at least it's still customized, just the way I like. I swear to God I won't let anyone else see me writing in this. Really just going to be using this to jot down how my days are going, because so many things have happened to me, that I think I finally want to keep track.
More importantly, I'm finally out of prison. I decided to join up with the CLF. It's not like the USCM would've given a shit anyways. My parents never stopped by either while I was behind bars, so fuck them, too. I went through Hell just to be free again, and every single day I wake up to struggle living, I'm going to mention it in this journal. I need to dedicate myself to this.
I can tell some of these CLF guys don't trust me, by how they look at me.
I can't say I blame them.
------------------------------
Most people are starting to get used to me being around here, at least after I tell them about how I was holed up in a USCM prison. They really feel for me, and honestly, it kind of brings a tear to my eye. They understand the struggle I went through. They've been fighting the USCM for who knows how long. Of course they'd understand.
Besides, we all share a shit ton of different stories.
Of who we are.
Of where we come from.
And how we got here
We're not so unalike as I had first thought.
------------------------------
I've been doing maintenance work around the place. A lot of the cool stuff like the vending machines are so messed up, they launch shit at people! Jesus Christ, I almost thought I was back on the Almayer. All I'm missing are people screaming at me over comms, telling me to do my job. Then it'd really be like the Almayer.
Tomorrow I'm going to be led around the place with some actually competent engineers. I guess this place really isn't like the Almayer after all. We're going to be inspecting the base fortifications for any weakened walls and such. It'll be our job to reinforce structures if they look like they're in bad shape.
Also, I finally got a room. I don't have to share a room with Kyle anymore, thank God. The rooms are way too fucking cramped to be sharing them. The boys told me an engineer used to have this room. When I asked what happened to that person, they say he just up and vanished one day. Never came back. Spooky shit, but I feel like they're just trying to pull my fucking leg or something with this bullshit story. Whatever. I've got a lot of work to do, and other kind of things to think about.
------------------------------
Some young little fucking kid has been taking my pork MREs. I think I'm going to piss in one and leave it out for that little bitch. We'll see how that fucker likes the taste of that.
------------------------------
I've been feeling so fucking sick lately. Bled this evening, too. I think something's wrong with me...
------------------------------
It's been a couple of years since I last wrote in this journal.
I've been doing so many things that it's hard to keep track of the time anymore. I'll just go over things quick. I've settled in, made friends, gone out for target practice, Hell, I've even visited other planets in the sector. It's been like a vacation. But... I kind of feel bad, sometimes. I think it's because I'm homesick. I'm missing the Dominican heat, the smell of the shitty people-run buses, the salty waters of Boca Chica, the pretty beaches of Puerto Plata. I miss being around people that look like me. Didn't realize how much I'd want to be with my dark skinned peeps back in the Dominican Republic.
But I know everything will be fine because
I gave birth!
I never thought about how happy it'd make me to write that. Holy Hell, the pain was fucking unbearable. I should've been paying more attention, but there were so many things going through my head, and so much stressing me out, that I didn't realize why I was hurting so much! Least not until the damn kid was nearly halfway out of me. I just dropped right over while I was rewiring some circuitry. Everybody thought I'd gotten shocked! Oh my God. I started screaming because I thought I was dying. I'm such an idiot. I should've already been familiar with how it felt, but I guess you really just can't prepare for something like birth.
I'm going to be staying in my room for a few days to rest.
All that's on my mind right now, is how this is so similar to when I gave birth to my daughter. While in prison. I couldn't fucking believe that it'd happened then, and I still can't fucking believe it now. I had to spend what felt like years in the medical wing. Had to make sure to eat and stay hydrated. I felt weaker than I had ever been in my life. Now it's happening all over again.
Both times at points where being weak isn't something I wanted to be...
I'm better than this.
------------------------------
I cried last night.
I tried not to think about him, but I couldn't keep him out of my head.
It must be because he's got the face of his father. My sweet little baby boy.
I thought back to the time when we first met. It was at a bar, in the city. We didn't realize we were soldiers serving on the same ship, until we started to get to know each other better. I hated him sooo fucking much at the start. I was going to try and steal his wallet when he got piss drunk, but never got to. Instead I was the one that got fucked up drinking, so everything else that happened that night, was one big blur. Next thing I know and we were sleeping together at a hotel. Those were probably the most fun moments of my life. The dude bought me dark chocolates and shit, actually cared about me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have booked a room for me, after I passed the fuck out. Thank God he was around, because I didn't have a place to stay. It wasn't the Dominican Republic. I was out there in that popular American place, the one I always hear about in all of the Western movies from the United Americas: New York City!
All that stuff about buying me chocolate came later, after we got into one big argument. He told me he was going to kick me out of the room, but he checked out the room for us both, so how the fuck was he gonna' kick me out? Easy, a-fucking-pprently! He kept the keys to the room, the dick. Back then, I was like, fuck it, and just left anyways. I didn't have the patience for him. I went out and bought lots of shit that day with my earnings, but I felt lonely, walking around that big city all by myself... In the end, I ended up going back to that hotel and apologizing to him. For being so rude to him and being a constant cunt. Found the dumbass fucked up beyond imagination, instead. I can still remember the strong ass smell of alcohol when he opened the door.
Call me insane, but this alcoholic asshole was the man I grew attached to.
Yeah, I call him this, I call him that, but I'm writing about him now.
Missing him.
God damn it, I want to see him. I want to see my daughter, too.
I'm going to take today off. I'll let my lead know. I want to try and spend some time with my man today.
------------------------------
There are so many things I wish I could have: Peace of mind, and some more time to relax with my son and daughter, and the father of my children. There are a lot of things on my mind, and It's just so painful. I want. I want so badly to have so many things in my life again, like my mom, my dad, my friends in the USCM. But they're so out of my reach. It's unbearable. I don't want to say I made a mistake in joining the CLF, because I've made many beautiful moments here, and new friends, but...
No.
I can't regret anything now. I've come too far for that.
There's no going back.
I'm going to start my new life here, with my children, and my big stupid fucking drunk idiot of a sweetheart, Ryan.
------------------------------
My team leader just dropped by. Told me to get ready. We're going on an a "trip" he said. Hoping I'll get to hear more details than just that it's a "trip." I'll pick up where I left off when I get back. Thinking I'll fix something up with some metal sheets I got. It'll be like a memento for my man. 'Sorry my guy, but this stack of metal's all I got. When I decide on what to make, I'll trade it for some dark chocolate.' I better remember to tell that to him!
Damn, I'm starting to run out of pages. Have to remember that I need to ask around for another one of these pocket journals.
I'll be back soon, Ryan. Wait for me. Then we'll spend time together with the kids again. Like always.
------------------------------
------------------------------ -- MYA'S JOURNAL -- ------------------------------
Got my hands on this neat little journal. It's got a hot pink cover, and can you believe that it's got illustrations of white fluffy sheep on the back? Fuck yeah. It's like I've downgraded from my phone, with my polka-dot cupcake phone case, and gone back to the fucking renaissance era with pens and shit. Well, at least it's still customized, just the way I like. I swear to God I won't let anyone else see me writing in this. Really just going to be using this to jot down how my days are going, because so many things have happened to me, that I think I finally want to keep track.
More importantly, I'm finally out of prison. I decided to join up with the CLF. It's not like the USCM would've given a shit anyways. My parents never stopped by either while I was behind bars, so fuck them, too. I went through Hell just to be free again, and every single day I wake up to struggle living, I'm going to mention it in this journal. I need to dedicate myself to this.
I can tell some of these CLF guys don't trust me, by how they look at me.
I can't say I blame them.
------------------------------
Most people are starting to get used to me being around here, at least after I tell them about how I was holed up in a USCM prison. They really feel for me, and honestly, it kind of brings a tear to my eye. They understand the struggle I went through. They've been fighting the USCM for who knows how long. Of course they'd understand.
Besides, we all share a shit ton of different stories.
Of who we are.
Of where we come from.
And how we got here
We're not so unalike as I had first thought.
------------------------------
I've been doing maintenance work around the place. A lot of the cool stuff like the vending machines are so messed up, they launch shit at people! Jesus Christ, I almost thought I was back on the Almayer. All I'm missing are people screaming at me over comms, telling me to do my job. Then it'd really be like the Almayer.
Tomorrow I'm going to be led around the place with some actually competent engineers. I guess this place really isn't like the Almayer after all. We're going to be inspecting the base fortifications for any weakened walls and such. It'll be our job to reinforce structures if they look like they're in bad shape.
Also, I finally got a room. I don't have to share a room with Kyle anymore, thank God. The rooms are way too fucking cramped to be sharing them. The boys told me an engineer used to have this room. When I asked what happened to that person, they say he just up and vanished one day. Never came back. Spooky shit, but I feel like they're just trying to pull my fucking leg or something with this bullshit story. Whatever. I've got a lot of work to do, and other kind of things to think about.
------------------------------
Some young little fucking kid has been taking my pork MREs. I think I'm going to piss in one and leave it out for that little bitch. We'll see how that fucker likes the taste of that.
------------------------------
I've been feeling so fucking sick lately. Bled this evening, too. I think something's wrong with me...
------------------------------
It's been a couple of years since I last wrote in this journal.
I've been doing so many things that it's hard to keep track of the time anymore. I'll just go over things quick. I've settled in, made friends, gone out for target practice, Hell, I've even visited other planets in the sector. It's been like a vacation. But... I kind of feel bad, sometimes. I think it's because I'm homesick. I'm missing the Dominican heat, the smell of the shitty people-run buses, the salty waters of Boca Chica, the pretty beaches of Puerto Plata. I miss being around people that look like me. Didn't realize how much I'd want to be with my dark skinned peeps back in the Dominican Republic.
But I know everything will be fine because
I gave birth!
I never thought about how happy it'd make me to write that. Holy Hell, the pain was fucking unbearable. I should've been paying more attention, but there were so many things going through my head, and so much stressing me out, that I didn't realize why I was hurting so much! Least not until the damn kid was nearly halfway out of me. I just dropped right over while I was rewiring some circuitry. Everybody thought I'd gotten shocked! Oh my God. I started screaming because I thought I was dying. I'm such an idiot. I should've already been familiar with how it felt, but I guess you really just can't prepare for something like birth.
I'm going to be staying in my room for a few days to rest.
All that's on my mind right now, is how this is so similar to when I gave birth to my daughter. While in prison. I couldn't fucking believe that it'd happened then, and I still can't fucking believe it now. I had to spend what felt like years in the medical wing. Had to make sure to eat and stay hydrated. I felt weaker than I had ever been in my life. Now it's happening all over again.
Both times at points where being weak isn't something I wanted to be...
I'm better than this.
------------------------------
I cried last night.
I tried not to think about him, but I couldn't keep him out of my head.
It must be because he's got the face of his father. My sweet little baby boy.
I thought back to the time when we first met. It was at a bar, in the city. We didn't realize we were soldiers serving on the same ship, until we started to get to know each other better. I hated him sooo fucking much at the start. I was going to try and steal his wallet when he got piss drunk, but never got to. Instead I was the one that got fucked up drinking, so everything else that happened that night, was one big blur. Next thing I know and we were sleeping together at a hotel. Those were probably the most fun moments of my life. The dude bought me dark chocolates and shit, actually cared about me. If he didn't, he wouldn't have booked a room for me, after I passed the fuck out. Thank God he was around, because I didn't have a place to stay. It wasn't the Dominican Republic. I was out there in that popular American place, the one I always hear about in all of the Western movies from the United Americas: New York City!
All that stuff about buying me chocolate came later, after we got into one big argument. He told me he was going to kick me out of the room, but he checked out the room for us both, so how the fuck was he gonna' kick me out? Easy, a-fucking-pprently! He kept the keys to the room, the dick. Back then, I was like, fuck it, and just left anyways. I didn't have the patience for him. I went out and bought lots of shit that day with my earnings, but I felt lonely, walking around that big city all by myself... In the end, I ended up going back to that hotel and apologizing to him. For being so rude to him and being a constant cunt. Found the dumbass fucked up beyond imagination, instead. I can still remember the strong ass smell of alcohol when he opened the door.
Call me insane, but this alcoholic asshole was the man I grew attached to.
Yeah, I call him this, I call him that, but I'm writing about him now.
Missing him.
God damn it, I want to see him. I want to see my daughter, too.
I'm going to take today off. I'll let my lead know. I want to try and spend some time with my man today.
------------------------------
There are so many things I wish I could have: Peace of mind, and some more time to relax with my son and daughter, and the father of my children. There are a lot of things on my mind, and It's just so painful. I want. I want so badly to have so many things in my life again, like my mom, my dad, my friends in the USCM. But they're so out of my reach. It's unbearable. I don't want to say I made a mistake in joining the CLF, because I've made many beautiful moments here, and new friends, but...
No.
I can't regret anything now. I've come too far for that.
There's no going back.
I'm going to start my new life here, with my children, and my big stupid fucking drunk idiot of a sweetheart, Ryan.
------------------------------
My team leader just dropped by. Told me to get ready. We're going on an a "trip" he said. Hoping I'll get to hear more details than just that it's a "trip." I'll pick up where I left off when I get back. Thinking I'll fix something up with some metal sheets I got. It'll be like a memento for my man. 'Sorry my guy, but this stack of metal's all I got. When I decide on what to make, I'll trade it for some dark chocolate.' I better remember to tell that to him!
Damn, I'm starting to run out of pages. Have to remember that I need to ask around for another one of these pocket journals.
I'll be back soon, Ryan. Wait for me. Then we'll spend time together with the kids again. Like always.
------------------------------
Good idea.
