So let's say you have a character that you decided to make, who's only purpose is to be a complete dick to the rest of the characters on board the Sulaco, INCLUDING the Command staff because God knows you don't give a fuck, you asshole. Well, you've come to the right place. Welcome to: "Guide to Being An Asshole."
We'll be going over the following steps to make sure you know how to be the most hardcore motherfucker on the USCM roster. This isn't the marine's pocket handbook on how to be a little BITCH, so if you came here to be a whiny little FUCKBOY then you came to the wrong guide.
Now before we begin, you might be wondering: "What is an asshole?" well don't worry you impatient little shit. Before you can become an asshole, you must first know what an asshole actually is.
Straight from Google so you fucking know it's a fact. Also, just a heads up but we'll only be going over the metaphorical definition of asshole for this guide. Anyway, now that that's all out of the way. Let's get into the meat of this shit. Step Number OneActually Being An Asshole
I'm going to list various scenarios and the appropriate asshole response to said scenarios. The thing about being an annoying little shit is that you actually have to know how to be an annoying little shit. So here we go, make sure to take your fucking notes.
Scenario
Someone dropped soap at the beginning of the shift and now people are slipping all over the place.
Response
You better get on your fucking radio hella' quick, because if it's one thing an asshole is, it's being a snitch and calling people out. Depending on what job you spawned in as, you should already have access to a headset. Immediately call that soap slipping bitch out.
Scenario
You're waiting in the RO line and someone keeps trying to cut in front of you.
Response
First of all, get your shit off help intent because fuck no you don't take shit from anyone, holy shit no, set your intent to disarm and shove that little fucking prick down and tell them to sit the fuck down. If the MPs show up, which they probably will if they aren't already supervising the RO line, play the victim card because you're an asshole and getting away scott free from situations is one of the best ways to getting people angry at you. Fuck those guys.
Step Number TwoLearning When To Be An Asshole
Surprisingly, learning when to be an asshole is also key in learning how to be an asshole. Yeah, there's a lot more depth to this than you initially thought, right? The fuck you mean no? Get out of this guide right now. Now for those of you who agreed... Yes, if you're going to be a dick, you have to know when to be a dick. I have mentioned this twice in this section already, and I'm going to keep repeating it. Let's actually get down to what this part of the guide is all about which is just the following piece of advice:
Nobody likes a cunt who constantly shouts bullshit over comms. If you're being an asshole twenty-four/seven then you have surpassed the boundaries of pleasant asshattery and entered the realm of the absolute cunt lord who needs to shut the fuck up. There's a major difference between having your character be an asshole in-game, to being a general disturbance and eye sore to everyone's fuckin' day.
Step Number ThreeBeing A Lowkey Asshole
There's a secret technique known as being a lowkey asshole that we'll go over this guide. Once you have mastered this art, you will be the biggest fucking unlikable dickhead around.
1. Make fun of people, AKA; The Bait
Find someone to make fun of, and pester them. Not every five seconds, leave like a span of four minutes or seven depending on what they say. If they say something stupid as fuck, get on their case, which segways us into our next step.
2. Escalation, AKA; Reeling It In
If someone takes the bait and responds to your bullshit nonsense ridiculing, then you have successfully accomplished the first step. Once they have probably said some rude remark about your bitch ass for being a dick face, you continue and start escalating shit. If the person instigates a fight with you, decline because you don't fight pussies. You have to learn to be an elegant asshole, and one thing about being an elegant asshole is that your bitch ass can't fight worth shit you little fucking bitch. Hide behind doors the person trying to beat your ass has no access to and laugh in their fucking face and talk shit because that's all you can really do. Unless you're robust as fuck, whereupon you're no longer an asshole but a savage lunatic who needs to be put in a jail cell. The fuck is wrong with you?
3. Attention, AKA; The Catch
Shit has gotten so intense that your fucking stupid arguing and remarks with the other person has earned the attention of the rest of the crew listening to your fucking hella' stupid shit spewing over comms. People who weren't even the target of your bait are now flipping their shit and are now making side comments about how much of a handsome/beautiful asshole you are. Continue as needed, but if you really want to raise the stakes and be an ultimate asshole, read the following step below.
4. Asshole Status, AKA; The Reward
Do everything in your fucking power to make the person's life a living, breathing hell. Damage the person's work space, punch them, shove them down, slip them using soap, become the little fucking nuisance you've ever wanted to be and watch the target of your intentions lose their shit. At this point, you have graduated at the top of your class as the valedictorian asshole magna cum laude, and everyone, or at least the person you targeted, probably wants you DEAD, but assholes don't get dead, only stupid people who make bad decisions get dead, and that's obviously not you, so your ass better stay alive. Unfortunately, this guide wont be covering the "How to Keep Your Ass Alive" section, so too fucking bad.
Step Number FourThe Pros & Cons Of Being An Asshole
Pros:
Only some people like your shit.
Scratch that, only a few people like your shit.
No one likes your shit.
Cons:
Everyone hates your shit.
Everyone is wary of your shit.
The doctors will give you the wrong meds.
The doctors will "fuck up" your surgery.
Nobody wants you within a 3 tile radius of them.
Nobody is going to save your ass from the xenos if you get caught.
The pilot of the Rasputin will tell you to take a fucking space taxi.
The MTs will lie and not fill your flame thrower canisters at all.
You're a fucking blight to humanity.
The CE will ask you to stand on the landing area for either the pod or the shuttle.
Ain't no Predator gonna' duel you, bitch.
The CL will think you're part of the reason the colony was abandoned.
W-Y will regret to inform you that a Death Squad is coming for your ass.
The CT will beat your fucking ass and space you via disposals.
R&D will give you a "super" grenade that wont work.
The BOs will remove you from the ship manifest because they don't fucking want you.
RO doesn't give attachments to bitches like you.
The XO will go planet side just to fucking save themselves from you.
The xenomorphs just flat out kill you on sight.
Someone will "accidentally" shoot you with AP rounds.
Who the fuck hired you?
The MPs will "forget" to let you out of your cell.
You'll be demoted to shit janitor.
The Commander will order your public execution.
Conclusion
You're an asshole.
Notable Public Feedback
Joakim 'Mook Sundberg some meme aka BIG DOG.
Bakuub R'ka some pred.
