The Lost Cemetery - Introduction

[shyshadow]

Analyzing Starcraft's Class.............process complete. Identified as Conestoga Class Transport Vessel, identification request. Null response, assessing situation; attempting to identify credentials.......credentials assessed. Alert, identified as USS Sulaco. Activating cryogenic deployment for staff and command; initialized. Having the best dream, and then all of a sudden. I'm up, because you guessed it. It's time to get up from hyper sleep, the hissing of the cryo-bed always wakes me never knew why. Then I realized, none of the other cryo-beds were activated. It was dark, it was like we were still traveling through deep space. It'd explain why the lights aren't at the brightest setting, I got up from my cryo-bed, hyper sleep never seems to get any better. Got my tags, my ID and my beret. I always wrote my name on things, I put "Odd's, mess with my shit and I'll break you." Placed that on my beret and my other things, gotta make sure no one messes with your things you know? Oh right, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Staff Sergeant Christopher Odd of the United States Colonial Marines, I'm a Squad Leader on this ship. The USS Almayer, and I'm scared for all I know this could be a malfunction. Then before I know it, our android came into the room. Scared me I swear, I heard 3 other cryo-beds hiss before opening, I looked at them, it was the other squad leaders, I recognized them all.

I'll get to them later, apparently our android, their name? It was just Greg, I know right? Anyway spoke it to me saying "Hello Odd, you are required to place on your uniform and head up to the Combat Information Center, it's a matter of urgency I assure you. I must get back to maintaining the ship, we were not meant to be here, however we are." I gave that android a nod and made my way to get my uniform grabbing a protein bar. Jesus do those things taste disgusting. If I'm honest, it's kinda scary walking around these halls with no one around, usually it's bustling with tons of people I guess not this time, it was dark and eerie. As I was heading to the CiC my ear buzzed and I heard the familiar sound of my commander, Commander Reno Story. I don't hate my commander, in fact he's actually a really good guy. I've had a drink with him, once. Damn I say that man can relate.

He's yelling not at me but to the rest of the Squad Leaders to get there on the double, I of course kept walking. I hear footsteps coming up from behind me, boots clamping onto the floor. I turn and it's Ryan Steeleberg, we call him Firebug. Not sure why actually, I'd assume he likes to use the flamethrower. Damn bastard's beard I swear, it gets bigger every time I see him. He might as well be a viking, huh you'd think that'd be his nickname. Anyway I asked him "You know the hell is going on Ryan? This isn't normal." Ryan didn't answer, he just shook his head. We kept on our way to the CiC, we passed by a few MTs and MPs. A few Medical staff as well, though they looked out of it. Must've had a bad sleep or something, anyway. We get to the CiC and like always the commander is smoking a cigar. His SOs look as confused as we do, the two other squad leaders are already there. We respectfully salute our commander, and then liaison walks in. Paper in hand, wearing his brown-suit. Don't get me wrong I like the company, but man that guy looked really pomp and stubborn. Reno looked at the liaison, then began speaking "Alright, I know you're probably confused; however I'm just as confused as all of you, but I've gotten a report from ARES, and apparently only 700 kilometers away, lies the USS Sulaco." I stupidly interrupt the commander by saying "What?! You mean that Sulaco? The one that went missing years ago?!" Reno nods "Yes, that Sulaco, now we've gotten very little info and we're very far from Inner-Rim, so we lack any actual back-up. We're currently preparing to connect with the Sulaco but this is once we've actually reported to USCM High-Command as well as Weyland-Yutani, that's why we have the corporate liaison here. So, Mr. Carson, exactly what do you suppose the correct course of action is to take?"

Carson looked up from his paper, his smug look and smirk. He definitely was confident, in something. As he spoke I felt, uneasy "Well, it's been over 8 years since the dissapearance of this vessel. As you know this was a very large event in not only the USCM's history but the company's as well. I suggest we investigate the vessel as soon as possible, the USCM's job is to protect and serve. So it'd only make sense that we investigate, however all we know it could be crawling with those UPP, or those Colonial Liberal front."

Commander Reno's expression, it was concerned and I never see him look like he did. He's usually as confident as me, and let me tell you. That gets me worried, I was scared considering Reno was. Reno replied with "Well, that seems about right. However this was not part of our schedule, we're running low on actual firepower. The prep rooms, they're missing a fourth of their munitions. So this may prove difficult if there is an actual threat aboard. A resourceful marine only needs about 4 magazines per operation...however I'm being a realist, and well not all my marines are resourceful." Ryan looked at me, gesturing towards Carson. As I look, Carson quickly placed something into his pocket, he was staring at me as I looked. I thought he was trying to hide something, but I'm not gonna say anything. Reno snaps his finger, I snap back and he's giving a dead eye stare. I remain silent, I feel like I'm swallowing a watermelon. Reno claps his hands together saying "Alright, go get ready, we'll be deploying in about an hour. Get a proper meal, as in your MREs, your men will be coming out of cryo shortly."

I sighed in relief he didn't say anything about me. Reno's a friend, Kinda. Sometimes he lets me off when I do something stupid, but I don't doubt he'll have me executed if I royally fuck up. God I hope he won't though, I didn't notice the XO anywhere. Weird, usually he's standing by the commander at all times. I didn't give it much thought and I headed down to my prep, I placed on my armor and helmet. Gearing up, the color of my armor? Blue, the best squad. Delta Squad, we were the best of the best, complete bad asses. That's what we're told, however we didn't get the called Deltard for no reason, I guess whom ever was in charge of delta squad before me was a complete fuck up. Not me though, I'm not a fuck up, but they still won't let it go no matter how good we deltas actually do. Anyway, I'm already ready so I start heading over to the cafeteria. Grab my favorite MRE, the corn-bread. I know, don't hate me, but I actually like it. I don't know why, it's actually pretty good. Anyway, I start hearing the cryo-beds opening up, the hissing and the many, many foot steps heading towards prep. Like clockwork, I swear. I see some marines looking at me, they of course don't say anything, but they look confused as I'm already ready.

I'm finishing up my corn-bread, I hear some of my own men taking a seat next to me. They all stare at me, I know what they're all about to ask, but I wait for them to ask themselves. Finally my sergeant asks the question, "Sir, are you the fastest marine alive or did you get out of cryo before us?" Of course my 2nd in command asks the question, I swear Duke always had guts, I tell him "Well, you'll learn soon Oddshot, now won't you?" Duke chuckled, saying "Alright, sir. Didn't know you like mysteries, and being so mysterious." We ate at the table, chatting about the usual. Talking shit about each other, I swear. These are probably the best parts being in the corps. We have a our laughs, our moments, I'm not about to name all the marines in my squad, not yet at least. Afterwards, when we're done eating we all made our way to briefing. My boys in blue we're probably the most lively, no matter what the other squads thought they were the best marines a squad leader could ask for.

We took our seats, Duke taking a seat next to me, him being our squad's specialist he was packing a M42A Marksman rifle. We wasn't called Oddshot for nothing, he always had a weird tendency to flick his rifle upwards before taking the shot. Not going to lie, he usually made his mark. We kept talking while we waited for the CO to start briefing, and finally he arrived. His command staff behind him, and still the Executive Officer, no where to be found. The commander's expression was back to his more confident self, and if I'm honest that still worried me.
Reno began to speak into his megaphone "Alright marines, you may be confused right now. I'm here to clear up that confusion, around three hours ago. ARES had intercepted a star-craft, which it began to analyze it's class. It being a Conestoga class vessel, an older class that was a transport vessel for marines. Much like yourselves, ARES hailed the vessel, nothing. It then attempted to find any credentials, considering it was a Conestoga class. It had to be one of our own. Insanely, it was the USS Sulaco." The entire room filled with gasps and holy shits, and other surprised voices. Commander Reno began to speak again "Now, while we have very little knowledge as to why or how the vessel managed to find itself for far in deep space, what we do know. Is that we must board and investigate. You may know that we're coming back from another operation, that ended well; however we used a large supply of our munitions. So be conservative of your ammunition and other supplies. This for all sake and purposes is a recon mission, so I don't want any complaints about not being able to shoot shit. Once we've determined the cause of the disappearance of the Sulaco you will all be extracted from the USS Sulaco. Now, prep for boarding, the umbilical cords will be attached shortly. Dismissed! Your SOs will update you on your objectives."

That was that, we got out of our seats and started to head to the docking area. My squad kept near, following in line like good marines. I gave them a pep talk speaking as they lined up in front of me "Alright Delta, I want this go smooth, no back talking. No moxy, none of your usual behavior, considering the circumstances ladies there could be an actual threat on board the ship. The Sulaco was a colonial marine ship, so whatever managed to make it get here ain't gonna be easy to kill. Now let's get moving!"
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So this is the OOC part. Alright so, considering I don't want to make up a bunch of names and shit. Please give me a name and your character's preferred personality. I'm looking for around 10 marines. This will probably be maybe a 3-5 part story. Also, please give feedback, tell me what you didn't like or did like.

[Helgraf]

Jon 'Houndslayer' Svarlson. He's a bit trigger-happy sometimes, hot-headed, brave, and he can honorable. He likes guns, fire, alcohol, and cigars. He dislikes W-Y, communism, and cowardice. He also tends to charge, is 23 years old, and unless he is a role that requires a new eyepiece (smartgunner, for example), he always wears his sunglasses. He's also 6'6" if I remember right, and he has dirty blonde hair with a full beard. I hope that's enough.

EDIT: I forgot to mention my opinion on the story so far. It seems pretty damn good. That's all.

[Tylaaaaar]

Really good detail and jazz like that. make it into a novel or some shite like that.


feedback:

pros
was good
had delta
good detail
character talks to himself. i can relate.
good story in general.
annnnnd will have a good action sequence.

cons

not enough deltard action
not enough carson


overall pretty good stuff you got there and looking forward to the other 50 or so parts your making to it.


add me pls Roberto 'Drunkard' Conrad. A belligerent drunk with a questionable sense of humor his shot is as far off as can be, its a question. on how he even managed to join the marines without getting booted out within the first 10 mins or so. Either way he loves a good old laugh and taking the piss out of 'sensitive bastards' as he would say things he dislikes consist of brig time and the dreadful line. 'Were all outta booze bud' in other words your average marine.

dun

[Recounted]

Ray Dubi
-hes an asshole
-smokes PREMIUM cigars
-usually packs the 44 and shotgun
-calls the marines boots
-says nani when shit goes down

Your story is pretty good so far, plenty of emotions as far asI can tell from the characters and a bit of humor. Not bad at all keep it up!

[DrPng]

Robert Wilson
- Easily angered, hates when people steals or leaves behind his shit
- Frequently smokes
- Commonly works as a combat engineer
- Speaks with a lisp
- Enjoys drinking and eating
- Commonly has poor judgement of situations or misleading information

[Karmac]

Alright, Garth Pawolski,

He's a jaded 34 year old man with a penchant for construction and destruction, personality-wise he'll swap between the silent type and the determinator, his personal belief is that if a jobs worth doing, it's worth getting it right the first time, despite all this he can still take a joke.

His parents died while he was in his teenage years, the colony he lived at became the target of slavers and by the time a USCM force was deployed to the colony it had already been burned to the ground, his only remaining family member was his 8 yead old sister, whom was visiting a different colony at the time, they haven't seen or spoken to each other since.

His reason for enlisting is fairly obvious given past events.

- Enjoys a good smoke
- Very professional, doesn't joke around much
- Always wanted to retire from the USCM and become a famous chef
- Bit of a sarcastic asshole

[NescauComToddy]

Well, I'll go with my newest and most random character, "Terrance 'DeBlack' Dominicus."

He was born on the outskirts of São Paulo, United Americas. Terrance has been abandoned since the age of seven by his unknown relatives whom he unfortunately never had a chance to find. He had to enlist in the USCM in exchange for his freedom after being suspected of drug trafficking and terrorism as a local UPP force activist at the age of 15. He was adopted, trained and educated by a sergeant who is currently a retired veteran named "James Lewis."

He is a healthy man about six feet tall. He has blue eyes, a long beard, a huge afro hair and loves to drink vodka when he has time available. He is confident and professional when needed, in addition to being about 37 years old. We can say that Dominicus specializes in coordinated and organized attacks. After giving an order to Dominicus, Terrance will not stop until he successfully completes it.

[Kavlo]

Heyo, Lochlann Healy here just make me a basic marine, spec (b18 or Sadar) or Smartgunner.

He's a 27 year old guy from the Emerald Isle, aka Ireland. Not a very quiet person but won't go out of his way to talk to people he hasn't met before, if he thinks his word is needed he'll make sure his word is put in. Sometimes will take fairly simple battle situations seriously even when it's not high-risk such as a building sweep in an area reported to be clear earlier. Brutally honest person, if he thinks the situation is 100% not in his/his team's favor he'll say so but don't get me wrong he's not a moaner/downer he'll still try to keep people's spirits up. He's totally fine with being lazy if the opportunity arises and he's not actually needed. He's not one to leave his comrades behind but he's not stupid, if they were deep in enemy controlled territory bleeding out he'd understand there's not much he can do to help. He likes to be the last one out of a situation but normally he'll leave that to the SSGTs if they want to. He respects the chain of command and marine law but he's up for having a bit of banter and bashing his superiors, within reason such as him insulting his SL and not the CO to their faces.

Not much too interesting about his life before the USCM. Most of it is in the Dossier but TLDR.
Not a rich family. Farmer's son. Oldest of 5 kids. Got in trouble a lot. Father was abusive. Turned his school life around and finished school well. Engineering degree. Helped out his family. Brother dies, Mother depressed, Mother dies. Father angrier. Lochlann moves to America. Ends up joining the USCM mainly because of how he always considered the army but Ireland's army was piss poor and it was hard to find a job in the US and the army seemed like the best choice.

Lastly some likes and dislikes.

Likes: Smoking Cigarettes, drinking (off-duty), slight gambling nothing high stakes, dogs. Reliability. Honesty. Respect. Professionalism (if the situation calls for it). Good Communication.
Dislikes : Drugs. New Marines/Crew. Cats. Weyland Yutani. Abusers. Scouting duty.

Dossier is in my signature if you wanna read more but it is fairly out of date and I gotta fix shit up, history is up to date I believe.

[shyshadow]

Guys, thank you for putting your characters and all that....however criticism on the story is really appreciated. You don't have to put an entire essay, just like. It was good, or it was okay you could've done better. Etc.

[Karmac]

It was good

Hows that

[Kavlo]

I liked it, description was good. Think the characters were done well.

[Skimmy2]

Lovely read, cant wait to see how the story will develop!

You may add my character if needed:
Steve Humason, 27 year old 5'11 ginger who's spent his entire childhood wanting to do some good soldiering. Disciplined individual who craves guidance from his superiors, quick to panic and pessimism of situation, though will hold firm/follow orders if pressured by leadership.

Issued a pair of prescription goggles/glasses for his nearsightedness and carries a lighter in his helmet to play with on deployment. Doesint drink or smoke and has favorable views on Weyland Yutani and their colonial efforts.

[Youbar]

Guys, thank you for putting your characters and all that....however criticism on the story is really appreciated. You don't have to put an entire essay, just like. It was good, or it was okay you could've done better. Etc.

There's a lot of feedback I could give you on your writing, but I'll go over the two key points.

To start with, you have a lot of short, brief sentences, and a lot of that seems to come down to sentence structure and misplaced punctuation. To quote, "Having the best dream, and then all of a sudden. I'm up, because you guessed it. It's time to get up from hyper sleep, the hissing of the cryo-bed always wakes me never knew why." This doesn't read the best. You can understand what is being said, but you have to look back a few times to get the meaning. A lot of this would be easier to interpret if the different sentences were connected properly. "Having the best dream, and then all of a sudden. I'm up," would be one sentence. "Because you guessed it. It's time to get up from hyper sleep," would be another. "The hissing of the cryo-bed always wakes me" would be a third, and "I never knew why" as a fourth. To demonstrate, "I was having the best dream, when all of a sudden, I was up. You guessed it; it was time to get up from hypersleep. The hissing of the cryo-bed always woke me up. I never knew why."

I also feel like your writing could be a bit less direct. It is generic, but "show not tell" is something to live by when it comes to creative stuff like this. Again, to reference your opening, you're telling us quite a lot. You're telling us that you're dreaming, you're telling us that you wake up, and you're telling us that the cryobed always wakes you up. If I were to further refine what you've written, I'd go along the lines of, "I was caught up in a whirlwind of imagery, thoughts dancing through my mind. It seemed to go on perpetually, unceasing, until a faint, familiar hiss sounded out. I was instantly at my feet, looking around me wildly. My new dull, grey, and metallic surroundings were a far cry from what I'd been experiencing only moments before, caught deep in a cryogenic-induced slumber." Of course, your writing doesn't have to be that detailed, but "show not tell" is something to be aware of.

Make of these issues what you will. I don't want to put you off too much, but I think that if you put a lot of effort into this, you'll find it truly rewarding to see how much your writing improves over the next four parts.

---

That aside, if possible, I'd like to add my character to the story. He's called Yamagata Aritomo, a Japanese soldier within the USMC. Many of his mannerisms are similar to that of a traditonalist in 1930s-1940s era Japan, namely having an utmost devotion to the Emperor. His only notable physical characteristic is his ponytail, which is fashioned in a manner similar to other Japanese soldiers at the time. The only real request I have for him is that if he is captured by the enemy, he commits seppuku, or in the case of being caught in a position where most people would surrender, he screams out "Tennoheika Banzai", and charges towards the enemy, whether that's suicide or not.

[shyshadow]

There's a lot of feedback I could give you on your writing, but I'll go over the two key points.

To start with, you have a lot of short, brief sentences, and a lot of that seems to come down to sentence structure and misplaced punctuation. To quote, "Having the best dream, and then all of a sudden. I'm up, because you guessed it. It's time to get up from hyper sleep, the hissing of the cryo-bed always wakes me never knew why." This doesn't read the best. You can understand what is being said, but you have to look back a few times to get the meaning. A lot of this would be easier to interpret if the different sentences were connected properly. "Having the best dream, and then all of a sudden. I'm up," would be one sentence. "Because you guessed it. It's time to get up from hyper sleep," would be another. "The hissing of the cryo-bed always wakes me" would be a third, and "I never knew why" as a fourth. To demonstrate, "I was having the best dream, when all of a sudden, I was up. You guessed it; it was time to get up from hypersleep. The hissing of the cryo-bed always woke me up. I never knew why."

I also feel like your writing could be a bit less direct. It is generic, but "show not tell" is something to live by when it comes to creative stuff like this. Again, to reference your opening, you're telling us quite a lot. You're telling us that you're dreaming, you're telling us that you wake up, and you're telling us that the cryobed always wakes you up. If I were to further refine what you've written, I'd go along the lines of, "I was caught up in a whirlwind of imagery, thoughts dancing through my mind. It seemed to go on perpetually, unceasing, until a faint, familiar hiss sounded out. I was instantly at my feet, looking around me wildly. My new dull, grey, and metallic surroundings were a far cry from what I'd been experiencing only moments before, caught deep in a cryogenic-induced slumber." Of course, your writing doesn't have to be that detailed, but "show not tell" is something to be aware of.

Make of these issues what you will. I don't want to put you off too much, but I think that if you put a lot of effort into this, you'll find it truly rewarding to see how much your writing improves over the next four parts.

---

That aside, if possible, I'd like to add my character to the story. He's called Yamagata Aritomo, a Japanese soldier within the USMC. Many of his mannerisms are similar to that of a traditonalist in 1930s-1940s era Japan, namely having an utmost devotion to the Emperor. His only notable physical characteristic is his ponytail, which is fashioned in a manner similar to other Japanese soldiers at the time. The only real request I have for him is that if he is captured by the enemy, he commits seppuku, or in the case of being caught in a position where most people would surrender, he screams out "Tennoheika Banzai", and charges towards the enemy, whether that's suicide or not.

I do appreciate your effort into writing the criticism for the story, and I know full and well about the point show not tell, it's a very useful tool for imagery and makes it feel smooth and fluid. While of course I don't like completely using straight forward use of writing. The reason as to why I'm writing like this is due to the fact I'm speaking through a marine's eyes. Not some well trained writer, if I'm honest the epilogue to the story is probably him actually talking to someone or him being debriefed there's a lot of ways I can take this story. And yes I'll try with the less direct nature of describing thing. I've created a different short story in the past that was a darker tone, with a lot more indirect use of description or imagery. The Promise You can check it if you'd like. While I agree that this story isn't perfect by any means however I'm only a wee lad so I'm probably not the greatest writer but I try when it comes to grammatical errors and the like. Those published books don't reach shelves without an editor and that's what people like you are helpful for.
The flow of the story is a little hard to do, if I'm honest it was one of those things I could never really do well. I try to make it feel smooth and real but sometimes I look back and I feel like "What?" anyway. I appreciate your feedback. Thanks +1.

[Helgraf]

Just checking up on this, poke poke.

[shyshadow]

Uhhhh, sweating a lot in my room find it hard to concentrate on writing.

[Tylaaaaar]

Uhhhh, sweating a lot in my room find it hard to concentrate on writing.

do it at your own pace and don't die of heatstroke pls

[shyshadow]

Fuck, it's a sausage fest of Delta. Kinda hope we had some "Diversity" whelp gotta make a "ORIGINAL CHARACTER".

[TehSpoderman]

Fuck, it's a sausage fest of Delta. Kinda hope we had some "Diversity" whelp gotta make a "ORIGINAL CHARACTER".

name him Urist McBaldie.

[Kerek]

Aww yee, I am an SL. Don't forget about muh squad and his aggresive temperment when leading a squad.

[XSlayer300]

That's a nice story btw. I have nothing much to say, but I would try to include my OC for a bit.

Name's Daniel 'Exo' Aye. He has a personality trait of being brave, but not overconfident. He knows his risks, and when he dares to fight for his country, he'll do it. He's more on a Patriot side. When there's a situation that is for the best, and that is need of a sacrifice, he would be the man. He's good at one-hand weaponry, aka SMGs and pistols. But he's not really on to the 'rifles' side unless he really needs it. He's not a spray and pray type either. He would prefer the big guns too. His parents are in another country and he was a girlfriend somewhere at a station, he always leaves a note for his girlfriend, Ruth. Whether he dies or not.

Is this OK?

[shyshadow]

Is this OK?

Yes that's a fine piece, usually just need a base premise for a character, and I probably will develop more upon the character maybe add something of my own. You know the usual.

[Whiteflicker]

For 'criticism', I can share a small thing about my writing style.

See, my boyfriend has trouble reading giant blocks of text that cover half the page... So, what i like to do when i write is try to space things out a bit, after I'm done describing a thing, or a scene, or a person, or when the character is speaking. Or even once i get to a period in a paragraph.

This MIGHT not be helpful since you are sort of already doing it and people who read books probably don't care, but in my humble opinion you're not doing it enough.

As a suggestion, you should attempt to separate character spoken sentences from the paragraph so its easier to read, and then continue the description beneath. Hope that's at least a tiny bit helpful.

---

Also! You can use my marine if you want to: Anna Costello, also known as "Pepper".

She is mainly Delta's Combat Medic.

She is a cheerful, optimistic, and rather kind character. Been in delta squad since forever, and confident that they are the best of the best. Perfect faith in the Squad Leader.

She likes to refer to the different squads in fruit names: Alphas are cherries, Bravo are bananas, Charlie are grapes, and Delta are blueberries (the tastiest). Albeit she is a bit on the lazy side and likes quiet assignments where she can go around talking with everyone, and come up with crappy jokes.

She is not alcoholic but happily drinks when offered, and absolutely CANNOT hold her liquor. Also she doesn't smoke and REALLY does not want to, because she promised her parents not to.

She likes blackjack, mainly because a friend taught her how to play it and is the ONLY card game she knows to play correctly.

I have a lot more character info i could give. But i don't really want to restrict you, so if you're taking it you can ask whatever or play them how you want. I don't judge.