Aha'thaan Predator Application

[HR171]

Byond ID: HR171

Marine Name (so we know who you are; if you play alien mostly, state that here): Archie Smith

Name of the character you want whitelisted (The name your predator will use. This must match your in-game predator name): Aha'thaan

Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor? Yes

Character background (An ADEQUATE description and story of your predators background):

Aha’thaan of the Nracha-dta (Aha'thaan's clan) is the fourteenth son of a so called ‘dishonourable one’; a great stain on his Clan’s History.
Many years before his birth, the Nracha-dta was one of the most well-known clans, who boasted an impressive array of great trophies. However, the clan became overly competitive and greedy, so they sought out the greatest prey they could; this led to the ‘Great Dishonour’.
In the clan’s greed they decided that a great prey would be a rival yautja clan (whose name has been lost in the ashes of time), thus a dishonourable hunt on an immense scale began, almost completely destroying the rival clan. But, a grand allegiance of clans brought swift justice to Nracha-dta, who destroyed the Nracha-dta trophy halls and burnt their home world…however the clan was given mercy; a few clan members who were not directly linked to the ‘great dishonour’ were allowed to live, but they were made outcasts.

Ever since, the clan has been making up for the stain on its once proud history, this has led to the clan’s unblooded and youngbloods being very direct in their hunting methods (as they want to redeem the clan’s honour as quickly as possible), and as such many of them eschew cloaks and stealth in favour of overwhelming weaponry, and charging at their prey.
Aha’thaan, however, has always watched from afar and ,while his fellow youngbloods charged into the hunting pyramids, he watched and carefully stalked his prey taunting it so it followed him to an area that was favourable to Aha’thaan’s fighting style…he was the first of his brothers to become blooded. Now - as with all of his clan’s blooded after their Chiva- he has been sent on a hunt with strict orders to not return without an honourable and great trophy to add to his clan’s great hall …and that is exactly what he will do.


How do you intend to play your predator (as in, describe HOW you will act/play your predator)?
At the begging of the round I will stay cloaked and observe, occasionally revealing myself to make my presence known, and so as to scare the prey. Then once I have found prey I deem worthy enough (e.g. a marine who has killed or survived an attack by a xeno), I will stalk it then reveal myself – taunting it – so as to bait it to follow me, then once in an area away from the main fighting on the map, I will de-cloak give the prey a moment or two to prepare then I will pounce and fight.
I’m not sure exactly what weapons I will use, however it will probably be a mix of weapons (as Aha’thaan would use whichever weapons suited a particular hunt).


Why should we whitelist you?
I think that i should be whitelisted because, although i'm not that well known on the server(or so i believe), i'd like to think that i have shown that i can RP and that i am quite active on the server and forums. Moreover, i think i have the patience and self-discipline to play as a predator and not go on some murder-spree. Also, i think that my play style would also have a positive impact on rounds as my elusive presence would creep marines out adding to a creepy atmosphere through out the game and as i would mainly be hunting later on in the game meaning that i wouldn't be removing a player from the game so early on.


Have you been banned from CM in the last month for any reason (we will check, and lies may result in immediate denial)? Nope

Are you currently banned from any other servers and if so, why? I don't believe i am

Are you aware that any player(donner or otherwise) can be removed from the whitelist at any time? Of course

[HR171]

I would like to thank everyone in advance(whether or not this app is accepted) for all feedback you give, as even if i this app isn't accepted i'm sure that all the feedback given will help me re-apply in the future.

Thanks,
HR171

[Kerek]

I just want to start my review off with this, Killing/Murdering a fellow Yautja is the worst possible crimes. A clan, that craves honor and acceptance from the gods, wouldn’t go and slaughter another clan. Just from your backstory, thats what I got.

As for your predator, we know nothing about him at all. We just know his heritage is dishonored and that he and other predators want to redeem their clan.

And your gameplay is very standard, me find marine or xeno, me kill xeno or marine.

Also, I don’t recall your marine. Sorry man, I gotta vote -1 on this.

[HR171]

I just want to start my review off with this, Killing/Murdering a fellow Yautja is the worst possible crimes. A clan, that craves honor and acceptance from the gods, wouldn’t go and slaughter another clan. Just from your backstory, thats what I got.

As for your predator, we know nothing about him at all. We just know his heritage is dishonored and that he and other predators want to redeem their clan.

And your gameplay is very standard, me find marine or xeno, me kill xeno or marine.

Also, I don’t recall your marine. Sorry man, I gotta vote -1 on this.

I know killing/murdering another Yautja is the worst crime, but the whole point is the clan became corrupted by greed and vanity and caused his clan to stray from their holy ways (also i thought this would make the backstory creative and different).
The whole point of my predator is that he wants to redeem his clan, it is what defines him, his life is dedicated to redeeming his clan's honour(it is what he lives for, and I hoped the idea that while his fellow clan mates were over-aggressive and rushed into the fight, Aha'thaan is more of a logical and calculating hunter, studying prey and planning every move of the hunt in advance).
Although, i realise that i should maybe add more details actually pertaining to Aha'thaan, as appose to his heritage.

Thanks for your feedback anyways, it will be really helpful for if i have to re-apply.

[Kerek]

I know killing/murdering another Yautja is the worst crime, but the whole point is the clan became corrupted by greed and vanity and caused his clan to stray from their holy ways (also i thought this would make the backstory creative and different).
The whole point of my predator is that he wants to redeem his clan, it is what defines him, his life is dedicated to redeeming his clan's honour(it is what he lives for, and I hoped the idea that while his fellow clan mates were over-aggressive and rushed into the fight, Aha'thaan is more of a logical and calculating hunter, studying prey and planning every move of the hunt in advance).
Although, i realise that i should maybe add more details actually pertaining to Aha'thaan, as appose to his heritage.

Thanks for your feedback anyways, it will be really helpful for if i have to re-apply.

You still have 15 mins to edit it. Edit it and I will rereview.

[HR171]

You still have 15 mins to edit it. Edit it and I will rereview.

Blast, i forgot i could edit it. Well the timer expired before i could make any edits or improvements. Oh well, i guess what you see is what you've got.

[Kerek]

Blast, i forgot i could edit it. Well the timer expired before i could make any edits or improvements. Oh well, i guess what you see is what you've got.

Darn, well I think you have a good background idea, just in the future make a little more descriptive of a character and I think you’d do great.

[Robotic Potato]

First thing, to me it seems silly almost the entirety of the clan would openly commit the greatest taboo you could think of in yautja society, and openly admit it. I believe the story would be much more believable if perhaps the clan's Elder has been doing it in secret unbeknownst to his clan till the fact finally leaked out. The fact they openly admitted they were going after another clan doesn't make it more dishonorable just simply more dumb in my eyes.

You hadn't wrote much about Aha'thaan them self really in the app it's self aside from he's exactly like everyone else in his clan, wanting to regain honor. The play style is pretty generic, nothing too bad about that just stating it.

Based on all that though I'm gonna have to give you a -1 on my part.

[Renomaki]

I'm no expert on lore, but I believe clan wars are a thing... But hunting their fellow yautja? Rival clan or not, hanging the heads of their own kind upon their walls is very, VERY shameful. The fact that the elders didn't wipe out their clan entirely is... Very light on their punishment.

Also, what do you mean the elders burnt "THEIR" homeworld? Again, no expert, but I'm not sure how far-out predators have spread through the stars. Do they really have colonies on other worlds?

Predators take bad bloods seriously, there would be no survivors left behind.

[HR171]

I'm no expert on lore, but I believe clan wars are a thing... But hunting their fellow yautja? Rival clan or not, hanging the heads of their own kind upon their walls is very, VERY shameful. The fact that the elders didn't wipe out their clan entirely is... Very light on their punishment.

Also, what do you mean the elders burnt "THEIR" homeworld? Again, no expert, but I'm not sure how far-out predators have spread through the stars. Do they really have colonies on other worlds?

Predators take bad bloods seriously, there would be no survivors left behind.

I thought home world/colonies were a thing as in some of the AvP books it mentions them (or perhaps i'm wrong?)

In regards to the whole 'hunting fellow yautja' thing, i was trying to be creative and make the backstory a little more creative. However, i realise that perhaps if it was one or two of the clans elders secretly that might make more sense, because as you said if the whole clan participated in that they would have all been killed.

Well, thanks for your feedback

[HR171]

Darn, well I think you have a good background idea, just in the future make a little more descriptive of a character and I think you’d do great.

Well thanks anyway, your feedback will really help me if i need to reapply.

[emeraldmoonx]

The background story of your clan is interesting and I like it a lot. However, the background story does nothing for your character itself. It only tells me of your clan's dishonor 17 generations ago. It doesn't tell me who your character is, what he's done, nothing.

It's good that you'd be bloodied as some apps say their character would be young blood upon going to the colony. I believe this to be a mistake, as the colony is a small-medium hive with many humans on it. A young-blood would not be able to handle this.

Your playstyle is good, it's really close to my style I've chosen in my app. Primarily cloak, torture the target and attempt to get them separated then have a 1vs1 with them.

Now 2/3 things I've said is good, however, the backstory is the most important part of an application, with the playstyle following. So, thus, I'm giving you a -1.

If you're able to respond to me and give me a reason to +1, then I'll gladly consider it.

[HR171]

The background story of your clan is interesting and I like it a lot. However, the background story does nothing for your character itself. It only tells me of your clan's dishonor 17 generations ago. It doesn't tell me who your character is, what he's done, nothing.

It's good that you'd be bloodied as some apps say their character would be young blood upon going to the colony. I believe this to be a mistake, as the colony is a small-medium hive with many humans on it. A young-blood would not be able to handle this.

Your playstyle is good, it's really close to my style I've chosen in my app. Primarily cloak, torture the target and attempt to get them separated then have a 1vs1 with them.

Now 2/3 things I've said is good, however, the backstory is the most important part of an application, with the playstyle following. So, thus, I'm giving you a -1.

If you're able to respond to me and give me a reason to +1, then I'll gladly consider it.

Yeah, hoped the idea, that his brothers don't really bother with the stalking aspect of the hunt and charge in without really thinking while Aha'thaan takes his time and pre-plans every move of his hunt, would come across. Perhaps i made that aspect too subtle and didn't make the fact that he is very cunning obvious like it should have been. Moreover, i wanted to leave my predator a little mysterious and make it so that he is a bit of a dark horse, but then again maybe i was too vague (this may also be because i wrote alot more but i thought it was too long so i took a big chunk of my backstory out, particularly detailing his Chiva(trial)).
Thanks for all your feedback anyway, it will be really useful for if i have to reapply in three months.

[emeraldmoonx]

Yeah, hoped the idea, that his brothers don't really bother with the stalking aspect of the hunt and charge in without really thinking while Aha'thaan takes his time and pre-plans every move of his hunt, would come across. Perhaps i made that aspect too subtle and didn't make the fact that he is very cunning obvious like it should have been. Moreover, i wanted to leave my predator a little mysterious and make it so that he is a bit of a dark horse, but then again maybe i was too vague (this may also be because i wrote alot more but i thought it was too long so i took a big chunk of my backstory out, particularly detailing his Chiva(trial)).
Thanks for all your feedback anyway, it will be really useful for if i have to reapply in three months.

I understand, but people like details in backstories. Here's my app, not accepted yet but it's getting good ratings. Look at how long the story is.

► Show Spoiler

http://cm-ss13.com/viewtop ... 24&t=15274

It's super long, but I worked on it for over an hour, did lots of research into Yautja. It's not perfect in any way, but I added a story detailing how he got to be bloodied.

Good luck in the future, I think you have potential.

[HR171]

I understand, but people like details in backstories. Here's my app, not accepted yet but it's getting good ratings. Look at how long the story is.

► Show Spoiler

http://cm-ss13.com/viewtop ... 24&t=15274

It's super long, but I worked on it for over an hour, did lots of research into Yautja. It's not perfect in any way, but I added a story detailing how he got to be bloodied.

Good luck in the future, I think you have potential.

Yeah, i did write a big part about my predator becoming blooded but unfortunately it added like an extra 700 words which made it too long(about 1400 words) ( or so i thought as i saw that there have been quite a few apps denied for being too long). I would add the chunk i took out back in if i could, but i suppose ill have to save it for when i reapply(well i mean hopefully i won't have too, but you get what i mean)
Thanks anyway

[shyshadow]

Alright, so first things first. As applications go, this is in the range of a 1-10 it's a 4. In my opinion, it just doesn't get the job done. There is a lot that can be done to improve this application, and as it is right now. It'd be unfair to accept it, me personally it took me 3 attempts to be accepted, and that's a good thing in my opinion. It shows that I obviously can improve and gain my goal. This goes the same for you.

So, the backstory is in my opinion is not the greatest. It's not a brief backstory of "Your" predator, but a lengthy backstory of your clan. Which in my opinion, dumb. While you should be able to just briefly explain your clan's history, it should not take up half of your entire application. It's about your predator, not your clan. Your backstory falls short to being about your predator in that regard. Not only that, but your predator loses my interest when it comes to originality. I very much understand being able to think of something original and new is difficult, but receiving a whitelist is suppose to be difficult. So that excuse doesn't really count in my books. It's the applicant's job to do whatever it takes to become accepted so no matter how difficult it is, if you want it. Work for it.
The issue with the whole "LITERALLY MURDERING AN OPPOSING CLAN" yeah, normal preds don't do this. It doesn't mean it isn't possible, but it'd extremely unlikely. Mostly because I doubt an entire other clan would get destroyed by some fucks that think it'd be a good idea to kill other Yautja in the first place. Nearly all clans can protect themselves from greater threats, I'd assume that for the greater good of the other clan. They wouldn't bother with using melee weapons, as in. They'd probably blast the fuck out of any other clan. This is only assumptions so take this lightly.

Everything else in your backstory is mush in my opinion. It's just filler, it doesn't really add anything. Your predator is extremely standard, and I genuinely believe that being standard isn't bad. But your backstory has to be well made and well executed. Your backstory however is not well made, nor well executed. If you genuinely wish to improve. Double check your work, it never hurts. There are a few grammatical mistakes but I'll excuse those. There are a lot of mistakes made in this application. But don't let that discourage you. There's always improvement.
There's also the lack of actual character, your Predator isn't even directly mentioned. All that's said is that he likes to hunt more patiently rather than aggressively. Wow, jeebers duuude. That's like 50% of other predators, even if it wasn't specified that you'd do that. You're going to do it just because how predators act in the first place. It's boring and just bland.

But, I'm not very familiar with your presence in-game nor on the forums. Though you have a bit of posts, I still have very little to go off of. That doesn't help your case in any way. I hope you improve drastically if you need to reapply or if you reapply at all. -1.

[HR171]

Alright, so first things first. As applications go, this is in the range of a 1-10 it's a 4. In my opinion, it just doesn't get the job done. There is a lot that can be done to improve this application, and as it is right now. It'd be unfair to accept it, me personally it took me 3 attempts to be accepted, and that's a good thing in my opinion. It shows that I obviously can improve and gain my goal. This goes the same for you.

So, the backstory is in my opinion is not the greatest. It's not a brief backstory of "Your" predator, but a lengthy backstory of your clan. Which in my opinion, dumb. While you should be able to just briefly explain your clan's history, it should not take up half of your entire application. It's about your predator, not your clan. Your backstory falls short to being about your predator in that regard. Not only that, but your predator loses my interest when it comes to originality. I very much understand being able to think of something original and new is difficult, but receiving a whitelist is suppose to be difficult. So that excuse doesn't really count in my books. It's the applicant's job to do whatever it takes to become accepted so no matter how difficult it is, if you want it. Work for it.
The issue with the whole "LITERALLY MURDERING AN OPPOSING CLAN" yeah, normal preds don't do this. It doesn't mean it isn't possible, but it'd extremely unlikely. Mostly because I doubt an entire other clan would get destroyed by some fucks that think it'd be a good idea to kill other Yautja in the first place. Nearly all clans can protect themselves from greater threats, I'd assume that for the greater good of the other clan. They wouldn't bother with using melee weapons, as in. They'd probably blast the fuck out of any other clan. This is only assumptions so take this lightly.

Everything else in your backstory is mush in my opinion. It's just filler, it doesn't really add anything. Your predator is extremely standard, and I genuinely believe that being standard isn't bad. But your backstory has to be well made and well executed. Your backstory however is not well made, nor well executed. If you genuinely wish to improve. Double check your work, it never hurts. There are a few grammatical mistakes but I'll excuse those. There are a lot of mistakes made in this application. But don't let that discourage you. There's always improvement.
There's also the lack of actual character, your Predator isn't even directly mentioned. All that's said is that he likes to hunt more patiently rather than aggressively. Wow, jeebers duuude. That's like 50% of other predators, even if it wasn't specified that you'd do that. You're going to do it just because how predators act in the first place. It's boring and just bland.

But, I'm not very familiar with your presence in-game nor on the forums. Though you have a bit of posts, I still have very little to go off of. That doesn't help your case in any way. I hope you improve drastically if you need to reapply or if you reapply at all. -1.

As i have previously mentioned, the whole part of the clan taking up a big chunk of the application is because his clans history is what has defined him as a character, although i do understand where you are coming from and that i should focus more on my predator personally rather than his clan as a whole.
You say "think of something original and new is difficult, but receiving a whitelist is suppose to be difficult. So that excuse doesn't really count in my books" just so you understand, i never said this and i have not used this as an excuse, as i am perfectly aware that it is meant to be challenging which is why i have spent so long drafting, planning and editing this application before i posted it.
Moreover, i am not sure which grammatical mistakes you are referring to but i thank you for looking past them as i think that my application should not be judged over some grammatical issues. However, you have posted a really in-depth critique of my application and i appreciate the time you have evidently put into this as it really will help me improve my application if i need to reapply in three months time(which it looks like i will have to, but no matter)
Thanks

[shyshadow]

You say "think of something original and new is difficult, but receiving a whitelist is suppose to be difficult. So that excuse doesn't really count in my books" just so you understand, i never said this and i have not used this as an excuse, as i am perfectly aware that it is meant to be challenging which is why i have spent so long drafting, planning and editing this application before i posted it.

From experience, a majority of responses is that. So I just preemptively responded. Also, you're welcome. Nice to know people like to take criticism.

[HR171]

From experience, a majority of responses is that. So I just preemptively responded. Also, you're welcome. Nice to know people like to take criticism.

Fair enough, and again your critique will be really helpful so thank you.
But just so you know, you do often come across as rude or abrasive when you are critiquing people's application, so i would advise you not to openly call someone's backstory "dumb" or assume that someone hasn't put a lot of effort or time into it. But regardless, i know that you are trying to help me by critiquing my work, and i really appreciate that.
Thanks

[Feweh]

Denied.

You fucked up the lore