Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

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VortexGaming
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Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by VortexGaming » 29 May 2018, 22:33

Byond ID:VortexGaming

Marine Name (so we know who you are; if you play alien mostly, state that here): Kaitlynn "Maverick" Lawson. Recently though I've been playing Xeno a lot

Name/Designation of the Synth Character you’re requesting to use (Follows common naming rules, and requires a first name with no last name): Alicia
Examples of acceptable names: James, Mason, Xavier, Felix, Otto, Allan, Jessica
Examples of unacceptable names: Obama, Jesus, King, Dragon, Godly, Snyper, Circuits

Are you familiar with the Synthetic Programming and Guidelines (viewtopic.php?f=57&t=14417)?
I am. I've been reading all the guidelines to the whitelist roles as well.

Synthetic Character Story (An ADEQUATE description and story of your Synthetics actions and involvement in a previous mission onboard the Almayer):
Alicia looks like an average white American with blonde wavy hair, she is about 5'7 in height.
► Show Spoiler
How do you intend to play your Synth (as in, describe HOW you will act/play your Synth and what support roles you’ll mainly focus on, what is your synthetics quirk)?
I Intend to be a more nurturing Synthetic who while doesn't really understand much about feelings besides what she was programmed to know, tries to care for marines feelings while doing her job, acting like a mother sometimes.

How familiar are you with support roles? (ie; Medical, MT, Science, SO)
I know most things about each role with probably one or two tips or tricks I can learn.

Medical: I've played it a lot and know how to do the surgeries and heal Marines.
Maintenence: I know how to do all the engineering crap though sometimes I get stumped on some stuff needing to check the wiki.
Command: I've played a lot including XO. I've had to deal with some Meme CO's but I can lead fairly well with the occasional slip-up.
Security: I play this the most out of all the support roles. I love MP though at sometimes it can be boring if all the Marines follow the marine law.
Why should we whitelist you?

I feel when I play this synthetic I would act sort of like a mother, giving advice and emotional support whilst doing the jobs of a synthetic. I don't currently know if another synthetic's already doing something like this but I feel I could bring a good RP experience to CM.

Have you been banned from CM in the last month for any reason (we will check, and lies may result in immediate denial)?
No I have not.

Are you currently banned from any other servers and if so, why?
No, I'm not banned, and haven't been banned from any other server. (Besides CM when I first joined and didn't fully understand the rules)
Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or the Synthetic Programming Guideline?
Yes.
Kaitlynn Lawson The Commander. http://www.cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
Alicia:viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Jakkkk » 30 May 2018, 14:49

You have few forum posts which will throw people off, there are minor grammatical errors, but those are gonna get better over time.

Everything is there for me to give me a +1 however, your quirk is a quirk, your story introduces your synthetic and shows how they are different from an average AI or just another David, and I've seen you IC enough for your claims of being good at the departments to have validity.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by MattAtlas » 04 Jun 2018, 06:44

Decent quirk, the story's good and I've seen you around-- your roleplay isn't too shabby. +1.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by VortexGaming » 08 Jun 2018, 17:15

Thanks for the feedback. I'll continue to bring up my forum activity.
Kaitlynn Lawson The Commander. http://www.cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
Alicia:viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Kavlo » 26 Jun 2018, 02:39

The quirk while similar to others done before is different and hopefully can be done well. The backstory is well written and gives a good amount of information relating to the quirk, history and synth themself.

This application clearly had a lot of effort put into it and it shows.

+1.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Aceluke123 » 08 Jul 2018, 18:12

I like your application overall, I also know you can roleplay and do believe you should probably get this whitelist.

Your story and application seem to have work put into it which I can see your personality quirk simply from reading it.

My only problem is the lack of replies on this app as it has been up for a long period.
Also, you are still active on the server. That is nice to see

Essentially a +1 from me, but more community feedback would be lovely.
Ps. I wish you made the way you formatted the app a bit better, but you only have an hour to do so and can't fix it now.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by z a n e b o t » 08 Jul 2018, 18:17

So I'll go ahead and give this a +1.

The backstory is ok and your quirk can work out very well if you're able to pull it off which I think you'll be able to.

No major issues other than getting your forum presence up and activity ingame.

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by VortexGaming » 14 Jul 2018, 16:51

Aceluke123 wrote:
08 Jul 2018, 18:12
I like your application overall, I also know you can roleplay and do believe you should probably get this whitelist.

Your story and application seem to have work put into it which I can see your personality quirk simply from reading it.

My only problem is the lack of replies on this app as it has been up for a long period.
Also, you are still active on the server. That is nice to see

Essentially a +1 from me, but more community feedback would be lovely.
Ps. I wish you made the way you formatted the app a bit better, but you only have an hour to do so and can't fix it now.
Improve the formatting in which way? the color scheme of the text to make it easier to read, the spacing, the font size? this information would help me in the future.
Kaitlynn Lawson The Commander. http://www.cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
Alicia:viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Sulaboy » 14 Jul 2018, 17:29

For the formatting Luke was probably talking about the font size of the questions.

I enjoyed your story, and could see how you tried to input your knowledge of synthetics into it. I dig your quirk, and your story gives a bit of insight into how it would work ingame which is neat. I also know I've seen you ingame before, and if I recall correctly you should be able to handle this role. +1
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Solarmare » 17 Jul 2018, 02:06

Main issues would be the forum activity and grammar, but the second is one that isn't too much of an issue but is always best improved. It's a quirk close enough to others but can stand out as distinct if you can carry out the motherly sort of act as noted. I'll give this app a +1, I don't think issues would come out of you being a synth with what's been noted by others so far.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Bengalninja » 19 Jul 2018, 17:34

+1 from me. The story is really good, although a bit short IMO. I haven't seen your character around before, although you did mention you have been playing xeno recently. I really like the quirk, could make for some really interesting roleplay. I hope to see this synthetic accepted.

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Tharinoma » 03 Aug 2018, 11:56

Backstory shows you probably won't have any trouble roleplaying like a synth. Good enough for me yes +1.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Omicega » 03 Aug 2018, 12:06

The story is more like a script than a story and honestly it leaves me very doubtful. It's a collection of sentences and broken up line by line, which isn't really so much a stylistic choice so much as just a big mistake from where I'm sitting.

I have doubts about your in-game competency too, to be blunt. Earlier this week you nearly left me unsplinted because you hadn't gotten a handle on what "Bone fractures detected" means on the health analyser. Competency in-game isn't really something that should factor into a whitelist application, to be fair - it's more about the roleplay and character ability - but especially for a synthetic and a mentor one at that, I would be very surprised to have to repeatedly push just to get my chest splinted for something that most medical players learn in their first round.

-1
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by VortexGaming » 04 Aug 2018, 06:47

Omicega wrote:
03 Aug 2018, 12:06
The story is more like a script than a story and honestly, it leaves me very doubtful. It's a collection of sentences and broken up line by line, which isn't really so much a stylistic choice so much as just a big mistake from where I'm sitting.

I have doubts about your in-game competency too, to be blunt. Earlier this week you nearly left me unsplinted because you hadn't gotten a handle on what "Bone fractures detected" means on the health analyzer. Competency in-game isn't really something that should factor into a whitelist application, to be fair - it's more about the roleplay and character ability - but especially for a synthetic and a mentor one at that, I would be very surprised to have to repeatedly push just to get my chest splinted for something that most medical players learn in their first round.

-1
Your opinion is fair, but that round I was playing medic I misread the analyzer. I didn’t notice it said that there were fractures else where. Mistakes do happen even mentors aren’t perfect. It wasn’t not knowing, but more not paying enough attention.

Edit: oh and for the way I made the story? It’s supposed to be like that. From what I learned from my English teacher during a narrative you are supposed to skip a line after dialogues but I know it’s intentional I hope that answers all your doubts
Kaitlynn Lawson The Commander. http://www.cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
Alicia:viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by KingPhilipIII » 06 Aug 2018, 12:40

I have the same concerns Omicega did with regards to your story being more akin to the script since it's mostly just dialogue, but I don't find that a deal breaker personally, considering in-game interactions are dialogue and actual in-game movement, with some 'me' emotes. With regards to your formatting, you are supposed to start a new line whenever someone different starts speaking from whoever was previously doing so, but skipping a line is not needed. On paper that would just create unneeded bloat.

That fact aside, I don't have much of an issue with your application, I like your Synth's quirk and in general you strike me as a competent player from what I've seen of you, nobody is perfect and sometimes people make stupid mistakes so +1.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by ThesoldierLLJK » 06 Aug 2018, 13:01

Everything looks fine to me application wise, I'm not one of these guys who expects a novel, but something that shows you can roleplay which you did.
+1

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Sleepy Retard » 06 Aug 2018, 13:27

Besides Omicega being buttmad as they usually are, the story is OK, the quirk is OK, the grammar is meh, I think everyone has already covered the main concerns, really. I can give a +1.

Now, onto the script thing since truthfully, I have a decent amount of experience with this - next time you write a story, avoid this completely. The content is fine, but beyond a storyboard to express an idea, this is something you really DON'T want to do. I'll be blunt from this part forward, considering this doesn't matter to the application itself, just the formatting. Scripts adopt this way of writing for clarity, you don't need to describe the environment or what the person is doing - they're going to be doing in front of a live audience. As it currently stands, you're leaving out a lot of details for a lot of things - how everything works, and how the reader will paint a picture in their head. As it stands, you incorporate very little details and any picture in the readers head is going to be bland or basic, if they even make one. On top of this, you show very little competency with reader tags, and I actually suspect you wrote it in this style to avoid using them. Now, does this matter to what you're applying for? Nah, not at all - it's done for you, it's not an issue.

Lets look at improving the script format, should you choose to keep using it.
------------
Alicia walks over to the commander "Shall I deploy with DS1 to provide medical and engineering help?"

Commander "Indeed, please don't get too attached to the Marines we need you focusing on the operation."

Alicia "Will do."
Alicia then reaches to straighten the Commanders Beret.

Alicia "All nice and tidy Sweetie."

Commander " Thank you, Alicia. I didn't know it was uneven."

Alicia "You're welcome, I shall be off then."

Commander " Farewell Alicia. Come back safe."

This is messy, and can be fixed up quite easily with a few changes, such as making the NAMES BOLD, actions using italics, removing quotations and instead adding colons after each name, you won't need the quotations in a script format - the colon with the name will do fine, and by adding the starting location at the start. As well, in scripts you add (Emotions) in brackets either before the sentence or after, it matters not - the only thing that matters is you consistently do it the same way. Here is it in practice:
------------
In the briefing room of the U.S.S Almayer, the Commander of the ship is giving briefing to his men. As it finishes up, the Almayer's synthetic unit, Alicia, walks up to the Commander.

ALICIA: Shall I deploy with DS1 to provide medical and engineering help?

COMMANDER: Indeed, please don't get too attached to the Marines we need you focusing on the operation.

ALICIA: Will do.

Alicia reaches to straighten the Commander's Beret.

ALICIA: All nice and tidy, sweetie.

COMMANDER: Thank you, Alicia. I didn't know it was uneven. (Awkwardly)

ALICIA: You're welcome, I shall be off, then.

COMMANDER: Farewell Alicia. Come back safe.
------------

Here is hoping your next written piece improves.
Last edited by Sleepy Retard on 25 Sep 2018, 16:06, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by VortexGaming » 06 Aug 2018, 15:49

El Defaultio wrote:
06 Aug 2018, 13:27
Besides Omicega being buttmad as they usually are, the story is OK, the quirk is OK, the grammar is meh, I think everyone has already covered the main concerns, really.

Now, onto the script thing since truthfully, I have a decent amount of experience with this - next time you write a story, avoid this completely. The content is fine, but beyond a storyboard to express an idea, this is something you really DON'T want to do. I'll be blunt from this part forward, considering this doesn't matter to the application itself, just the formatting. Scripts adopt this way of writing for clarity, you don't need to describe the environment or what the person is doing - they're going to be doing in front of a live audience. As it currently stands, you're leaving out a lot of details for a lot of things - how everything works, and how the reader will paint a picture in their head. As it stands, you incorporate very little details and any picture in the readers head is going to be bland or basic, if they even make one. On top of this, you show very little competency with reader tags, and I actually suspect you wrote it in this style to avoid using them. Now, does this matter to what you're applying for? Nah, not at all - it's done for you, it's not an issue.

Lets look at improving the script format, should you choose to keep using it.
------------
Alicia walks over to the commander "Shall I deploy with DS1 to provide medical and engineering help?"

Commander "Indeed, please don't get too attached to the Marines we need you focusing on the operation."

Alicia "Will do."
Alicia then reaches to straighten the Commanders Beret.

Alicia "All nice and tidy Sweetie."

Commander " Thank you, Alicia. I didn't know it was uneven."

Alicia "You're welcome, I shall be off then."

Commander " Farewell Alicia. Come back safe."

This is messy, and can be fixed up quite easily with a few changes, such as making the NAMES BOLD, actions using italics, removing quotations and instead adding colons after each name, you won't need the quotations in a script format - the colon with the name will do fine, and by adding the starting location at the start. As well, in scripts you add (Emotions) in brackets either before the sentence or after, it matters not - the only thing that matters is you consistently do it the same way. Here is it in practice:
------------
In the briefing room of the U.S.S Almayer, the Commander of the ship is giving briefing to his men. As it finishes up, the Almayer's synthetic unit, Alicia, walks up to the Commander.

ALICIA: Shall I deploy with DS1 to provide medical and engineering help?

COMMANDER: Indeed, please don't get too attached to the Marines we need you focusing on the operation.

ALICIA: Will do.

Alicia reaches to straighten the Commander's Beret.

ALICIA: All nice and tidy, sweetie.

COMMANDER: Thank you, Alicia. I didn't know it was uneven. (Awkwardly)

ALICIA: You're welcome, I shall be off, then.

COMMANDER: Farewell Alicia. Come back safe.
------------

Here is hoping your next written piece improves.

Alright thanks, I see where I need to improve. I especially need to add more emotion to how the characters are feeling during their speech.
Kaitlynn Lawson The Commander. http://www.cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
Alicia:viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Sambalu » 06 Aug 2018, 18:51

Your synthetic's quirk is alright, and you seem to have a solid understanding of how synths would behave, however a major point of criticism is the way you wrote the story. It could use more details, as the "script" approach leaves us readers to fill in most of the blanks. Compared to a more conventional backstory, it's slightly bland in the sense that it's just missing alot of details. Keep this in mind for your next whitelist application. Though I believe that you would have no problems with roleplaying as a synthetic, so I'm going to stay neutral leaning slightly twoards a +1

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Karmac » 07 Aug 2018, 05:49

The backstory leaves a lot to be desired and the way you've written it makes your synth come across more as a robot that just found out humans like hugs and being called 'sweetie' while retaining a very robotic way of conversing in-between these instances. I'm sure everyone's already addressed these concerns however and as long as you manage to appear more human in-game with your actions and conversations I won't have anything to complain about. Going with neutral due to lack of positive points.
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Alky » 12 Aug 2018, 21:17

Eh.... I’ll still give you a +1, but I felt indifferent about what you did even though you introduced marines who did identify you as a synth but didn’t really do much. Your storytelling is nice and tidy, but led to a real lock in what you were doing which didn’t really lead me into imagination.

Still a +1 though so keep it up and get good I guess?

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Ghostdex » 20 Aug 2018, 03:07

This app really doesn't shine to me, the story wasn't enjoyable and the quirk wasn't all that new. You're a pretty alright person so I'm not going to -1 but I am going to go neutral on this.

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Mvp777 » 20 Aug 2018, 08:42

While it reads like a script, which can be a plus or minus depending on the person i don't find it to be an issue. Quirk is different and if done well could make for some interesting RP. All in all a fairly decent application, i'm fairly curious as to how you'd play out this character in-game so i'm going with a +1
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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by SovietKitty » 25 Sep 2018, 15:37

+1, while I believe competency is incredibly important, and Omicega's comment brings up some concerns I think it's an easy mistake to curb.

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Re: Alicia - VortexGames Synthetic App

Post by Emeraldblood » 25 Sep 2018, 17:29

Resolved - Accepted
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