The Marine's Funniest Joke

[WinterClould]

Based on this master work https://youtu.be/ienp4J3pW7U



(Opening Scene: A Delta Extended Bunks. Zoom towards a marine laying in bed. Serious documentary music. The laying figure is writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining his unshaven face.)

Voice Over: This man is Chen Westinton... writer of jokes. In a few moments, he will have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a consequence, he will die... laughing.

(Chen stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the floor.)

Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it and live...

(A couple of Chen's squad mates enter the room. A medic Ritona Sterling confirms him dead, the rest give a little cry of horror and surround his body, weeping. Brokenly his squad leader Anthony Johnson notices the piece of paper in his hand and picks it up and reads it between his sobs. Immediately he breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps three feet into the air, and falls down dead without more ado. The rest then follow suit. Cut to news type shot of the CL standing in front of the house.)

Corporate Liaison Emily Strauss: This morning, shortly after briefing, comedy struck this marine bunk. Sudden... violent... comedy. Military Police have sealed off the area but the death toll is expected to number in the dozens of innocent squadies. The CMP, Jack Knight is with me now.

Chief of the Military Police Jack Knight: I shall enter the bunk and attempt to remove the joke.

(About now a door to the bunk is flung open and the CMO, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies on the floor. The CL and the CMP look up and then continue as if they are used to such sights.)

Chief of the Military Police Jack Knight: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on a Minimoog, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of the Maintenance Department...

(CMP points to a group of dour looking Engineers lead by Chief Engineer Vance Werner standing nearby sad they aren't able to be messing with the ships engines or tcomms right now)

Chief of the Military Police Jack Knight:The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of me reading the joke.

(He gives a signal. The group of Engineers start groaning and chanting biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The CMP squares his shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.)

Corporate Liaison Emily Strauss: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this will surely be remembered as the only courageous and gallant act ever preformed in military police history.

(The CMP suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding the joke aloft. He collapses and dies.)

(Cut to film of marine ships flying through space.)

Voice Over: It was not long before high Command became interested in the military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke was hurried to a meeting of Marine Commanders at the Pentagon.

(Cut to an office door: Soldier on guard comes to attention as a dispatch rider hurries in carrying armored box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No Admittance'.) Dispatch rider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter... . series of doomphs as the commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.)

(Cut to a pillbox at Area 51. Track in to slit to see mustachioed Admirals peering anxiously out.)

Voice Over: Admiral Carson was impressed. Tests on at Area 51 confirmed the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.

(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept desert. He is a trap loving, body pillow having lance-corporal named Tal Ravis looking bored and Jewish. Pan across to fifty yards away where two helmeted baldies are at their positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to lance-corporal's face- registering complete lack of comprehension as well as stupidity. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The marines reveal the joke to the lance-corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, snikers, and dies. Observing Admirals Kowalski and Carson are very impressed.)

Admirals: Fantastic.

Cut to a Commander talking to camera.

Commander Heinz Mueller: All through the winter of '86 we had translators working, in joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a Russian version of the joke to use against the UPP. They worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the joke and spent several weeks in hospital. But apart from that things went pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our troops couldn't understand but which the Commies could.

(Cut to a FOB on LV-624 under fire and pinned by the UPP. Members of the Joke Squad are crouched holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)

Voice Over: So, on July 8th, 2187, the joke was first told to the enemy on LV-624...

Staff Sergeant Anthony Johnson: Get ready! Right..! Tell the... joke!

Joke Squad: (together)Ксеносы недостаточно сильны! Ксеносы нужны бафы! Морские пехотинцы должны быть ослаблены!

(Pan out of the Marine FOB across war-torn jungle landscape and come to rest where presumably the UPP position is. There is a pause and then a group of Commies rear up in hysterics.)

Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as powerful as the Marine's great pre-war joke... (Cut to a film of Apophis775 brandishing a paper with '70/30 winrate goal' wrote on it.) ...and one which Commies just couldn't match.

Film of a UPP rally. The ghost of Stalin speaks; subtitles are superimposed.
SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young Private responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Stalin speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'

Voice Over: In action it was deadly.

(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through snow on Ice Colony. Suddenly one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for cover. From the cover of a snow bank he reads out joke.)

SGT Phillip Murray: Ксеносы недостаточно сильны! Ксеносы нужны бафы! Морские пехотинцы должны быть ослаблены!!

(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)

Joke Squad: (charging with John Murry leading but not actually reading the paper) Ксеносы недостаточно сильны! Ксеносы нужны бафы! Морские пехотинцы должны быть ослаблены!

(They chant the joke. Communists are put to fight laughing, some drop to the ground.)

Voice Over: The UPP casualties were appalling.

(Cut to a UPP hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing hysterically. Cut to a UPP interrogation room. An officer, one Joshua Kincaid from the joke squad has a light shining in his face. A Communist political officer is interrogating him; while another commie stands behind him.)

Commie Political Officer: What is of the big joke?

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid: I can only give you name, rank, and why did the baldie riot in the RO line?

Commie Political Officer: That is not of funny! (slaps him) I want to know the joke!

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid. How do you make a Commie cross?

Commie Political Officer: (momentarily fooled) I am not of knowing ... how do you make a Commie of cross?

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Commie hops in pain)

Commie Political Officer: Lenin above! That's not of funny! (punches him in the face while the other officer claps his hands to provide a more striking sound effect) Now if you do not be of telling me the joke, I shall hit you again.

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid: I can stand physical pain, you know.

Commie Political Officer: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Ivan.

(Ivan starts tickling Kincaid who starts laughing,)

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid: Oh no - anything but that please no, alright I'll tell you!

(They stop tickling him)

Commie Political Officer: Quick Ivan. The typewriter.

(Ivan goes to the typewriter and they wait expectantly. The Lieutenant produces piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid: Ксеносы недостаточно сильны! Ксеносы нужны бафы! Морские пехотинцы должны быть ослаблены!

(Ivan at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)

Commie Political Officer: Ach! That is not of funny!

(Commie Political Officer burst into laughter and dies. A guard bursts in with machine gun ready, The marine officer leaps on the table.)

Lieutenant Joshua Kincaid: (lightning speed) Ксеносы недостаточно сильны! Ксеносы нужны бафы! Морские пехотинцы должны быть ослаблены!

(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. Marine Lieutenant Kincaid makes his escape. Cut to a film of UPP scientists working in laboratories.)

Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '87, the UPP were working on a joke of their own.

(A Communist general is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands Ivan, labelled 'A Different Political Officer'. Bespectacled Communist scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)

UPP Joker: У вас большой гомосексуалист. OwO Уведомления Bulge. (He finishes and looks hopeful.)

"New" Political Officer: We will be of letting you know.

(He shoots the joke teller. Film of UPP scientists plays.)

Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Colonel Ganbaatar gave the order for the UPP G-Joke to be broadcast in American.

(Cut to a military radio set with a couple of Marines anxiously listening to it.)

Radio: (crackly Russian voice) Why did the grocer be of giving away his store. Because it was free market!

(Radio bunts into the Soviet National Anthem. The marines look at each other and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern W-Y TV 2 interview. The commentator in a desert colony setting.)

Commentator: In Mid 2188 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Space Geneva Convention, and in 2189 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Deserts of Big Red, never to be told again.

(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music reaches crescendo.)

[Avalanchee]

A good joke?

Bravo medics

[EchoingPhaser]

I love Monty Python, and you sir have captured it perfectly in your adlib mate, bravo sir bravo!

[Bancrose]

Fucking Bravo Shitpost here.

+1

[Hoodedhero]

I think monty python is the most adaptable comedy group of all time, great job winter

[Stripetail]

o7 It brought a tear to my eye and made me cry internally, glorious, Chen, glorious!

[ThatKazakhDude]

10/10. Would totally read that google translated russian part again

[ThatKazakhDude]

10/10. Would totally read that google translated russian part again

[Gnorse]

you put effort into a shitpost ?
what are you, fuckin' gay ?