2180 Space Olympics, pictured Corporal Noah Cruz, photographer Jason Bacon.By Robert Delonge | Stars and Stripes
Published August 17th 2186
Although the robotic wrestling leagues have captured most of the prime time broadcasting slots for the core colonies and earth, one event still captures sols attention;
the space Olympics. Among the many events is the ancient sport of freestyle wrestling (non-mechanized) an event which until recently has been dominated by the Union of
Progressive Peoples. During the 2180 games held on Lunas capital, one man became a household name throughout Sol. Representing the United Americas the 155lbs, 5’6,
20 year old man from Connecticut, Noah Cruz shocked the world by demolishing Yuri Stechkov by way of Technical Fall; thus claiming a gold medal for the United Americas,
the first in freestyle wrestling for over a decade.
After many published documentaries, interviews and visits to the oval office Cruz made his way to the one place no one expected, the United States Colonial Marines
(USCM). Cruz has served for two years and has attained the rank of Corporal with a specialization in Combat Engineering. The following interview was conducted aboard
the USS Almayer which Corporal Cruz has been assigned to.
Transcript of the interview between Noah Cruz and Robert Delonge | August 17th 2186 | Edited :
► Show Spoiler
What is it like to be a Colonial Marine?
It’s just like High-School wrestling practice complete with the boys, the nerds and the goddamn tofu eaters. Also I get to shoot the big gun at Reds and Terrorists. The big gun? Yeah the M56D, seven hundred rounds of tungsten and big dick freedom.
Let’s go down the crew manifest to see how you get along with the rest of the crew, wow there are a lot of big names here, lets see.
How do you feel about Bill Carson?
Carson? He’s brass with balls made of even an even softer metal. Man can talk but it’s amazing watching a spineless man stand and brief marines with such confidence.
Julian Petrov
Petrov is dumber than the fucking people who read your articles; every single neuron in his skull is dedicated to swinging around that big ass gun he carries. Still, he can swing that gun like no other man.
Heinz Mueller
He looks like a man to pack pouches, but he packs loose leaves and chews them like a goddamn commandant. That doesn’t mean he isn’t above begging and cowardice, but I know he’s always looking out for the marines worth caring about.
Jackson Dee
He has hippie hair making him look like a fucking [redacted], I guess his dad didn’t beat him right. He also has a hippie heart, which ain’t a bad thing because he’ll be the first to pull your ass out of hell.
Uriel Turner
We call him whitey even though he’s a [redacted]. He likes to run away from me because every time I get close he knows he’s gonna get slammed. I’d still break my own arm if he said that it would help the op.
Reinhard Shirver
I probably couldn’t topple him if I had a baseball bat and his beard is longer than his legs. But I’d still want him behind me while I’m burning out some CLF hidey hole.
Barry Packer
Absolutely disgusting, literally the opposite of aesthetics. His moustache crumbs contains more nutrients than the chicken on board our ship. He’s still my pick for the tag team canteen brawls.
Thomas Echard
He’s like a tampon good for stopping bleeding, but always tossed away by women.
Elizabeth Nigtingale
Ah the pharmacy. I’ve seen her sprain an ankle and drain a pill bottle to “mend” it. Her knowledge of controlled substances and napalm makes her useful, but her knowledge of cowardice and blankeys makes her repulsive.
Lydia Tournier
Her accent uh, gets me. But goddamn she is a nag. She can lead a squad to victory but I wish she would lead me to her [redacted].
Elena Mei
We call her Tofu…Yup she’s a goddamn tofu eating [redacted], and the corps is lucky to have her.
John Murry
His headband must be infused with some kinda divine protection, that or he doesn’t need the 2/3rds of his brain that I always see splattered about on every operation.
Phillip Murray
He’s a dog shaped human trying to hump anything with the faintest tinge of red. I am almost certain my pinky is bigger than his [redacted]. In all honestly he’s better at shooting than flirting, but I’m glad he’s shooting the enemies and not me.
Tal Ravis
Big nosed, big brained and absolutely repulsive. His smartgun compensates for his tiny [redacted]. He lights up like a Christmas tree with all his designer bling, I only wish we could use it to call CAS directly on top of this shimmering queen of a Colonial Marine.
Jayne Staymates
Her white hair makes you think wisdom, when you should be thinking disgust. You think you are about to pass into the sweet release of death but nope it’s just Jayne with the defib and you are disappointed.
Sam Greene
He tries his best to do anything other than be a marine, but when he wants to fight you better watch out. The beret he wears hides a massive bald spot on the top of his head as well as a gay tattoo with Laura Fox’s face on it.
Laura Fox
The cap and glasses hide the stare of a stone cold killer. If only we could cover her mouth than she’d be a perfect marine.
Broden Ackers
This guys would kick the CO in the balls if you offered him protein bar to do it. I don’t blame him, if you looked like you should have been aborted you’d probably do it for the praise… and the chance to be executed.
Reno Story
Softer than two-ply and about half as useful.
Kayla Coldsmith
Coldsmith is an appropriate name for someone who spends too much time frozen. When she gets outta cryosleep odds are she will have my back.
Raz McSky
A fat pizza eating mongrel who screams “I AM incompetent”, but surprises you with the opposite
Alan Jones
His hours behind the overwatch console has created a something between a snowman and a frail ugly witch. Although the second he touches the dirt of the battlefield the façade drops and I can only see a warrior.
Ian Evans
He is in a constant battle to be the saddest man aboard the Almayer. Sad but not ineffective.
Varissa Lote
Could probably pass as a maint rat who can wrench a cade like the rest of us.
Sarah Dennis
I regret learning French as I wish that I didn’t understand single word that came out of her mouth. Fuck it I regret learning English too because this human shaped frog can croak that as well. Still glad that she can hold a rifle and fight beside me.
Emily Strauss
Her hands are softer than her demeanour, her hair says I surrender but her heart says murder.
Ritona Sterling
She is less valuable than the metal that her name suggest. If we somehow managed to make an anti bitch implant, than we’d be left with a good marine.
Cheng Chan
Chink Chong is the reason why we need to implement a language test for the marines. Amazingly he can read pill bottles and patch up anything that bleeds.
Cliff Campbell
Somehow this lard shaped human passed the basic physical, presumably by rolling through it. As you know the brain is made of fat which makes tubby here an asset. Albeit a fat asset.
Tyrone Keeper
You should be worried about man who’s takes pride in his large legs, he is certainly a flaming [redacted], although I’d trust him to entrench any position.
Nyxia Cals
The theory that states that venomous animals have bright colours holds true for this marine. Repulsive, disgusting and deadly.
Vanechka Penkina
She has a lip full of chew and a skull filled with retard. Enough for me to respect her, not enough for me to find her masculine frame attractive in the slightest. A girl who is somehow one of the boys.
Jackson Hopper
I man who allows himself to be called a bunny needs to turn in his balls. Although I doubt any surgeon could remove such a mass.
Krestel Han
Engineers pride themselves on being able to demolish at least forty beers. Han looks like one beer would knock her the fuck out. I still always end up owing her one when shit gets rough.
Solomon Griggs
Griggs cold talk a lady out of her pants, but couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag. I wish he spent more time at the rifle range than the extended bunks.
Mikey Anders
We call him snatch, he thinks it’s because he can steal, but it’s actually because he’s a huge pussy. When his back is against the wall you can sometimes find a marine instead of a feline.
Scott Ivors
There are only two things this [redacted] can do right. Banter and Build.
Adan Howard
Who the fuck names their kid Adan? He likes to be a father but that’s only because his parents surely hated him. He is an expert in tray fighting and making people uncomfortable, but that’s about it.
Hugh Taranto
Literally a giant spider. When you see him you automatically want to crush him, although the CLF usually has a hard time doing so.
Cassius Klaus
His nickname is Santa, I think it’s because he’s fat, old and balding but it’s probably because he gifts the insurgents a fiery hot death.
Ryan Steelburg
He is the reason why people think all marines are homosexuals. Steelburg surely refers to his thick skull which could probably deflect a .45.
Aiko Amano
Wh-why d-did we l-let this retard into the corps? I swear she is only on board so we have something to laugh at between eating and sleeping.
Christine Kennel
The embodiment of the word thot. Much like her last name suggest, she belongs in a kennel ready to be put down. I’d do it myself but I’m not sure if I’d win that gun fight.
Aestel Wellick
Recently promoted under dubious circumstances. No commander should have hair like that, but maybe I just miss her as a squad leader. Fuck that I don’t miss her that much.
Asmodius Smith
He has long greasy hair and from behind he looks like a tall woman. He’s only called Thor because the Greeks were so Homoerotic. For some reason he wears a coif and long sleeves presumably to cover up his shameful tattoos and ugly features.
Bex Jackson
What the hell kinda name is Bex? I refused to believe he was a man, with his bright long hair and feminine name; that was until I saw Bex fight. I only remember darkness, shooting and flashes of his bright green locks, after the dust settled all that was left was dead OpFor and me in Bex knee deep in blood.
Balto Crunk
He has blue hair and is always smoking a fat cigar. You know what Freud said about men with power and cigars “Sometimes a cigar is a cigar, sometimes it’s a big brown [redacted]”
Bill Bashline
His nickname is literally Ass. For some reason he always wants me to flex, probably because he is a flaming [redacted]
Lochlann Healy
His accent betrays his personality. You think that you are talking to friendly lad when in fact you are conversing with literal retard. Thank god he wears a headband or else his massive forehead would draw fire.
Calie Stahl
I could probably crush Calie with my left arm but I wouldn’t dare try. Not saying she’s good or anything, just pretty good for a girl. Her hair screams [redacted] but her accents stinks of sauerkraut.
Park So-hee
Turns out Asians are good at math and by my assessment of Park; leadership. I’d follow her into battle, but I wouldn’t follow her anywhere else considering she is as flat as a pancake.
Mark Kesserline
He seems to have named me after his favourite pastime. I think his French wires got crossed as I often see him running towards battle rather than away from it, I’ll follow him… for now.
Dolthgar Folk
I think the hair dye he uses has seeped into his brain but he might just have been born that dumb. He somehow manages to channel his immense retardation into some form of combat capability.
Olaf Karlsson
Karlsson looks tough but is about as tough as his beard is trimmed. He looks like a hobo and smells like one too. His glass jaw is almost made up for by his decent right straight.
William Crimson
He very much is a goddamn clown, or should I say a pig dressed as a clown. He acts like the picture perfect marine, but if we actually put him on recruitment posters the navy would shut down due to lack of recruits.
Wanda Fisher
Wanda has more husbands than I have fingers and toes, I don’t blame the guys for cutting and running because the pizza tattoo is a clear giveaway to her craziness. Good thing craziness is an asset in the marine corps.
Bob Shoe
People give him more credit than he’s worth, meaning my right shoe is about twice as intelligent as he is, but only half as brave.
Victor Rennem
He’s French but I’ve never heard him speak a word of it. This makes me think he’s putting on the accent to get girls, which will never happen until he cuts his hair.
Rico Bannon
I know he snuck aboard the Almayer in order to get his green card, I can’t prove it but he is useful to have on ship nonetheless. I’ve seen him dodge a thousand shooters to save one marine, if only he could dodge ICE.
Autumn Blue
The most vile women I have ever met. She constantly wants to hug me and can never say my name correctly. Some may find her lisp annoying where as I find it disgusting.
Julio Borras
I have no clue what this man is saying at any point in any operation. His grasp of the English language is about as firm as his grasp on tactics and strategy. Even so this tongue rolling [redacted] manages to stumble the corps into victory.
Annie Riker
She's about as sweet as lemonade. While wearing a sour look on her face this pucker face bitch thinks she can criticize me for my choice of attire. Apparently the colour blue stimulates her tiny lizard brain in such a way that she can only project anger.
Burt Beach
He's a target both for Opfor and bullying, and trust me, he is a real easy target. As good he is at drawing fire, he can return it pretty well too.
Orlando Blackburn
Unfortunately his name is associated with the worst state in the whole UA, which kinda makes it fitting. Unlike Florida Orlando can actually get out of bed and contribute to society... sometimes.
Lyla Pycroft
An actual ball of grease formed to somewhat resemble a woman. If the almayer had an ugly contest she would be both the winner and the runner up. The only redeemable factor is the that she manages to always take the disgust I throw her way right on the chin. Malformed chin that is.
Mark Stacker
A man who will run to the MPs faster than you can say snitch. I use man as a loose term because someone who can't deal with their problems on their own is a weasel.
It’s just like High-School wrestling practice complete with the boys, the nerds and the goddamn tofu eaters. Also I get to shoot the big gun at Reds and Terrorists. The big gun? Yeah the M56D, seven hundred rounds of tungsten and big dick freedom.
Let’s go down the crew manifest to see how you get along with the rest of the crew, wow there are a lot of big names here, lets see.
How do you feel about Bill Carson?
Carson? He’s brass with balls made of even an even softer metal. Man can talk but it’s amazing watching a spineless man stand and brief marines with such confidence.
Julian Petrov
Petrov is dumber than the fucking people who read your articles; every single neuron in his skull is dedicated to swinging around that big ass gun he carries. Still, he can swing that gun like no other man.
Heinz Mueller
He looks like a man to pack pouches, but he packs loose leaves and chews them like a goddamn commandant. That doesn’t mean he isn’t above begging and cowardice, but I know he’s always looking out for the marines worth caring about.
Jackson Dee
He has hippie hair making him look like a fucking [redacted], I guess his dad didn’t beat him right. He also has a hippie heart, which ain’t a bad thing because he’ll be the first to pull your ass out of hell.
Uriel Turner
We call him whitey even though he’s a [redacted]. He likes to run away from me because every time I get close he knows he’s gonna get slammed. I’d still break my own arm if he said that it would help the op.
Reinhard Shirver
I probably couldn’t topple him if I had a baseball bat and his beard is longer than his legs. But I’d still want him behind me while I’m burning out some CLF hidey hole.
Barry Packer
Absolutely disgusting, literally the opposite of aesthetics. His moustache crumbs contains more nutrients than the chicken on board our ship. He’s still my pick for the tag team canteen brawls.
Thomas Echard
He’s like a tampon good for stopping bleeding, but always tossed away by women.
Elizabeth Nigtingale
Ah the pharmacy. I’ve seen her sprain an ankle and drain a pill bottle to “mend” it. Her knowledge of controlled substances and napalm makes her useful, but her knowledge of cowardice and blankeys makes her repulsive.
Lydia Tournier
Her accent uh, gets me. But goddamn she is a nag. She can lead a squad to victory but I wish she would lead me to her [redacted].
Elena Mei
We call her Tofu…Yup she’s a goddamn tofu eating [redacted], and the corps is lucky to have her.
John Murry
His headband must be infused with some kinda divine protection, that or he doesn’t need the 2/3rds of his brain that I always see splattered about on every operation.
Phillip Murray
He’s a dog shaped human trying to hump anything with the faintest tinge of red. I am almost certain my pinky is bigger than his [redacted]. In all honestly he’s better at shooting than flirting, but I’m glad he’s shooting the enemies and not me.
Tal Ravis
Big nosed, big brained and absolutely repulsive. His smartgun compensates for his tiny [redacted]. He lights up like a Christmas tree with all his designer bling, I only wish we could use it to call CAS directly on top of this shimmering queen of a Colonial Marine.
Jayne Staymates
Her white hair makes you think wisdom, when you should be thinking disgust. You think you are about to pass into the sweet release of death but nope it’s just Jayne with the defib and you are disappointed.
Sam Greene
He tries his best to do anything other than be a marine, but when he wants to fight you better watch out. The beret he wears hides a massive bald spot on the top of his head as well as a gay tattoo with Laura Fox’s face on it.
Laura Fox
The cap and glasses hide the stare of a stone cold killer. If only we could cover her mouth than she’d be a perfect marine.
Broden Ackers
This guys would kick the CO in the balls if you offered him protein bar to do it. I don’t blame him, if you looked like you should have been aborted you’d probably do it for the praise… and the chance to be executed.
Reno Story
Softer than two-ply and about half as useful.
Kayla Coldsmith
Coldsmith is an appropriate name for someone who spends too much time frozen. When she gets outta cryosleep odds are she will have my back.
Raz McSky
A fat pizza eating mongrel who screams “I AM incompetent”, but surprises you with the opposite
Alan Jones
His hours behind the overwatch console has created a something between a snowman and a frail ugly witch. Although the second he touches the dirt of the battlefield the façade drops and I can only see a warrior.
Ian Evans
He is in a constant battle to be the saddest man aboard the Almayer. Sad but not ineffective.
Varissa Lote
Could probably pass as a maint rat who can wrench a cade like the rest of us.
Sarah Dennis
I regret learning French as I wish that I didn’t understand single word that came out of her mouth. Fuck it I regret learning English too because this human shaped frog can croak that as well. Still glad that she can hold a rifle and fight beside me.
Emily Strauss
Her hands are softer than her demeanour, her hair says I surrender but her heart says murder.
Ritona Sterling
She is less valuable than the metal that her name suggest. If we somehow managed to make an anti bitch implant, than we’d be left with a good marine.
Cheng Chan
Chink Chong is the reason why we need to implement a language test for the marines. Amazingly he can read pill bottles and patch up anything that bleeds.
Cliff Campbell
Somehow this lard shaped human passed the basic physical, presumably by rolling through it. As you know the brain is made of fat which makes tubby here an asset. Albeit a fat asset.
Tyrone Keeper
You should be worried about man who’s takes pride in his large legs, he is certainly a flaming [redacted], although I’d trust him to entrench any position.
Nyxia Cals
The theory that states that venomous animals have bright colours holds true for this marine. Repulsive, disgusting and deadly.
Vanechka Penkina
She has a lip full of chew and a skull filled with retard. Enough for me to respect her, not enough for me to find her masculine frame attractive in the slightest. A girl who is somehow one of the boys.
Jackson Hopper
I man who allows himself to be called a bunny needs to turn in his balls. Although I doubt any surgeon could remove such a mass.
Krestel Han
Engineers pride themselves on being able to demolish at least forty beers. Han looks like one beer would knock her the fuck out. I still always end up owing her one when shit gets rough.
Solomon Griggs
Griggs cold talk a lady out of her pants, but couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag. I wish he spent more time at the rifle range than the extended bunks.
Mikey Anders
We call him snatch, he thinks it’s because he can steal, but it’s actually because he’s a huge pussy. When his back is against the wall you can sometimes find a marine instead of a feline.
Scott Ivors
There are only two things this [redacted] can do right. Banter and Build.
Adan Howard
Who the fuck names their kid Adan? He likes to be a father but that’s only because his parents surely hated him. He is an expert in tray fighting and making people uncomfortable, but that’s about it.
Hugh Taranto
Literally a giant spider. When you see him you automatically want to crush him, although the CLF usually has a hard time doing so.
Cassius Klaus
His nickname is Santa, I think it’s because he’s fat, old and balding but it’s probably because he gifts the insurgents a fiery hot death.
Ryan Steelburg
He is the reason why people think all marines are homosexuals. Steelburg surely refers to his thick skull which could probably deflect a .45.
Aiko Amano
Wh-why d-did we l-let this retard into the corps? I swear she is only on board so we have something to laugh at between eating and sleeping.
Christine Kennel
The embodiment of the word thot. Much like her last name suggest, she belongs in a kennel ready to be put down. I’d do it myself but I’m not sure if I’d win that gun fight.
Aestel Wellick
Recently promoted under dubious circumstances. No commander should have hair like that, but maybe I just miss her as a squad leader. Fuck that I don’t miss her that much.
Asmodius Smith
He has long greasy hair and from behind he looks like a tall woman. He’s only called Thor because the Greeks were so Homoerotic. For some reason he wears a coif and long sleeves presumably to cover up his shameful tattoos and ugly features.
Bex Jackson
What the hell kinda name is Bex? I refused to believe he was a man, with his bright long hair and feminine name; that was until I saw Bex fight. I only remember darkness, shooting and flashes of his bright green locks, after the dust settled all that was left was dead OpFor and me in Bex knee deep in blood.
Balto Crunk
He has blue hair and is always smoking a fat cigar. You know what Freud said about men with power and cigars “Sometimes a cigar is a cigar, sometimes it’s a big brown [redacted]”
Bill Bashline
His nickname is literally Ass. For some reason he always wants me to flex, probably because he is a flaming [redacted]
Lochlann Healy
His accent betrays his personality. You think that you are talking to friendly lad when in fact you are conversing with literal retard. Thank god he wears a headband or else his massive forehead would draw fire.
Calie Stahl
I could probably crush Calie with my left arm but I wouldn’t dare try. Not saying she’s good or anything, just pretty good for a girl. Her hair screams [redacted] but her accents stinks of sauerkraut.
Park So-hee
Turns out Asians are good at math and by my assessment of Park; leadership. I’d follow her into battle, but I wouldn’t follow her anywhere else considering she is as flat as a pancake.
Mark Kesserline
He seems to have named me after his favourite pastime. I think his French wires got crossed as I often see him running towards battle rather than away from it, I’ll follow him… for now.
Dolthgar Folk
I think the hair dye he uses has seeped into his brain but he might just have been born that dumb. He somehow manages to channel his immense retardation into some form of combat capability.
Olaf Karlsson
Karlsson looks tough but is about as tough as his beard is trimmed. He looks like a hobo and smells like one too. His glass jaw is almost made up for by his decent right straight.
William Crimson
He very much is a goddamn clown, or should I say a pig dressed as a clown. He acts like the picture perfect marine, but if we actually put him on recruitment posters the navy would shut down due to lack of recruits.
Wanda Fisher
Wanda has more husbands than I have fingers and toes, I don’t blame the guys for cutting and running because the pizza tattoo is a clear giveaway to her craziness. Good thing craziness is an asset in the marine corps.
Bob Shoe
People give him more credit than he’s worth, meaning my right shoe is about twice as intelligent as he is, but only half as brave.
Victor Rennem
He’s French but I’ve never heard him speak a word of it. This makes me think he’s putting on the accent to get girls, which will never happen until he cuts his hair.
Rico Bannon
I know he snuck aboard the Almayer in order to get his green card, I can’t prove it but he is useful to have on ship nonetheless. I’ve seen him dodge a thousand shooters to save one marine, if only he could dodge ICE.
Autumn Blue
The most vile women I have ever met. She constantly wants to hug me and can never say my name correctly. Some may find her lisp annoying where as I find it disgusting.
Julio Borras
I have no clue what this man is saying at any point in any operation. His grasp of the English language is about as firm as his grasp on tactics and strategy. Even so this tongue rolling [redacted] manages to stumble the corps into victory.
Annie Riker
She's about as sweet as lemonade. While wearing a sour look on her face this pucker face bitch thinks she can criticize me for my choice of attire. Apparently the colour blue stimulates her tiny lizard brain in such a way that she can only project anger.
Burt Beach
He's a target both for Opfor and bullying, and trust me, he is a real easy target. As good he is at drawing fire, he can return it pretty well too.
Orlando Blackburn
Unfortunately his name is associated with the worst state in the whole UA, which kinda makes it fitting. Unlike Florida Orlando can actually get out of bed and contribute to society... sometimes.
Lyla Pycroft
An actual ball of grease formed to somewhat resemble a woman. If the almayer had an ugly contest she would be both the winner and the runner up. The only redeemable factor is the that she manages to always take the disgust I throw her way right on the chin. Malformed chin that is.
Mark Stacker
A man who will run to the MPs faster than you can say snitch. I use man as a loose term because someone who can't deal with their problems on their own is a weasel.
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