Remedial US Marine History for Foreigners and the Educationally Handicapped

[Enigmachine]

So after a particular Discord spat with a particular member of the community, it has come to my attention that some people in this community centered around a game itself centered upon US MARINES do not know shit about such men. Somehow, some way, their glorious, stand alone travails have gone unknown to a worryingly large segment of the community.

This cannot stand, so below I have briefly summarized their most notable and defining exploits.

Tun Tavern
November 10, 1775
The American Founding Fathers, in their infinite genius plot to create the chaddest nation ever to stroll planet earth in highlighter boots, foresaw the need for ultimate warriors. Thus the owner of the tavern where this was decided was nominated to find and recruit suitable men to be the first generation of Marines. This choice was, of course, savant-like brilliance like everything else America's founders enacted. The exploits of this relatively minuscule group of Ye Olde Marines were of sufficient coolness levels to justify their continued existence into the next century.

The Great Age In Which Almost Nothin' Happened
1783-1860
The immediate successors of the Tun Tavern batch of Marines participate in the small wars between Independence and Civil War with distinction. Most notably they participate in Naval adventures in the pacific to discover the last islands with female populations untouched by venereal disease. By standards across time and space, their exploits in such remain legendary and nigh peerless.

The Great Moment of Shame
1861-1865
The darkest moment in history for US Marines up to the time of writing, for no other reason than that the blame for the calamity lay squarely with themselves. US Marines in the Civil War lost literally everything they tried their hands at short of dying at their duty stations aboard naval ships. US Marines at First Bull Run (Manassas), various coastal fort sieges, and of course all Confederate States Marines LOST. After the war the survivors reflected upon this humiliating record, looked at themselves in the mirror in disgust, and said "NEVER AGAIN." Except unlike literally everyone else who has ever said that, THEY FUCKING MEANT IT.

[NOTE: FROM HERE ALL UNEVENTFUL PERIODS WILL NOT BE LABELLED. WHERE THE READER NOTES THEM, JUST CONSIDER THEM MORE AGES OF NOTHIN']

An Image Restored, A Glory Foretold
1890-1903
US Marines serve once again with distinction in China and the Philippines. Uniquely among western troops deployed in the far east, US Marines show a knack for using social skills to accomplish the goals they are sent after. When they need to use force, however, they are absolutely peerless. It is in this era that Marines show their well-adjusted quality by defying Army General "Hell Roaring" Jake's orders to massacre Filipino civilians indiscriminately. Likewise it is in this era that seemingly endless waves of Chinese Boxers hit the handful of Marine guards at the Peking consulate to no avail whatsoever.

Crushing The Hun's Wood
1918
In this instance the Marines saw their first major conventional combat since the Civil War. It was against the Germans; an unholy race obsessed with ramrod-straight phallic symbols. So when these abominable creatures nestled themselves in an entire forest of their idols, a place at the time called Belleau Wood, the US commander on the scene, Army General John Pershing, knew well that they would defend the place with utmost ferocity. So he did the only sane thing and hurled all of his marines at the location. The fighting was savage, but eventually the Marines prevailed. It was in this struggle that the US Marine's trait of fierce tenacity married to awe-inspiring competence in the art of homicide was on its starkest display yet.

The Great Rock Crab Infestation of '41
1941-1945
Hands down the most legendary and formative period in Marine history. In this era, the Marines played a pivotal role in helping the United States overcome the Japanese. A notoriously vicious type of rock crab with two prominent tomb-stone like growths beneath its eyes, the Japanese had evolved a peculiar survival strategy of burrowing deep into Pacific islands and then flinging poorly made airplanes at anything nearby. For decades up to this period, they had steadily been expanding their infestation out in a crescent from their point of origin. Then, on December 7th, 1941, the rock crabs' bizarre, pestilential flinging behavior resulted in a momentary staggering of America's tiny, bettle-like stride. Driven to apoplectic rage, America dedicated its entire Marine Corps to eradicating this pest. For nearly four years, Marines landed on infested islands and slowly, agonizingly rooted out whole populations of vicious rock crabs. Eventually the number of infested islands became fewer and fewer, until only a couple giant islands remained. It was decided that to invade and cleanse these Rock Crab Home Islands would require more marines than could be made from the existing male population of Earth. So the struggle ended with the development and use of the first two Bug Bombs, strangely used against crabs and in an open-air environment. However, their use saved the Marine Corps from either being exhausted of manpower or having the purity of its crusade be diluted by asking for help from the Army.

Inchon & Chosin
1950-1951
World War II is over. The Axis nations are a cucked laughing stock, yet in the chaos the red menace has asserted itself as the new virgin on the block. When it attempts to long-stride its way into South Korea, US Marines are a key part of the plan to fling it back to its rightful home of Stalin's outhouse. Namely, as the reds pushed south, US Marines landed on the Korean west coast behind them at Inchon. Much memeing upon the reds ensued. Fast forward some months, and US Army General MacArthur is foaming at the mouth to hound the reds down the outhouse plumbing and out of Korea entirely. This prompts Walmart, foreseeing that if Red Korea is marine'd then China may be next, and therefore it would be without a source of slave labor to draw on in the 21st century, to send the PLA to rectify the situation. With MacArthur effectively forcing all troops under his command, not just the marines, to go full Unga Dunga, they meet the brunt of the Walmart PMC's while over-extended. Much memeing on America and its friends ensues. It would have been worse, had a formation of Marines not held them off at the Chosin Resovoir tenaciously. In part because of their sacrifice, the situation stabilized in Korea and the existence of professional StarCraft was secured.

Khe Sahn, The Great Pajama War
1968
The struggle against the red virgins was an inter-generational one. One of the most significant was the Great Pajama War of 1965-1973, in the country that is today Vietnam. A crux moment of which was the siege of Khe Sahn, an isolated Marine base in the northern extreme of American operations. With the American base more or less alone, the pajama commanders estimated that it would be a repeat of Dien Bien Phu. They ignored one critical variable that would lead to the deaths of many thousands of black-sleepwear clad troops; Phu was a French affair while Sahn was held by US Marines. Now matter how many pajama-men or Sino-Soviet bombs were launched at it, Khe Sahn never faltered.

Desert Storm
1991
Like any virgin, Saddam Hussein was unable to acquire what he wanted by sheer force of social interaction, and so he resolved to simply take it in the form of invading Kuwait. Cue overwhelming liberation, with of course Marines playing a critical role. That role was being the Coalition's right hook DIRECTLY into Iraqi formations while US Army tanks went around to their flanks and rear where they could assault in safety. The logic used by the commanding General Norman Schwartzkopf being that while Army tanks are feeble glass cannons, Marine infantry are nearly indestructible dreadnoughts of men. This stroke of tactical genius and correct assessment of Marine attributes both shows that he was one of the Army's greatest generals, not to mention enabling one of the most awesome tank battles ever in the form of '73 Easting.

Fallujah
2004
Once upon a time, a man remembered only as "Dubyah" decided to finish what his dad started. It lasted 8 years. In the second year of this struggle, four PMC's decided it would be a great idea to casually drive through one of the most dangerous sectors therein; Fallujah, Iraq. They were skinned and roasted on live TV. Deciding to demonstrate in the most extreme way possible that this could not stand, America decided to use the Marines as retribution. The fighting was slow and brutal, even by the standards of the context in which a modern military battled an insurgency. Nonetheless, the faces of the insurgents responsible were slowly but surely driven by Marine boots into a giant mound of camel dung.

THIS CONCLUDES THE REMEDIAL HISTORY OF THE US MARINES. IT IS NOT COMPLETE, AND ANYONE INTERESTED IN MORE ADVANCED COURSES SHOULD CONSULT THEIR LOCAL BOOKSTORE OR REPUTABLE MILITARY HISTORIAN.

[4000daniel1]

but two big questions remain unanswered

WHEN WERE BC'S INVENTED AND WHAT YEAR DID SOUTO FINALLY BEAT COCA COLA AND EVERY OTHER DRINK OUT OF COMPETETION?

[DriedMilk]

what the fuck is this

[Archiezt]

I came here to laugh at the marines
Heeheehohahahaha