Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

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Casany
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Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 02 Oct 2016, 16:12

Byond ID: Casany

Marine Name (so we know who you are, if you play alien mostly, state that here): August 'Slice' Walker

Name of the character you want whitelisted (The name your predator will use. This must match your in-game predator name): Kwei Kjuhte

Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor? yep

Character background (A very BRIEF description of your predators background):
► Show Spoiler
How do you intend to play your predator (as in, describe HOW you will act/play your predator. This will weigh HEAVILY and frequently breaking from this MAY result in removal)? I intend to play more of a passive route, dedicated on capturing these new creatures and researching their tech. Kwei had never actually come across a human before, so they interest him greatly. Instead of just hunting or dueling, Kwei will be much more interested in enslaving and involving the marines in roleplay. And of course, he will do this while following the honor code.

Why should we whitelist you? Based on my actions recently, I think I have been improving my overall attitude and RP skills, and that should speak for itself. I would love to play but if I don't I don't, and that's fine.

Have you been banned from CM in the last month for any reason (we will check, and lies may result in immediate denial)? Nope!

Are you currently banned from any other servers and if so, why? nope

Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey the Predator Code of Honor? yeppers

Just so you know, I'm not an author. The story may not be the BEST but its the best I can really do. thanks for reading!
Last edited by Casany on 09 Oct 2016, 00:43, edited 6 times in total.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Feweh
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Feweh » 04 Oct 2016, 21:35

This really isnt that good.

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Casany
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 04 Oct 2016, 21:53

Feweh wrote:This really isnt that good.
I'm not an author... yes it could be better but you could say the same for EVERYTHING in the world. Mainly I'm looking for specific things I can improve on for the future.
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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LordeKilly
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by LordeKilly » 05 Oct 2016, 14:59

Casany wrote: I'm not an author... yes it could be better but you could say the same for EVERYTHING in the world. Mainly I'm looking for specific things I can improve on for the future.
The point feweh is trying to make is that it's not a good application overall. Look at applications that have been accepted, and then back at yours, you published a piece that had little structure and was bland, I don't believe it's very good either.

-1 for me pal.
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Casany
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 05 Oct 2016, 15:51

LordeKilly wrote: The point feweh is trying to make is that it's not a good application overall. Look at applications that have been accepted, and then back at yours, you published a piece that had little structure and was bland, I don't believe it's very good either.

-1 for me pal.
taking a look at the other accepted apps, and looking at mine it doesn't seem horrible. Was it the backstory? And what was bland about it? I personally thought my playstyle was unique enough. The app in general could mean a lot of things. The only two things requiring substance are the playstyle and backstory, and at worst those are moderate. I really want specifics so I can improve in the future. I realize it could have been better, but ever app COULD be better, from Joshuu to your own app
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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SecretStamos (Joshuu)
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by SecretStamos (Joshuu) » 06 Oct 2016, 11:15

I had a pretty good duel with you in the Predator temple. You definitely fought pretty honorably, so you have that going for you. And I definitely enjoyed the RP we had. I got a good impression of you from your actions in game. I liked how you roleplayed quite a bit, and how you peacefully handled the lynch mob of marines who surrounded the temple and were looking to ignite a mini war.

I was a little offput by some of the comments in LOOC you made however. Though I enjoyed the duel, I couldn't help but feel like you focused a bit too much on bragging in LOOC about your performance in the round, to the point it was a bit disparaging . You were a little vain during our duel, but I wrote that off as RP. When in persusted into LOOC a bit, I was a bit less impressed. Minor compared to the positive impression above, but still noteworthy.

Your story has a good structure, but falls a little short in a bunch of areas. Stuff like, "He shot one of the serpants with the plasma caster, killing it" feels rather offhand, and matter of fact. There's a lot of statements like this, which are very flat and unsatisfying. He did this.. he did that..
Too concrete.

The story of "last survivor of his first hunt, who kills a lot of xenos" is a huge cliche'. It's done a lot, and really gives us a negative taste. Very few applications about 'ultimate badasses' who defy the odds pass, sadly for good reason.

My biggest complaint about the application is that I really don't feel any greater understanding of your character. There's not really any insight into what he is, or what he does. I like the idea of enslaving humans as your perk, but there's really not much built off that. Build on that point much more. Curiosity is boring, and a bit of a flat reason for this. Make it linked to his personality somehow..

Improve on those things, and you'll get my endorsement. But for now, neutral. Would have been a downvote had it not been for our duel the other day, which was pretty solid.

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Casany
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 06 Oct 2016, 15:42

It still allows me to edit my app, not sure if this is INTENTIONAL or not. I will be editing my story and whatnot, fixing the issues you have with it. thanks for the feedback thus far
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casany
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 09 Oct 2016, 00:35

Edited the story, mainly to do with his first hunt. still a little stiff, uses he and him a lot, but its better then before
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Feweh » 09 Oct 2016, 00:40

You may not edit your story.
You were able to do so because of your mentor tag bypassing the time lock.

Unless you have the previous story for your app, this will be denied.

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Casany
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 09 Oct 2016, 00:43

oh, didn't know that! OK then, I guess...denied
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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Casany
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Re: Kwei kjuhte (Sly Void)

Post by Casany » 09 Oct 2016, 00:49

Just gonna end with some dignity, I see what you all are saying
First off, I need a better story. that seems like the main issue, so because of this I will be focusing MAINLY on the story for the next three months, polishing and refining it. Thank you all for your replies and input
"He killed me with a SADAR and it was bullshit. We should ban him for ERP because of how VIOLENTLY HE FUCKED ME" - Biolock, Saturday 15 October 2016

"Sometimes you need to stop and enjoy the little things in life, for one day you'll look back and realize they were big things"

"To quote Suits A cop follows a car long enough, he's gonna find a busted tail light. And even if he doesn't, he's gonna bust it himself." - Awan on being an MP

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